I knew I could prove “psychosis” was a relevant transformational crisis. I’m glad no one took me to the hospital, because as you can tell from my previous hospitalization, it is in no way shape or form safe for transgendered people to go there. In fact I have often been apppalled by places non-trans people send me, seeming totally oblivious to the fact that I have way different identity issues. It’s often been violent, towards me. And I am tired of being beat up. So please, no more giving orders for me. I’m off to go live my own life. Well, sort of. I do still want this blog to be about personal transformation in various people’s lives, which is why I started inviting people. Because I’m not the only one changing in the world.
And I’m glad I’m off the stupid drugs, those pills made me mean and weird. I mean, they froze me in the mean weird fucked up stage I was in. Now that I’m off I can move along to a more appropriate treatment for my issues, in this case that would be testosterone. And I think I have enough humbleness to avoid the trap of proving I’m a guy by slugging all my friends. I’ve seen people do their transition either really well or really badly, and I’m hopefully going to do mine really well. I just slept for a really long time, like, totally peaceful. And that is nice. I’m going to be going on EI and taking the summer off to like, just figure myself out and remember who I am. And who I am is a really nice person, I’m quite silly and funny and fun. And sexy. And gentle, that’s the thing, normally I am quite gentle which is why this whole four years has been stupid, I’m not interested in fucked up shit, I mean, only in that it shouldn’t be there.
I still want to take a tour of the Synchotron though, I think Edward is going to come with me for that, it should be fun. And I’ll be glad to just gently inspire people instead of boss them around. Inspiration is a good thing. I mean, if you did exactly what I did word for word, you’d have to go to the gender clinic! But really, if you did find anything useful in those writings then by all means check their facts if you want to go those places. It’s true that there is more scientific support for the existence of God than the existence of mental illness in the brain chemical theory going today.
And I do have some nice people around me, they’ve all been freaking out but I hope they’re fine now. And I bought myself some time, which is awesome. And I think I might actually go off to Toronto and do my major transition there, which would be a way better idea than trying it here. I think I need to be around more diversity than I can find in Saskatoon. And I’ve never lived in Toronto, but I have friends there and there is a big trans community and altogether it might be a safer place. And I’ll be in Montreal in November talking on the Gender panel, which I have to get together. And I will be talking about psych disabilities in Victoria, where I can talk about everything I discovered. And hopefully I will get a chance to go to school and write my thesis as a blueprint for alternative care homes, and you know, that can be public domain when I’m done, I don’t really want to own it, I think everyone should own it. And there is psychiatric survivor day in Toronto in September, which I will be doing. And there is a ten minute presentation I am supposed to give at the ACC, so I think I will just talk about transformational creative energy. Because I think everyone kind of wants to use that in their lives safely. And not everyone will go as far out as I did, because we are all different. So it’s useful, I can apply my stuff to all these different groups in ways that are relevant to them.
I do know transgendered folks are intensely spiritual though, more than most, which makes me wonder if someone stumbled on me and deliberately activated that awakening process. I think I know who it was. Ze’s a card.
I know I talked about cults a lot, well you know what, the binary gender system is a cult. It’s the most fucked up cult I’ve ever met. Hate it. Stupid binary gender system. It’s a cult for stupidheads.
So I am really relieved. And I’m making up with certain people who seem to be happy to watch me turn into who I really am. But man, not transitioning anymore is getting to be way too dangerous, I’d probably snuff it for sure. I didn’t want to be making this decision lightly though, obviously, it’s a huge decision. And I wanted to make sure it was really for me and not because of other things. And really, women do have a sucky ass position in the world, and it is so not fair. They deserve to be whoever they want to be, even the ones who won’t wear skirts because it triggers them. I love women, they rule. And I like that I will always have them in my life and not just abandon them for men, because I like all types of women. And I know how disappointed lesbians get when someone transitions and starts badmouthing them. I mean, that is rude. If lesbians nurtured you while you were sorting yourself out, then they deserve respect as much as anyone. And some of them do go mean and rejecting, it’s true, but those are INDIVIDUALS and not the lesbian community as a whole. And butch women were great for me to hang out with because they are boys, in a way, they just like doing it in that style. And they do have style.
I hope to see more gender equality in my lifetime. I think we need more women in positions of power. It’s changing, slowly, but really, I think Parliament needs to be at least 50% women. Otherwise fucked up shit happens. And we need better representation, I mean, all citizens should have reps, even trans folks. Diversity in places of power can only make things stronger. That all being said, corruption can happen to anybody. Even me when I ended up in the hospital, they made me corrupt! Not healed at all!
Anyway, after I do my thesis I’m going back to filmmaking, because that’s my strong suit, and I think I can be bossy in an ethical way now. Hopefully. I think being bossy by way of inspiration is far more fun. And it will be interesting to work with actors and find out how to safely inspire them and take them through their process and make sure they are okay at the end. Filmmaking with aftercare, that’s a good idea. And they should be allowed to stop a scene when it’s way too hard on them, that’s a damn good idea.
And there really are lights in the sky here, Laurel has seen them with me. I don’t know why they like the prairies so much, but they are here. Laurel thinks they are looking for someone. They’re doing something anyway. I’m not scared of them though, they seem to have a plan. Maybe we’re getting a galactic intervention! We need one anyway, this planet has a terrible boss, oh man, so terrible. The infrastructure’s fucked.
But back to transitioning. I don’t know that I will be flying overseas until something is done about this silly war. It’s just not really a good idea for someone like me to travel if I am transitioning, and eventually I will look like a bio guy and then my ID won’t match and that gets tricky, especially in an age of government paranoia. So, the word on the street is for transfolks to stop travelling for a few months, or else take all their documentation with them. But you know, those border guards are thugs, they aren’t very intelligent and they do hassle people who are different, in any way. So I’ll probably stay in Canada for a while until I get the all clear, which sucks because I like seeing the world. Poopy war! It makes life so dull.
Anyway, I guess I will be bringing Schrodinger and Mister to Toronto with me, because they are nice to have around and they make me happy. Schrodinger is a bit of a bossy cat though, but he’s terribly handsome, and he and Mister are best friends, so that’s good. And they didn’t get enough attention while I went through this, but they will now, funny little dudes. Schrodinger has an obsession with a screw that is in the wall, just one damn screw that’s in the hallway. He’s always liked it, I don’t know why. Anyway, I find pets have a nice grounding force, it’s good to have animals in the house.
And maybe now I can finally be around people who can actually respect me for who I am instead of who they want me to be. Which would be nice, because I didn’t much like being a cipher.