When things got too real at the Post Office

Some exciting stuff happened this week in relation to the feature I’ve been working on, nothing I can talk about here but definitely a hopeful moment.

I exchanged some leather pants for smaller leather pants and they did fit amazing in the waist and butt, but then I realized the legs are too wide and baggy. So today I went to Etobicoke to get them altered. There was a place I went to closer to downtown, but they were more expensive than these people are and that was just for a hem. Also the website at this place keeps talking about their European tailors and I admit I am curious ha ha. The lady there was nice, I hope they turn out ok.

My Mom once told me not to get leather pants because I would never be that size again and I was like nooo whatever. But she was right because I lost weight and also my body shifted into more masculine fat and muscle patterns so my hips mostly disappeared. And of course my breasts are gone now also and my leather vest is cut for someone with breasts so it’s baggy in the front, and too big overall. So I gotta shift over to smaller men’s cut leather clothes. It was kind of amazing though because the new pants I got which are men’s cut fit my ass and hips SO WELL and also it’s just right in the waist. SO I’m trying to pass on my leather pants and vest. I also have a pair of leather suspenders which are too big for me, so I need to sell those too.

I’ve been working on my pecs and glutes at the gym. I mean I do a full body workout but I’ve been especially doing extra weights for my tits and ass basically. My one pec on the left side is actually starting to get puffy and better. But the one on the right is still really flat. So weird! But then I was walking to the streetcar and realized I put my right hand in the pocket of my bag and the left arm swings. So nerdly, I have to keep my arms out and swinging so that my muscles match. It was so weird when I realized that was what was going on. Anyway it’s really just a theory but I’ll keep both arms out when I walk and let you know in a couple months if they are closer to being the same size.

I’ve been watching youtube videos about parasocial relationships and trying to understand them better. I know I am on the other side of them sometimes and have a parasocial relationship with like, Youtubers I like and stuff. BUT I think the difference for me is that I understand their boundaries and don’t try and be their best friend or their lover. Like I will take whatever entertainment they are putting out and sometimes drop a comment or a like, but I’m not obsessed with any of them or private messaging them or anything. I don’t know, I wish people were more respectful like that towards me. I already give so much to an audience I don’t need to give my private time too. I deserve time to veg out without people expecting something from me with no real relationship between us.

I’ve also been reading in the Mitski subreddit about how many audiences are being straight up disrespectful towards her and I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with younger generations attitudes towards artists and musicians? What happened? I guess audiences have always been mixed. But this correlates with what I’ve heard about university students these days not knowing how to behave properly. I don’t know I don’t really feel like speculating further.

In TMI Trans dick news, (don’t read if you are my relative) I got this stroker recently that has this moveable foreskin on it and FUCK it looks and feels amazing. They made this foreskin sheath that has coconut oil inside of it, so you can rub it up and down this shaft that has a hole in it for your t-cock. I admit I haven’t been able to use it yet because I am waiting for this infection to clear. BUT wow it’s amazing. It feels really real and the skin is painted in such a way that it looks like there’s real veins in it. It is so cool.

I sent my gender change form in for my birth certificate, AND a money order, and I sent it Xpress Post so I’ve been tracking it and it was supposed to arrive on Friday. But now the Canada Post website says it will arrive on Tuesday. So it makes me nervous, if it’s lost I have to get that form notarized again and have my doctor fill it out again and get a new money order AND ALSO write a letter explaining that my last birth certificate was lost in the mail. SO frustrating. I’m not sure what to do but I guess I will wait and see. I am going to ServiceOntario on Tuesday to sit in a long line to update my drivers license and my Healthcard. And once that is done I can have my doctor update my name every where in the system. AND when my plastic drivers license card arrives I will have photo ID for my Passport application. But I can’t do my Passport application until I get my birth certificate. And I don’t know how long that will take, the Saskatchewan website says they are only now processing applications for birth certificates that they got in the end of November. I hate this. I knew I’d be in this weird zone after changing my name but it’s so frustrating how much I have to do to update it everywhere. I really hope my backwards home province doesn’t decide to disallow people to change genders on their birth certificate. To be honest I could have my real gender displayed on my drivers license and passport without it being on my birth certificate. BUT this would be the easiest way to get it updated. Anyway, sigh.

I hate depending on the postal service.

OK two years ago around this time of year I sent a very emotional letter to someone who dumped me and then dumped me as a friend. BUT it went through the postal service and omfg. Because it was going to another country and in xpresspost they made me fill out a customs form. SO FUCKING embarrassing. What do you say? “Contents: Broken Heart Letter.” fuck I just wrote “Document.” which I’m afraid probably made the receiver feel like I was sending a legal letter and I wasn’t but they were also a lawyer so it would make sense. FUCK so embarrassing. They made me put down how much I thought the document was worth so it could be insured. I don’t think I insured it though. BUT I was obviously tracking it because I wanted to know when it arrived. SO EMBARRASSING. I think I wrote that it was worth a dollar? BUT THEN get this, the cost for this ONE broken heart letter was like, 30 or 35 bucks or something. FUCK. And of course if that isn’t embarrassing enough the envelope ALSO of course had to say how much I paid to send this sad letter. OMG but even worse is that because it was being sent this way I had to put both of our phone numbers on the envelope. And like we did date for a while so I of course had their phone number but I was just going beet red while filling this form out because I felt like it was gloating like “Ha ha ha and I have your phone number and I know where you live!” Which wasn’t my intent.

Honestly I should have just gotten their email address. Other people I have dated gave me their emails and it saves on postage. ALSO it means no one has to be delivered an awkward handwritten letter. Because my handwriting is ATROCIOUS and it always was, even when I was more consistent in using handwriting every day. I guess it was legible enough after all that because three days after it arrived I was told to fuck off forever. I still think that embarrassing moment at the post office when things got too real deserves to be in a movie tho.

Paper Work and Puppies and Bacteria!

I got the form filled out by my doctor to change my gender on my birth certificate. Saskatchewan is very particular about needing a doctor to sign off on it. I got the form notarized and then dropped it off for my doctor yesterday and got it back at the end of the day and rushed to the post office to send it away with a money order. And now we wait! I sent it XpressPost so it will arrive on Friday and then get in line I suppose. I am hoping it doesn’t take a super long time. Six weeks maybe? The time to get new birth certificates processed in Saskatchewan was eight weeks over the holidays but I’m hoping that just got extended because they were out of the office over Christmas and New Years. I guess we’ll see! I had no way to rush it which sucks, because I need it for my passport.

I also got a letter from my doctor so I can take it to Service Canada and change my gender on my Driver’s License, and I have to change my name there and on OHIP. So I made an appointment but it’s later in February and I might go bite the bullet and take a number and wait in line to go do it. At least they have a bunch of chairs there. That takes four to six weeks to come in the mail and I will need it to get my passport.

Once my passport is in my name and gender I’m going to feel a lot more relief. I also need to change my bank name and then reset my Interac so that my real name is on my etransfers and stuff. I think my chosen name is just my real name. It’s legally mine! I did the things!

I feel like I’ve done almost all the stuff related to my transition after this name/gender paperwork change goes through all my stuff. I know I probably won’t change my name everywhere for a while because I will still forget places until I go to use a service and see my old name. I also want to update my name at the Universities I went to and get new degrees issued, just for my own happiness. No one actually needs to look at my Master’s degree but it’s on my wall because dammit I worked hard for it, and it would be nice to see my real name on it. Also the University I went to changed it’s name from Ryerson to Toronto Metropolitan University and I think I would like to not see it’s deadname on my paper either, considering why the Ryerson name was dropped.

I recently got a grant and paid some debts and also put a lot of money down on a printer/scanner and it’s been MY FAVOURITE THING! Doing all this paperwork to change my name and gender legally has needed me to print and scan and copy so many forms and letters. And my handwriting makes me look like a serial killer and I don’t know that it’s very legible, so it’s good writing letters in print and being understood by doctors and bureaucrats. Definitely a worthwhile expense.

I’m also starting to work on my transition video more. I have a few more things I want to record but the grant is mostly for post production so I’ve been gathering all kinds of materials and am going to start playing around with them. I have multiple Instax photos, so many photos on my phone of my changing body, videos, voice memos as my voice changed. I also wrote a detailed blog here this whole transition so I might record some things I wrote here. I also want to get a video that uses an old prop in a new way.

Puppy is doing well! We’re starting to figure out how to lessen his bitey attacks. He doesn’t like being put on the floor because he likes being close to me, so when he’s being bitey I put him on the floor and when he stops I bring him back up and if he starts he goes back down. He is figuring it out. I learned this works because I signed us up for Puppy Classes at When Hounds Fly and we did the orientation where they explained how to do positive reinforcement and how dog psychology works. Basically I was flipping him on his back when he got bitey but then he just thinks we are playing. But when he’s on the floor he can’t play so it’s less desirable. He’s taking five classes over the next two months and hopefully that helps him become a good citizen. If I can I am going to sign him up for more classes, there’s a foundational dog skills class we might take. This school also does scent detecting classes and he might like that because Dachshunds are scent hounds.

Anyway I’m glad Todd is adjusting to this home. He’s doing ok, and Posey even likes playing with him sometimes unless he gets real annoying.

I also learned I may have a longstanding bacterial infection which I was confusing with a specific STI. But no it’s not this particular STI it’s something else! If it gets sorted I can have a real active sex life again so I am looking forward to that. Condoms only prevent so much and I don’t know how infectious this bacteria is so I haven’t really played a lot. BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t have an endless parade of dicks in my Grindr and I could be having fun instead of having to wait for this to clear and turn people down. Not to say I only play with people with dicks, but PIV sex even with condoms is more contact and more potential to transmit things than other sex with barriers like using gloves and dams. Also I just want my life back!

ALSO though it’s potentially having more impacts on my body than my play areas. Like, the Infectious Disease doctor was asking if I was losing clumps of hair, and I know it’s thinning but I assumed that was the hormones. Also he asked if I was getting more spots, like zits and boils etc. And I AM. But again I thought that was the hormones. So it turns out I probably have an infection that I’ve had almost as long as I’ve been transitioning. What the hell. BUT I dunno maybe when it clears up I can have another glow up. It would be nice to grow my hair again but I don’t know if it will all come back. It definitely does look a bit patchy. I don’t know, I’ve been constantly shaving it.

Overall I am doing well. Dogs are well. I should be able to get rid of this infection finally. Name change proceeding along as normal. Gender change also proceeding legally. I’m feeling good about where things are at. ALSO I am going to get to travel eventually which is good.

Introducing Todd!

Theo and Todd
This is Todd!

I have a new dog! His name is Todd (after Todd Haynes), he is a nine week old mini dachshund. He is VERY busy and likes to play and is friendly and brave but I keep having to separate him from Posey because he gets all in her face and she wants to tune him up. So far no big fights, just some snaps in his face. Last night was stressful because he came home just after nine pm and was really scared and Posey was pretty aggravated that he was with us. I alternated having one of them in a kennel and the other loose until finally putting Posey on the bed tied to the headboard with a short leash and Todd on the bed in another leash so I could pull him to safety if it went sideways. This was around 11pm and she was panting a lot because she was stressed, but finally had chilled out enough that I felt they could both be off leash together. They even played on the bed just before we went to sleep, which seemed like a good sign.

He’s wanted to play with her again today, but she was NOT interested. I think she still needs to warm up to him. She was doing some resource guarding so I had to take things away while they get used to each other. I’m super concerned about not setting Posey up to fail, so any time she seemed to need space I would pull Todd away or put him on the floor or otherwise get him out of her face. So far so good. She did snap at him a few times but they were warning snaps. He still doesn’t totally get it.

He’s a baby so he has terrible manners. Was trying to chew wires, my t shirt, all kinds of things. He’s also really distractible which is nice, I can get him away to play with pieces of paper and new toys and stuff. He’s got four toys out right now and I bought a box of little dog toys so I’m slowly bringing them out over the next few days. He wants his mouth on everything!

BUT some good things about him include him knowing exactly what a pee pad is for, and that he’s a friendly and sociable little guy, and also very funny. His personality is very similar to my old dog Little Mister. Little Mister was hilarious and sweet and that seems to be the way this fellow is. I haven’t introduced him to many friends except for my pal who took me to go get him. So I don’t know how he will be with them, hopefully better than Posey is with my friends. Posey is fine if we go for a walk first. But she’s old and particular.

I took her to an overdue vet appointment today and she has a heart murmur! A bad one too. I’m hoping she’ll be ok. She needs an echocardiogram to see what is going on with her little heart and then might go on some medication for it. They said it could result in heart failure so I have to watch out for different signs. Like a sudden disinterest in exercise, or her breathing changing. She does have loud breathing. Last time she was at the vet and I said she breathed funny they said she needed to lose weight. And then she did. And still breathed weird! So that’s probably it. She’s a bit chubby again now tho. BUT ANYWAY ahh I love Posey I don’t want to lose her prematurely. Especially now that she has a friend again.

Posey was an only dog from 2021 to 2024. She had a nice time being an only dog. So I do feel kind of bad that now there’s a new dog she has to learn to love. I hope her heart is not broken from it. I’m trying to give her lots of attention but also puppies need TONS of attention and I’m aware there’s an imbalance when one dog is trustworthy and can do what she pleases and the other one is a cute terror who wants to bite everything.

What I love about Todd is that he is calm and friendly and generally happy although he is a bit of a cry baby. He’s adorable and I think his personality will end up helping Posey take things more in stride. Also when I took her to the vet today I put him in a crate so he couldn’t hurt himself while we were gone, and when I came back he was in the back of the crate totally sleeping and unbothered. He didn’t even notice us come home right away because he was so sleepy. When I leave Posey she sometimes barks out of anxiety. So having one dog be totally cool with some alone time might rub off on her. Also they can snuggle each other when I’m out when I can trust him more that he won’t chew wires.

I have things to get him used to. Like, my sex life alone and with other people because I don’t want him crying around while I’m trying to get off. I honestly probably can’t have lovers or hook ups come over for a while because he’s just too little and too demanding right now. Maybe in a month I can re-evaluate his capacity to be in a crate while I’m having sex with someone. But then also like, puppies are so calm when they tire themselves out.

Next week he goes to the vet and gets some more shots. I think soon he can go to dog areas. I’m waiting until he gets the right shots for parvo and stuff. I think he has one parvo shot now but I’m not sure if he needs more before he can be in areas with dogs.

Aside from that he’s so cute and adorable. Definitely a winning personality. I love watching him play and discover the world. I’m happy my family got bigger again. Also though taking care of a senior and a baby animal at the same time is a LOT of work. But I love them and they love me and that makes it worth it.

What’s in a Name?

I was overdrawn this morning and checked and my cheque went through for my name change. I put borrowed money in it right away thanks to my Mom and then later the bank gave me a five dollar NSF PAID fee, so it’s fine now. I am relieved! It’s been a long time since I put the package in the mail and the postal code had issues and I was starting to wonder if some stranger in Thunder Bay had my long form birth certificate and this big package instead of Vital Statistics. BUT no, they got it, it’s fine! I also heard about how any tiny error in the form could make them send it back. So I was worried about that too, like what if I wrote something wrong? I had my friend who’s a lawyer look at it and sign it before it went off, but I was still nervous. It’s fine though! I am really a Theo Jean Cuthand now. Now I have to update all my other stuff. I need to change my gender on my birth certificate too. And I was born in a different province than I live in now so it’s a whole thing to do this. And Saskatchewan doesn’t seem to have easy options to speed up sending me a new birth certificate. Which means I am cutting it close for getting my passport in time for some work in NY in a couple of months. I really hope all goes well. I need to also get my doctor to sign a form and write a letter for the gender stuff but now I think I need it in my new name so that’s all confusing. It will get sorted. It’s just that there’s stuff I need to do. I do a lot of work in the USA and I haven’t been able to travel this fall/winter after Buenos Aires when I sent in this form. SO I just want it sorted so I can do gigs there again.

BUT I see the end of this process now. I have to update my stuff all in a specific way before I can get my passport, so I’m just going to methodically go through this process and by the end of it I will have a passport and drivers license etc with my real name on it and my real gender. I think it will help me out. Like border agents won’t side eye me for being trans. Or they still could but I pass more easily now so the goal is just to go through the border without much issue. I know things like TSA will still suck cause their magic machine is gonna alert them that I don’t have a cock. I DO but it’s petite and tucked away! It’s big for my demographic but small for cis guy demographics I guess. Although I know there’s a group of micropenis-having cis men out there so I’m probably not the only one getting dinged for not having a big enough penis. I don’t know, TSA is weird. I think something not being there shouldn’t trigger a patdown. Like what are they looking for? The invisible bomb in my pants? That doesn’t make any sense!

Anyway I’m really happy my name change went through. I gotta update it with my co-op too I guess. I’m gonna spend ages looking for all the places that still have my old name. It was a cool old name, like it had a Z in it that is pretty sweet I think. But it’s not my name anymore and doesn’t fit me. And now legally it really isn’t my name anymore. I kept most of my old name, like the first two letters of my first name and then the other two names are the same except I pronounce Jean in the masculine French way. OH my therapist can finally put my whole name on my receipts! We’ve been doing TJ Cuthand for a while in case CRA doesn’t accept the receipts. But now it will be fine!

I gotta do the bank and all that too, and Indian Affairs. And I don’t know if I also have to contact my rez to change my name or if Indian Affairs will do it on their end. I feel like my rez should know though because sometimes they give us money, and I don’t know if they will generate the band list all the time based on Indian Affairs. It’s confusing. I wish it was easier to change my name with everything. Once I get my birth certificate and passport issued in my new name and gender, I will feel better and not so stressed. Those are the main ones. I can change my drivers license and health card sooner because I just need to have my name change certificate and a letter from my doctor. My drivers license was gonna need to get renewed this year anyway. And ditto for my Status Card. Status cards take months to process though, so that will be a while. But I only use it at the pharmacy, and the pharmacy can probably still use my registration number until then.

I ordered some business cards in my final name also, so now I don’t have to give out all these TJ/Deadname business cards I had. I can put it on my baggage tag too.

Also once all that is changed I can change my Aeroplan account so I can use my points for a trip. If I do this right I still might be able to have a birthday vacation this year. That would be at the end of April and I’m sure by then I will have my passport, if not sooner.

I haven’t really thought about a birthday vacation destination yet. Everything has been so up in the air. I was almost hoping my name change didn’t go through, so that I didn’t have to do all this other work to update ID. BUT now the biggest hurdle is completed, I just gotta keep going and updating all the stuff.

I am Theo Jean Cuthand!

My Family is Growing!

I’ve got a puppy coming! Next Monday I’m gonna pick up my new dog, tentatively named Todd after Todd Haynes, my fave director. He’s a cute little brown sable boy and so pretty and I met him last night and he was so small and sweet, but I don’t get my grant until Friday so I had to move Gotcha day to next Monday. PLUS I have a bunch of things to do this weekend out of the house and it wouldn’t be fair for Baby Todd to be left alone that much so young. But after that I am spending more time at home to be with Baby Todd and teach him things he needs to know. I am hoping Posey gets along with him and learns to share my affection again, like she did when Little Mister was alive. She’s seemed to like being an only dog but also I remember when my Furbo worked I would see her cuddling with Little Mister when I was out of the house and now she has no one to cuddle with when I am gone. So I think she would also like a new friend.

I ordered some other things I need for him and now it’s just a matter of puppy proofing the house. I gotta figure out how to hide these wires. Or make them not so appealing. I am gonna try and have lots of things for him to chew on. And I gotta make sure Posey still feels loved.

To be honest I think part of the reason I waited so long to get another dog was because I was hoping a partner would show up and want to move in and already had a dog. But ALSO the timing just wasn’t great. I was traveling a lot, expecting to do lots of work, etc. But with my name change going through I’m not going anywhere for a while. So that’s ok, I can raise my little boy to be a good dog citizen. He’s so small I think his first jacket is gonna be a cut up sock. I’m nervous I will squish him so I’m gonna have to be careful keeping track of where he’s hanging out. Also Posey goes under the couch all the time so he probably will too and I gotta make sure nothing bad is under there.

AND ALSO I just discovered a lump on Posey’s face today, near her ear. She’s going to see the vet next week anyway but now they will probably also have to do a biopsy. Hopefully it’s just a weird old dog lump. Most dog lumps tend to be not an issue. Little Mister had a lipoma for a number of years that never did anything bad to him except make him feel lumpy. But I gotta check!

I also got my nails done on the weekend which was exciting. I was putting it off because I wanted more masculine dude points with naked hands. BUT whatever I like pretty sparkly things AND I’m a boy ok sue me for wanting to be pretty. Ha ha ha.

I think I wrote here about a realization earlier in my transition when I realized thinking I looked ugly before was my dysphoria talking because I was wanted to be more dude shaped than I was for most of my life. And now that I’ve transitioned further and had top surgery and feel more comfortable in my body, I notice I get a lot of attention on apps and stuff. Which is nice! SOMETIMES anyway (when it’s not unwanted or from weirdos). I mean I am sure some of them are chasers. But also a lot of them just call me handsome or hot and stuff and it feels genuine in a way. And there’s someone I like who calls me a hunk which is always super sweet to hear.

It might also be that I’m more confident now. Also I did get a gym habit last year, and started doing boxing classes again. So that’s fun! I actually never thought I would like exercising. I hated P.E. when I was a kid/teen. It was always learning how to play competitive sports which I suck at because I’m a loser and hate that feeling ha ha. But just doing weight lifting and cardio is cool, and testosterone made my body change which was amazing to watch. And boxing is fun because I do recreational boxing so I’m not actually whaling on someone. And I’m not putting myself at risk of head injuries. Plus I bought gloves a while back and finally get to use them.

My facial hair is doing a thing, but so so so wispy that I’ve been shaving it off more frequently. It’s just like, mostly in the places I was hoping it would be, but it’s just thin still. And I don’t like putting on make up on it because I still mask in some places like public transit and I don’t want it to smudge my face up. It could still be coming! I will probably throw a party the first time I notice one of them turns into a terminal hair.

I’m excited that Posey and I get to have a new friend move in. Todd! He might end up with a different name but when I met him he seemed like a Todd. Plus I already ordered his name tag, so he better be a Todd! He was so calm and sweet and friendly. I’m looking forward to the challenge of raising a puppy again.

PLUS He was born exactly TEN years to the day that Posey was born. So what does that mean?! They have the exact same birthday. I hope it means they were meant to be sibs. But also Little Mister was a Taurus and I am a Taurus and Posey is a Scorpio and now there’s gonna be TWO Scorpios in my house, the balance has shifted! Water sign dogs. And I’m dating a water sign. So many water signs!! My sister is one too so that’s probably why I like them. My Dad is ALSO a Scorpio. OMFG that’s a lot. My mom is an Earth sign so that is grounding.

Ha ha do you want to hear the cutest water sign story I have? When my sister was a kid she used to practice crying. Like she would get a mirror and look in it and make herself look sad. And then she would GET sad because she looked SO SAD that she would start crying for real. Ha ha omg.

Overly familiar

I think I have to talk to my therapist about the parasocial relationship people have with me. Usually I don’t think about it much. But sometimes people get kind of obsessed and I have to unfriend/block/whatever. I generally am fine. But I felt really sexually harassed over the last few weeks by a fb “friend” I had to unfriend and I was just being super avoidant and shut down in how I was responding to the situation because it made me so uncomfortable. I should have unfriended them sooner to be honest. So far I haven’t had to block them. But out of curious I checked who was on my block list on FB and it was a lot of people including a lot of women who were behaving sexually inappropriately with me. And it’s not like they were exes, my exes have all generally been kind enough to be respectful and not harass me after break ups. They were mostly women who knew my social media presence and got kind of obsessed and behaving in ways that made me uncomfortable, especially because the obsession seemed to be romantic in nature, and based purely off my online persona and not who I am as a person in real life.

I know parasocial relationships are just a thing people with big online/media presences have. But I wish people would be cooler about it and not try to insert themselves into my life in creepy ways. If I’m open to a romantic connection with someone meeting me online I would much rather be approached in a respectful way and it seems a lot of people just are too horny to be respectful. I don’t know. I don’t know why this happens. I guess I am revealing a lot of information that makes people think we are acquainted when really the reality is it has to go both ways for that to be reciprocal.

I don’t know. I hope my therapist can help me work out my feelings about that. Talking about things like fame in the context of also constantly waiting to get paid seems kinda weird. I think my prayers when I was a kid to be rich and famous focused too much on the famous part and not enough on the rich. What luxury it would be to be rich and obscure! All that money and not one DM trying to get in my pants.

Someone told me that when Quentin Crisp was alive he was listed in the phone book and was amenable to people just calling him up and going to visit him. Like strangers. WOW! I can’t imagine that now, but at the same time it is kind of true for a lot of us because social media is frequently how people find me for work gigs and stuff. Like yeah I guess technically you could just message me on Instagram and ask something. BUT ALSO I get a lot of messages and can’t always keep up, or sometimes I just log in to send cute memes to a cutie I like and then go on with my day.

I’m not constantly available and even the times I am totally single I am not romantically available to just anyone. It’s very frustrating to have people make me uncomfortable because they feel close to me when I have no idea who they are and have no previous interactions with them.

I think I also worry about introducing partners to The Internet. I had one girlfriend who didn’t want any acknowledgement of our relationship online because she didn’t want The Internet to know. At the time I was kind of hurt, but she is also someone with a higher profile in terms of Queer world fame, so it makes a lot of sense now. I know people would have Thoughts to express about it and that would be weird. It’s over with her now and I’m still not going to name her because that’s our business.

But also I would like to be able to share a cute couple pic someday with me and whoever, when someone is ready for The Thoughts that people might have.

I had one girlfriend I mentioned on my FB and 200 people liked that post and I think it weirded her out so she broke up with me a couple weeks later. See I don’t want that! I’m almost tempted to do a slow reveal someday where this person is just kind of always lurking in the background of my posts and then finally one day surprise this is my sweetheart!

I wish I could talk to more people about what it’s like dating as a famous but poor person, or even just what it’s like to have so many people so familiar with so many things. I know in some ways I did this to myself because I wanted to see what it was like having personal things in public like this. But I still deserve respectful messages when people message me. And I still deserve to date people who aren’t overwhelmed by the people who think they know me. I’ve spent a lot of time with this blog specifically and my friends and family trying to figure out ok boundaries and stuff and I do my best. It’s why this blog has such a naval gazing feel to it, because people don’t like it when you talk about them online.

Consolation Bannock

I held off on posting a new post at the end of the year because one, I was trying to get more people to hit the link to download my video game, and two, I was very high most of New Year’s Eve. Having all kinds of thoughts that I thought would probably cause problems if I freely wrote about them here while high.

So I am high again BUT not as high because there’s no edibles today and my thoughts are a bit more ruly than they were at NYE/NYD.

I made myself a Dutch Baby pancake for New Year’s Day breakfast and some beef tenderloin and au gratin potatoes and broccolini for dinner. It was a nice chill day but a lot of dishes needed to be washed. Maybe I can stay on top of that chore this year. 30% of my domestic problems would be solved if I washed the dishes on a more consistent basis. I would feel free to cook more for one thing, instead of ordering in all the time. I would like to bake more too. I was gonna bake a pie on Christmas but I had no flour. So I got flour for NYE but when I went to make the crust I didn’t have white vinegar. And then I thought I would make myself a consolation Baked Bannock, but I had no baking powder so that idea was destroyed too. Basically it’s just been a very long time since I have baked and I need to sort myself out again with supplies.

I don’t know if I was avoiding baking because I didn’t think it was masculine. I know I was avoiding some things I like because it makes it easier to pass as a man without them. Like I miss my gel nails but I haven’t done that partially because of poverty but also because I’m a faggot and not used to being hated as a faggot instead of hated as a dyke. So I AM going to do them but I’m just not ready yet. I do like baking though and also it has a great byproduct, being baked goods. Which are always great! Even a consolation bannock would have been amazing. But I just haven’t baked much this last while. BUT ALSO baking is just like, not a gendered thing. It’s ridiculous that people even go there with it. What makes putting dough in a hot oven and cooking a pastry feminine? It could be a real butch little pastry for all you know, like a tourtière is pretty butch isn’t it? It’s a goddamn meat pie, Sweeney Todd made them out of people. How much more masculine could you get than a little Québécois meat pie?

I wasn’t gonna make a meat pie tho, I was just gonna make a cherry pie.

BUT on the other hand, I still have almost all the ingredients for a cherry pie that I could make at any time. And not so much toxic gender ideology like “You’re a fag for baking!” Although I am a fag but because I suck cock sometimes, not because I bake.

I went to the gym today for the first time this year. It went pretty good, I upped my weight on a few exercises, and tried the declining bench press with dumbbells, which is supposed to be good for the lower half of my pecs. I’m trying to get some perky muscleboobs. I am gonna go to the gym again this week and then on the weekend I am going to boxing class. Which has been going well, I am getting into the groove of it again. I’m not sure lifting weights and boxing goes together. I don’t want to end up all musclebound and not able to throw a decent punch. I don’t know I suppose if things go awry I will notice. I don’t really know if muscles would hinder me, it’s not like I box competitively.

Posey and I have been hanging out all holidays. It’s not really been 100% Holiday time over here. I had work to get through over the holidays, along with trying to post my video game different places to get downloads. And I don’t know if Christmas is a good time to launch a video game, probably a lot of people didn’t have money because of Christmas. Although it is free. But also people were busy. I did appreciate the people who downloaded it though! Thanks so much for playing it!

I need to make another gameplay trailer because I realize some of the features that ended up being in it aren’t in the current trailer. Like there’s a noise when she bites people that is kind of cute. So I gotta redo it, but I’m just like UGH my computer slows down so much when I record my game play in Unity and it’s really aggravating. Also just because I have to play the game doing all the cute things to show how fun it is. But also because it’s so slow, I don’t get accurate time reading the text dialogue, so when I play the recording back the text changes too fast to read. But it works fine in the game. Anyway I guess I will try to record this again tomorrow.

So I have work, video game marketing work, and a meeting tomorrow. That’s all just work. I feel jelly of the people who still have this week off. At the same time I needed to make money! At the same time I’m not getting paid until the third week of January so I’m living on fumes until then trying to continue plugging away at eventual money making work. BUT ALSO maybe tomorrow I will go get baking powder and vinegar and make a pie or a bannock or both! I have to do my laundry tomorrow too. SO MUCH WORK. I guess I have skills so that’s nice, but they need to be compensated in a better way. A more timely way!

If you want to download my video game it is here:

Carmilla The Lonely is LIVE!

You can now download my video game Carmilla the Lonely!

Carmilla the Lonely icon, a fanged feminine mouth with red lipstick
My App Icon!

It’s free but honestly donations are great in this increasingly more and more capitalist world. Especially because you know it will all go to me who is usually broke!

Have so much fun playing it!

Christmas Poverty

I didn’t get my artist fee from my distributor which makes me wonder if my bank information is even correct over there. They could be sending it to someone else’s account, I don’t know! I sent them an email and got an autoresponse that they won’t be back until the middle of January. So that sucks. I have been asking my mom for money and I’m just tired of it and FINALLY my rent cheque went through and didn’t bounce, but with all the things autopaying out of my account I can’t reliably be sure I am going to have the rent at any time. Like I will have it sit in there and all these things autopay and take it. It’s frustrating. I was hoping to get paid my first payment from a gig, but found out today I won’t get it until late January. My Toronto Art Council grant likely won’t be deposited until January so that’s not gonna save me either. I also have to find money for rent again soon for January.

I made an appointment with the bank for Thursday so I can take out what is left of my RSP, but that won’t go through for like, a week. But at least it would give me hopefully enough to pay my rent. Which isn’t even a lot compared to Toronto rents, but I’m still dead broke and no one is in a hurry to pay me.

I did talk about this on my facebook though and some friends sent me enough money that I could get some groceries. Which is good because I was like, down to eggs and cheese. But I’m still poor and there’s still things I need to do. I have some money on my transit pass at least, so I don’t have to worry about that yet. And a goodfood box is coming for me on Thursday and it has nice things in it, so hopefully that helps. I still need to get a chicken for Christmas dinner, but I’m hoping to do that on Saturday so it doesn’t sit around for too long. I also need a panetone. Is that how many n’s pannetone has? I feel like it’s wrong. Maybe it needs two t’s. I don’t know I’m hungry and can’t spell. I did have cheesy eggs tho so I’m not like, as miserable as I was earlier today.

I HATE POVERTY! And I hate when people take weeks to process payments. And I hate poverty Christmases! I called the food bank and made an appointment, hoping I could get something soon, but I can’t go until January 12th. So I’m glad my friends sent me money but also it really shouldn’t be like this. People/Corporations/Funders legit owe me thousands of dollars but I can’t access it at all until mid to late January. What’s the point? Even fucking welfare makes sure to pay people just before Christmas, even tho that usually fucks them over when January comes. It just is all awful and I’m bummed out that I supposedly have a career but at the same time was gonna research where to get a free Christmas dinner, and was wondering about panhandling just so I could afford to eat something.

ALSO of course I have to pay this ridiculous developer membership so that Apple will notarize my video game, and it just seems like a cynical money grab. All it has to do is process something ONCE and that is it. I’m probably going to cancel it as soon as I’m done with it. But it’s causing me to wait to release my game and it pisses me off. AHHHHH. I hate it. And I hate that I have to get rid of the last of my savings just so I can pay January rent. And I hate that I’ve been working on a feature film for years and no one is funding it. It just feels unjust. I’ve also been sidelined in a project I did this past year because the producer was laterally violent towards me and I had to cut them off from accessing me. So now the co-director of that project gets all the credit in all the publicity, even though I wrote and directed almost half the project. But I just can’t let people be violent towards me in my work life, I will not accept it. It’s too bad because it was a good project. But whatever, I can’t fix the world. I can just struggle lol.

I guess this is where I should write that I’m grateful for something because Christmas blah blah blah. I am grateful for my friends and family. But also really disappointed and tired of struggling and tired of lateral violence. So yeah if you wonder “Theo worked on that project I wonder why he’s not in any of the publicity?” It’s because I’ve been excluded on purpose.

Poverty also Not Poverty also Hyperfocusing on my Video Game

Lumpy Space Princess and her can of beans
My beans!

I am in this weird twilight period of being poor but also expecting thousands of dollars to be deposited. It’s coming I swear to god! Today I walked to the corner store and got two cans of beans so I have something to eat with my wieners, and I remembered Lumpy Space Princess and her beans. One time when I was also poor (ha ha funny how common that experience is for me) I was partying with this guy I met through his girlfriend I was Livejournal friends with and we were up all night (on drugs) and then walked to the gas station to get something to eat and he like, bought a can of kidney beans. That is poor! I also ate those kidney beans. Poor people.

But these beans are great (also baked beans which is better than kidney beans) and also amazing because I will eventually have access to enough money to get groceries. But I checked my old emails and the last time I got a TAC grant approval in Dec, it didn’t get deposited until late January. AHHHH fuck. I mean for tax reasons maybe that’s good, but also my accountant knows how to transfer a grant to the following year so it kind of doesn’t matter. Ahhh did I pay his retainer? Shit I should check!

I am getting closer to releasing my video game. I have three things to do: Fix the credits, get App notarized by Apple, and make an app Icon so it is more visible as an app than that little blank App icon you automatically get. I know how to do the credits but I don’t know how to do the other two things. But I’m gonna learn I guess! The same as all the other technical things I had to relentlessly google to solve.

I took a break to go do work and I’m happy to say there is now an app icon for my game, and also I’m on the way to figuring out how to get this notarized, and also the credits are done! I just need to import these files again and replace the old files and then also figure out how to use these Unity DevOps tools to finish notarizing. And then build my app and test it and see if I can break it. I kind of don’t worry about glitchy things. Like I think you might be able to kill someone if you get to the door before the stake gets to you, which I have done accidentally. It’s a good trick I’m not pressed about it. That person just shows up again when you come back to the level. I also need to make the door triggers smaller so you don’t get automatically sucked in so easily. BUT I think after that it’s ready. I missed the Halloween window of releasing a game, but hopefully some people want to buy their loved one a weird video game for Christmas or Hanukkah. It’s not gonna be ready for Hanukkah though. BUT maybe Christmas.

I honestly thought making the app icon would be too hard, but it was ridiculously easy. Just like the other day when I put captions on some videos and also discovered that was easy. This is the icon:

Carmilla the Lonely icon, a fanged feminine mouth with red lipstick
My App Icon!

I think it looks awesome. Originally I was going to go with Carmilla’s Head, but I think the fangs look way better. The fangs were the first things I drew for the game. And they only show up on the start/quit scene. And also more immediately identifiable as a Vampire mouth. Also it’s a sexy vampire mouth. Also the design is just really nice. ALSO I just hope it makes people want to play it. I think my Bipolar Journey video game got taken offline, so I think I’m going to try and do a new release of that in an easier place to download. Also I can also finally make an app icon for it which would be nice.