All posts by Thirza Cuthand

Landed Back In My Nest!

I’m back home! Vancouver trip ended really well, my retrospective was well attended, I got the VQFF Media Artist Award which they have only given out twice now, and the last time was ten years ago. And then I lead a workshop for QTBIPOC people and that went really well, and then I went to The Root and read out my diary entries from when I was 7 and 14. I got to see my ex Amber Dawn and reminisce about our histories in Vancouver as queers and when we dated. Talk about life now in our 40’s. My cousin Deanna and I saw each other a bunch which was really nice. I saw my friend Lynn too and that was sweet. People were mostly really busy tho, and there were a couple days where people kept cancelling on me. There were about three people I thought I might have a chance at fooling around with but either our schedules didn’t work out or I was too damned slow to pick up what they were putting down. It’s okay! I’ll live.

Anyway, I am trying not to do long distance things, even tho I have definitely flown further than Toronto to Vancouver to have sex before. But NO I am done with that kind of thing. I want a monogamous local long term thing. Anyway ha ha yeah….

I had a nice hotel room. I drank all the coffee and they kept bringing me more, but they brought more decaf all the time too, so by the time my stay ended there was like, way too much decaf I was never gonna drink.

It was super smokey there the last couple days I was there. Like you couldn’t see the mountains. And most of the beaches were closed because of e.coli. It’s smokey all across Western Canada.

Now that I’m back I gotta get back into working, and order some groceries because I am out, and scroll through my email and try to find messages I couldn’t get to because I was away and busy. Someone said I should do an auto reply thing, but last time I did that I started getting emails bouncing back and forth from noreply emails. What a pain!

I did a lot of thinking about some personal things while I was out there which will remain unwritten here. They really aren’t interesting for anyone but me anyway, and for me it’s really only personal growth stuff now because it’s not going to turn into anything but me confronting parts of myself and the way I approach the world. AHHH ha ha I do have other secret places I write about this stuff. I tried talking about it with friends out there but I could kind of see their eyes glaze and felt super sheepish about needing to process it when it seemed like the most boring banal thing to them. I mean maybe it is boring and banal to everyone but me, it’s not like it’s ever going to be something that will impact their lives.

At the same time I am feeling myself starting to withdraw from friends who can’t do give and take in conversations and let me have space to talk about my stuff before they launch into their stuff. I’m getting tired of having things I say be ignored or disregarded. I think this got especially noticeable with the broken foot, like some people just did not give a shit about my broken foot or what I was going through, and to be perfectly honest I was pretty suicidal the first week I was recovering from it. Like to the point I was scaring myself. So not having my mental health treated with any kind of care was super upsetting, and mostly people who didn’t ask how my foot was doing made me just kind of like, avoid carrying on conversations with them. It is still impacting my life, like I can’t go grocery shopping on my own yet, I still need to order groceries. I still don’t ttc because I’m terrified of not getting a seat and being pretty sad. And sometimes, especially on my trip, when I was trying to do things I got really frustrated and upset because my mobility is limited. There were three friends who did a lot of carework for me though, things that don’t get celebrated but are so necessary like taking out my garbage and recycling. So for that I am grateful. I’m way more independent now, thank god, but I still take cabs. And mostly I probably will still want to stick close to home.

I guess I’m fine overall though. Like, my foot is way better, and my insurance claim went through for my broken bone and now I have $3000 I hadn’t been expecting. So that’s super nice. I also have a big cheque from the festival to deposit tomorrow of about $2500. And then another big $3500 artist fee is coming from my distributor. So fucking relieved. Of course, tomorrow morning I am gonna start going to the fertility clinic for cycle monitoring. So that’s gonna start wiping out some of my cash. But that’s ok, I’ve been planning this. And Amber Dawn told me a hopeful story about a couple she knows who also made science babies and they had four fertilized eggs and used two and they both became humans, and then donated the other two to another couple and both those eggs also became humans. I really hope I can get a human out of one of my eggs. I think I would make a cute smart funny baby.

Giblet 4Lyfe

OMG. So I am out of town right now, in Vancouver, and my foot is broken still obviously. Like it HAS gotten a lot better, but it still hurts if I stand on it for a longer period of time. I’m pretty much negotiating my way from chair to chair. I walked a couple of blocks the other day with my cousin to Union Market to visit a friend and get snacks, which was fine. But anyway, I’ve really noticed some good and bad things about being temporarily disabled. I mean, none of it is really good, sometimes people make accommodations that are helpful. I got to go into the Special Needs and Family line at the airport in Toronto to get through security. But some random guy noticed it was a shorter line and went under the barrier to get in our line and then he and his friend fucking jumped in front of me. It was really disrespectful. The plane was mostly ok, I only went to the bathroom twice, and my crutches fit in the overhead bin. I got on the plane first which was nice.

I had an alright night when I got to the hotel, my cousin came over and we visited, and the next day I took a cab to her place and visited some more. But then I went to the festival and it was like, really hard. People sort of didn’t know what to do with me at first, like I came in and kind of wanted to just go find a chair to sit down and they kind of stood there not knowing what to do with me, I had to ask to sit down a couple of times, at one point some white media bros were sitting on a couch I had been sitting on and there was nowhere else to sit and they were clearly able bodied and looking at me and saw me in crutches and my aircast and still didn’t get up or make room so I could sit down, so I had to ask staff for a chair. And they did bring me a chair, which was nice. Like the staff was trying to be accommodating. A few times I went to the accessible toilets and the rest of the toilets were downstairs so I couldn’t go use them, I can do stairs but I didn’t feel safe doing it there. Anyway, every time I went to the accessible toilets there was an able bodied person in there taking a long time. I was getting kind of frustrated. They never apologized when they came out and saw me standing there waiting in my sad crutches and boot. And then at the party there was like, a line to get in that I ended up cutting, and then long lines for drink tickets and drinks. And the festival person got me a drink which was nice. But I was feeling super bummed out and sitting in a chair alone and I ended up leaving and waiting a really long time for a cab to take me back to the hotel. I did talk to a few people, but mostly people were doing other things talking to other people and I couldn’t really do that networking thing or go find friends or anything. So it was very frustrating. I think people don’t think about this stuff. Sometimes I’m appalled people don’t get it that I have a broken foot and need to sit down. Like people just are really careless about their fellow humans, and don’t really give a shit. And I’m supposed to be the artist in residence and some kind of special guest and it like just feels like I’m invisible because I’m sitting in a corner somewhere.

Anyway, blahhhhh.

I’m seeing my other cousin tonight for dinner and staying in my hotel doing scriptwriting this afternoon. I am behind and really need to get my script to a better state. I cut a whole bunch of stuff and read all the notes and it’s starting to take shape in a more interesting direction, but I also need to get the characters voices more distinct and make it more visual. I wish I had more time. I also came to this point where I was like “OMFG I’m never writing a horror/thriller again” and then fuck wouldn’t you know it I heard a story from a friend that started making me see this whole movie that was also another fucking horror film. And it could be damned good and I’m like I guess this is my life now!

Anyway…

I’m tired of feeling shitty about my broken foot. Like it’s getting better, I can take short walks like ten feet from the bed to the bathroom without a cast. It’s probably not a good idea yet. BUT ALSO I’m feeling encouraged that I can go that far without collapsing in pain. Like it is GETTING BETTER! And just now I managed to go to the 711 and get some pop, so my morale is improving. Sometimes it’s so damned hard, and sometimes I feel like I’m mentally okay, and sometimes I’m just like fuck put me in stasis until this foot is healed. But also I have a lot of work to do like programming and this scriptwriting and attending this festival and I have a performance coming up in September. AND obviously also editing my doc. Like there’s a ton of work and I don’t know why it piles up every summer. Also I need to write a grant, which is like, important, and I can do it with assistance. But I almost wish I could extend my time, like if I had a time turner like Hermione in Harry Potter so I could do each day three times to get all this work done or something. And I know on some level that the broken foot really kicked the shit out of my productivity, it sucks tho, because I also don’t want to believe my worth is contingent on my productivity. I guess I got really accustomed to working super hard on lots of stuff, and it’s a bit of a kick to the self esteem to know my capacity is not as great as it was. And all of this is going on and I don’t want to complain about work because I really love what I do. I just feel so shitty and sad and it’s hard to do those things right now. It’s only going to be 6 to 8 weeks altogether until I can take this boot off. And already it’s been 19 days. Like it might still hurt for 6 months, BUT the main healing is happening now and this is the roughest part and then it’s gonna get easier. It just sucks that it had to happen near the end of summer, when I have all these projects and this work trip.

I wonder if I will end up getting a cane? If I do I want to make it witchy or cool or something. These mobility aids feel so utilitarian. I mean there’s only so much you can do with them tho. Anyway …. I’m seeing my other cousin Shar today, which will be nice. We are having dinner together. I’m excited to see her. Other people seem to want to see me too, but it’s hard because like, I can’t hop on the bus right now and drop by to say hello. Like it’s all cabs right now, or the driver the festival is giving me.

When my cousin Shar broke something, I think it was her arm or something like that, her boyfriend at the time started calling her Giblet. Ha ha ha omg. Anyway, I was whining to my other cousin Deanna about being worried that I’d be like, broken forever, she said I could start calling myself Giblet 4Lyfe! Ha ha ha omg. It sucks being a Giblet. At least there’s a cute name for this situation.

Late Night Thoughts from The Couch

OMG I’m so sleepy! This is a terrible time to try and write a blog post.

Well, let’s see…

I’m trying to keep up on my work. I am writing, not coming along as fast as I would like though. This weekend I am plowing through about 101 submissions for the queer film fest I help program. I saw some good and bad stuff. It’s been illuminating. It’s also a lot to watch at once. I am stuck with about seven features at LEAST to watch, after I get through about 32 more films (some of which might also be features). It’s intimidating me! I still have time.

Friday we had a shoot day, it was, including driving, about 12 hours. SO LONG! OMG! But I think we wrapped, might do another day for pick up shots if we need more footage to fill it out, but we want to see a cut before we make that call in case there are specific images that need to be used. It’s gonna be 20 minutes in the end, which really is not very long. I can kind of see it in my head, but I know I should watch some of the raw footage again to guide the editor.

I’m really trying to keep on top of three things right now, the programming for the film fest, writing this script, and finishing this 20 minute doc. More work happens in the fall, including finally shooting this short we got money for. I am starting to say “We” now even tho it’s really just me. Maybe because I’m starting to get used to making films WITH people. I was such a solitary filmmaker for so long. Video Artist if you are gonna be fussy. But yeah, I really did the shooting, the editing, the writing, the performing, etc. Now I have producers and crew and editors and story editors and stuff and it’s not just me doing these things anymore. I still make very self driven short films, but even then it’s more collaborative than before. I am kind of liking that. I know life is about growing, and change, and I am growing and changing with my career, and my career is going into places I’ve long wanted it to go. Some of that seems to disappoint the more hardcore experimental film folks I’ve spent time with. But also, I know I need to make a living, and for the most part I am good at this stuff, and I like it which is even more important. I really think liking your career is half the battle. After that it can still be stressful, but at least you are having fun.

Anyway, it’s so weird. I’ve been trying to date, and I DO have another date coming up although we had to reschedule. But I feel kind of crappy with my broken foot, like I won’t be able to really romance someone, much less have good passionate sex with them. But disabled people have sex all the time, and this is JUST a broken foot. Like ok, no romantic walks. But it’s temporary and it’s gonna get better. Anyway yeah, I am trying to not feel so anxious about my romantic life or potential dates or rejection. Because that kind of pressure isn’t good for anyone, least of all me. But I still worry I won’t have someone fall in love with me and I’ll die alone. I mean I know I won’t, there’s someone coming, or I might know someone now. But it’s kind of been a long standing worry of mine. I think that’s from growing up as a bit of a nerd and outcast, especially being so butch and lesbian and kids being homophobic but not realizing that’s why they treated me shitty. That makes you feel weird about yourself.

Anyway yeah. I’m fine though, I just need to keep doing my jobs, keep healing my foot bone, keep eating and showering and getting up every morning. Remembering to put my clothes out the night before so in the morning I can put on my underwear and shorts before strapping on my walking boot. Like romance would be lovely, and I would have a lot to give someone. But also I just have to keep living my life and doing my thing. And I get to go to Vancouver this week, which is even more exciting! I have to figure out how to work and also see friends and loved ones and do my gigs. It will be ok. Last time I went to Vancouver tho, I got so stressed out from seeing people all the time. Like SO stressed. I wasn’t getting any alone down time. But this time I have a hotel, so that might help.

Broken Foot Diaries

Feet. I’m so tired of my broken foot. BUT it is getting better, I had to go out of the house and it was just going to a car to go down the street to the post office, then into the post office and back. But I felt like I could go faster, my foot didn’t hurt as much, like it hurts. But it’s not feeling like I’m gonna have to sit down right away when I move around. I can walk on my boot without crutches, I still take them when I go out of the house. But I feel more like I am capable of life, which is good. And I got taken to a Starbucks drive through and it was super nice, I felt like I was out of the house and having fun. Even tho it was just to get a frappuchino.

A friend is coming tomorrow night to do my laundry. I gotta wake up early to let the cable internet installer guy in. I’m not really looking forward to that, I don’t know why they have to start at 8am. That’s too fucking early! Why can’t they start at 9am like normal people? And now I have to set my alarm for seven, ugh. And yesterday when I went to the doctor, I slept through my alarm just sleepily hitting snooze. So I really gotta set TWO alarms that sound different. I DID make it to the doctor though because my friend texted me and woke me up.

The doctor says six or eight weeks in the air cast. Maybe I could move to a stiff shoe, but the air cast is the best. And honestly I do want to heal up properly, so I’m willing to suck up six or eight weeks in this cast. And also a week and a half has gone by, so now it’s really only four and a half to six and half weeks left. Anyway, I got my insurance forms filled out, prescriptions, blah blah. I’m gonna be okay, it was super depressing on Saturday tho. Like SO depressing.

I’m in an up and down mood. Sometimes I feel very positive, other times I feel very down. I’ll be fine I’m sure. I’m still able to emotionally care for people I am close to, so that makes me feel better. And a lot of people are caring for me, which is super sweet. Like bringing me things, or driving me places, or helping do my laundry or take out the trash and recycling. I think I’m finally ready to try and wash the floor tomorrow afternoon. It’s really making me bummed out to have a dirty floor, so if I can get it washed I’ll feel a million times better.

I know in the long view of my life, a broken foot is really such a small thing, like it’s a blip. People have told me to do physio because they injured themselves and DIDN’T do physio and still have problems. So I am not in a place where I feel I can move my foot that much. Maybe next week.

I’ve been reading about bone healing, the first two weeks is inflammation. Then I think there’s something called a soft callus. Then a hard callus. Then the bone does remodelling and reinforces itself to go back to the way it was before. So it’s a process, the remodelling takes months. But hopefully in a few weeks when I get my xrays again, I can get this boot off. I am so tired of it. I can take it off when I am just sitting around, but I don’t feel brave enough for that yet. I’m so worried it’s going to heal out of place or something. Or the dog will jump on it and hurt it again. UGH!

Aside from foot troubles and a whole ton of work going on right now, things are fine. I’m flirting with some people. No one has kissed me yet though. I’m trying to be open to falling in love again, it’s hard ha ha. I am just trying to meet new people, so that’s nice. I like meeting people. With my damned broken foot.

Tender Feet

It’s over a week now since I broke my foot. I definitely feel better when my foot is up as opposed to when it’s on the floor or standing. It’s hard to keep it up all the time. I went to the courtyard yesterday with my friend Riki and we sat and played a game of cribbage. It was nice, I had never played cribbage before. I didn’t win but that was ok. I had pizza yesterday, like a frozen pizza in the oven kind of pizza.

Today my two producers from two different projects got in touch with me and I’m trying to get back into work. I gotta make a shot list for my doc, and keep working on my script for the other producer. I guess I had to feel bad about myself for a while, but also funders mean deadlines, and deadlines are coming up. So I’m working again, more than before. It’s probably good to keep my mind off my foot.

I’m supposed to go on a date next week, and go to Vancouver on Wednesday. I’m not really looking forward to travelling with my busted foot. I am hoping all goes okay. I asked someone else on a date too, but who knows! I’m just trying to be open to the universe right now. Kind of silly with a broken foot though. Like the things I can do are so limited. Can’t go dancing. Can’t go for long walks. Can’t play volleyball on the beach or go bowling or stand for long periods. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still a fun person to be with and that there is A LOT I could do, like coffee or dinner or movies. My ex girlfriend told me about cast porn, so I watched some of that (but not much cause of bad internet) and it made me feel a little better. Maybe I can find a cast fetishist.

The internet is causing me heartache. I had to give up my DSL account and switch to cable, but cable hasn’t been installed yet. So I’m waiting on that. And it won’t happen until Thursday morning. I have all these videos to watch, which stresses me out. Ahhhhhhh! OMG!

Work stuff is stressful right now. I’m trying NOT to be stressed about it. I have so many things on the go, and only a few things I can actually do right now. My spoons count is so low these days and I have to prioritize the things I am getting paid for. Obviously. Especially since my bank account is going down. AND Egg Freezing stuff is still gonna happen and I gotta remember to head to the fertility clinic when I return from Vancouver. I’m so annoyed by all these trips I have to take right now. I know it’s nice, yay, travel is great. But I won’t be in top form until my trip to Australia in November, HOPEFULLY! So yeah, yikes. I wonder if I should get a wheelchair or that cart when I go to the airport. How do you get those carts?

Anyway I mostly wanted to write here because I AM feeling better, not so sad. Stressed but not despondent like I was. I need to find someone to do my laundry again this week. I hate feeling like I am asking too much of people. But I also am wearing dirty shorts and it’s like, gross. I have some other pairs I could change into tho. I’m just in a clothing rut.

Sleep in, eat bacon, pet dogs

I’m really tired, but I got to sleep in this morning for the first time in days. I slept until 10am. Little Mister woke me up so he could start his day. Posey can sleep forever if she feels like it, she just hangs out with me where ever I am in the house.’

Today a couple friends came over to bring me things and hang out, which was nice. I got to visit and have things like dog food and medication and food things. I’m looking forward to getting my life back. I don’t know how long I will be in this boot, my friend Terri who was with me at the hospital says the doctor said two weeks. I’m not sure. I’m going to be glad to get rid of it. This damn boot. I mean the thing is it DOES help, and it makes me feel a little bit more safe and secure when it’s on. It’s just my foot is stuck in one position, it doesn’t move, it’s big and clunky and makes me uneven. It’s frustrating.

I’m not as depressed as I was the other day. Yesterday I went to work and we did a shoot and I got to be out of my house seeing this event happen and it was pretty exciting. I got to be social and that was nice. And today my friends dropped by and that was nice. The more I get to see people, the better I feel about things. It’s only when I’m alone and cooped up that I get anxious, depressed, and squirrelly.

I’m taking notice of changes inside though. I bought this huge cactus a few weeks back from the corner store, and this morning I noticed it has a couple of tufts on the tops of it’s pads. I don’t know if it’s a flower, or the beginning of a new pad, or what. I did notice when I looked at it more closely that both of those pads had clearly had growth broken off in the past, where these tufts are now coming out of. Maybe the plant people were trying to keep it from getting too big to sell and transport, so they snapped off the older growth. It’s kind of a metaphor for life really, some places just keep you from growing. Anyway, it seems to have clued in that it has a safe home now and it CAN grow again, because it’s starting and I am getting a happy vibe off of it. I’m trying not to water it too much. I literally only watered it twice since I got it. Apparently it’s happy with that.

The dogs are happy I’m home so much. Posey cried the other day when I went to work. She would follow me everywhere if she could.

Anyway, it’s Friday night, I’ve got a case of near beer to drink (ha ha tho I won’t drink the whole thing), my cable works at least, and tomorrow my friend Elwood is gonna pick up my modem from the post office so I can get online and do work again.

I’m touching my healing chest tattoo a lot these days because it’s itchy, trying not to scratch tho. It’s made me feel different about my body, in like, positive and sexy ways though. Like, I just really like looking at it now. I have my shirt off a lot more when I’m home and the blinds are closed. I feel like it’s an attractive tattoo, and it kind of fits my gender really well, it’s a roaring bear with a chrysanthemum, so it’s like a sweet balance of masculine and feminine. It makes me feel more at home in my body, which is nice. It’s still a bit tender in places. It was red in one area, but that seems to have gone away now. Bears are my guardian spirit animal, so it has a lot of personal meaning for me. I’ve had bear dreams my whole life and feel an affinity towards them. I’m not allowed to eat them for spiritual reasons. I’m not supposed to eat horses either actually. I have had bear grease on me in the past, but I think that’s permitted for Medicine reasons.

Anyway, I’m gonna be okay. I need to do dishes tonight, it would improve my life. I’ve put it off because I needed to be able to be on my feet for fifteen minutes to wash them up. And that was a lot to ask. But tonight I fried up some bacon, and I was able to put most of my weight on my left leg, and it seemed okay.

My foot is a little swollen where the injury was today, I think probably because I moved around a lot yesterday. ALSO I didn’t take any tylenol yesterday, which was kinda stupid. I took some today. But yeah, it was a mistake, because I felt pretty sore at the end of the day.

Next week hopefully we are gonna finish up the shoot. We’ll see. We talked about ways for me to be able to direct while sitting down. I kind of joked about needing a director’s chair, but the more I think about it, the more I think it’s a totally good idea. I’m sure I can get other chairs at the location. But a director’s chair sounds nice, like real pro ha ha!

Anyway, I’m not AS bummed out as the last post I wrote here. It still comes and goes though.

It just sucks right now

I’m listening to Tori Amos tonight so you can be sure I am in some kind of mood, some kind of cry a lot and think about missed chances mood or something.
Mostly though, I’ve realized I’m kind of sinking into a depression from not having the same abilities to move around that I had Sunday afternoon, before my fracture. I am pretty limited in what I can do. I’m scared to take the TTC, and I can’t even walk far enough to get to the bus stop anyway. I took a cab the other day across town and back that I’m waiting to get reimbursed for and it was about $55. I’m bored as fuck at home and my internet is mostly down, which means I can’t upload videos to a screening in Vancouver and I can’t preview videos for either of the two organizations I need to preview videos for. I’m going out tomorrow to do some work, I’m worried I won’t manage, we’ll see. I’ve been taking afternoon naps because I haven’t gotten enough sleep because the Bell tech kept coming early in the morning to try and fix my Internet before we found out it was the modem. And I stay up late. And tomorrow I have to get up early again. I feel shitty whining about my busted foot but also I kind of need people to listen to me because it’s been difficult, and listen without telling me all their problems like we are in Problem Competition.
I hate being depressed, especially since it’s summer and my therapist and my GP are both on holidays for a few weeks. And I know it’s situational depression and I’m gonna heal and be fine but it still really sucks. And I’m mostly getting enough help from friends, but also I’m not totally getting enough social activity which is hard cause I can’t leave my house much and leaving it just to go work is just kinda shitty.
AHHHHHH I hate depression. I think it’s kind of a cumulative depression though of this past year and having nothing to do but reflect on my shitty choices and situations I have been in and people I have been friends with who treated me kind of shitty. Well, really shitty. UGH. It’s frustrating. I would love to go to a movie or take a walk or go to the store or even just get on a stupid bus and walk around Bed Bath and Beyond but I’m stuck at home. And I can’t even watch Netflix because the internet is down. Until Friday, HOPEFULLY, when the new modem comes. And I can’t handle someone telling me to go for a walk cause it’s a sunny day when I can’t fucking walk further than to the bathroom and back. Or MAYBE from here to the sidewalk. Ugh, people don’t get it.
I can’t wash my floor which really bothers me, because I have dogs so it needs pretty regular washings. People keep asking me to do arty business stuff and I can do some within reason but also I’m really low on spoons and most of my day is spent doing a little bit of writing and then trying to look after myself. I have no partner and I live alone so I’ve had to try and be independent and people keep being like “Put your feet up!” and I’m like “Do you see anyone making me food right now? Do you see anyone picking up after the dogs? Do you see anyone who lives with me who is able to do the dishes?” Ugh. I’ve gotten some help. But some household tasks are just there and need to be done and I’m not able to just sit back like a princess and not do anything because someone is gonna bring me a plate of food every few hours. So that’s frustrating. I got overwhelmed with everyone’s unsolicited advice on facebook, some of which was completely different than what my actual DOCTOR told me, so I finally declared it Don’t Give Thirza Unsolicited Advice Day today and I think that helped.
The dogs are good to have around. We never went on super frequent dog walks, so they are mostly okay hanging out with me. I know in a month when I’m more mobile, Posey is gonna be ridiculously happy to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. I feel bad like I’m robbing her of a summer.
And then I feel bad about missing out on summer, I can’t go to the beach again because the sand isn’t a stable surface for my feet. I am still going to Vancouver but it’s probably going to be pretty low key since I have a busted foot. I have dog care worked out for that, so I’m glad. But I still have to figure out how to get them out there. It sucks.
I dunno, I don’t know how I’m gonna stop being depressed. I guess it will go away as I am able to do more things. But it’s kind of horrifying to be stuck at home like this. Tomorrow I get to go to work out of town, and I won’t have to be on my feet, I get to sit down, I think it will be fine, and I’m looking forward to going somewhere else.
I remember when my grandparents were old, like old old, before they died, and I would go visit them all the time, and I remember thinking how hard that would be to be stuck in your apartment like that. Like they had the other care home residents to visit. But mostly they stayed in their room. I thought about other seniors there who didn’t get visitors, and how lonely that would be. Oh man. I’m terrified when I’m old I’m gonna be one of those forgotten elderly people. It kind of feels like that now, although really I HAVE had more visitors than I normally have. We had band practice this week and they came over and helped me with stuff. My friend Riki came by today. My friend Terri came when I was stuck on a gurney waiting for the doctor at St. Mike’s. Like I’m not ALL ALONE. It just feels like it sometimes. I’m still getting interesting invitations to other places in the future, when this foot is better and life is back to normal. Like, things are going to be fine. It just sucks right now.

CRACK!

Soooo, I was going to the store last night, for near beers, I was just bored of what I had to drink at home. The light is burned out in my stairwell. I put in a work order last week for the light to get replaced, but no one had come to do it. Anyway, I stepped on something that shouldn’t have been there, that I couldn’t see because it was too dark. And my foot rolled and there was an awful CRACK noise. It hurt so bad omg. I just kind of sat there gasping and in pain and tried to see if it was bad enough I needed to go back to the couch. And how would I get there? OMG. I kind of hopped back to the couch and lay there and cried for a while. I called my Mom but she was not helpful. I called the Healthline and they couldn’t have someone call me back for two and a half hours. So I just sat there waiting and talking about my pain on Facebook. I was too terrified to try and move on it. The nurse called back and got me to stand on it, it seemed… well not okay, but not as bad as I thought. She couldn’t say it wasn’t broken though and said I should see a doctor within 24 hours. So I asked if I should go to the hospital, she said it didn’t make sense to go this late at night and wait for hours and I could sleep and go tomorrow. So I did. I had some scary moments trying to get around my apartment on one leg. I nearly fell over a bunch of times. I hurt my foot a few times. Ugh god. My friend Riki came by after midnight with an ace bandage, Tylenol, an ice pack, and some chocolate. So I wrapped my foot and went to bed.

In the morning I washed myself as best as I could, put on some clothes, and made my way to the bottom of the stairs and out the front door, basically slithering down on my butt. I got outside and locked it behind me and called the ambulance. Some paramedics came and took me to St. Mike’s and I found out it was a 5th Metatarsal Fracture. Basically when my foot rolled, a tendon pulled a piece of my bone away. There are a few kinds of 5th metatarsal fractures you can get, and mine is an avulsion which is not as serious as the others. It still sucks tho, and it’s still a 12 week recovery period. They gave me a walking boot that looks like something from Robocop, and a pair of crutches. My friend Terri also came and sat with me in Emergency for a while and got me some magazines, food, and a drink. So that was nice. I’m not totally sure how long I need the crutches, I think it might be that at a certain point I’ll just need the boot. Right now it’s not doing well with weight on it. It doesn’t like me stepping a certain way either.

I think it didn’t sink in until I got home, how helpless I am at the moment. I still need the co-op to come and replace the lightbulb in the stairwell. I’m cabbing it for a while. My friend is bringing me dog food tomorrow, because the pups are out. My other friend is gonna do my laundry. I have to do the sheets and towels and my clothes. I had to give up my L7 ticket, which really sucked because it’s General Admission and I have a hard time doing those shows even when my foot isn’t broken. I found a place to order groceries from, which is really helpful, they come on Wednesday. I’m gonna have to get my pharmacy to deliver some medications in a while, which also sucks but ok I can deal with that. I’m worried mostly about errands I have to do, I can get some help with them which is good. But such a drag. I hate asking for help. I am happy people CAN help, but also it sucks. I have this real need to be independent, so coming to terms with my dependence on services and friends is hard.

Mostly it’s weird realizing my mobility issues have totally changed. I live on the second floor of a co-op, and there’s no elevator, my steps go right down to my front door on the first floor. And there are stairs AFTER THAT. I often wondered what would happen if I had mobility problems, now I know. The stairs aren’t AS BAD as I thought they would be, I have a railing. But ugh. It sucks. And all because I couldn’t replace the broken lightbulb in my stairwell. I mean, I knew it was bad when it went out. Because it’s at the top of a flight of stairs. I could fall down and seriously injure myself replacing it. Tomorrow I have to get in touch with my co-op guy and tell them I broke my foot because I have no light in my stairwell and I really need the maintenance guy to come fix it already. Ugh so annoying.

Anyway, it’s gonna fuck up my life for several weeks. It will keep improving though. And it’s not gonna suck forever. And someday I’ll be able to do my laundry and buy groceries again. But man, what a drag.

The good news is I signed up for Health and Life Insurance in April and I am getting a $3000 broken bone benefit. So thank god for that! I’m putting it in my Egg Freezing piggybank for my second cycle.

Let’s Get Cracking!

So, I had my fertility clinic appointment a couple of days ago! It was intense! Ultrasound, they asked when my last period was and then I had to explain my situation (no periods), then the doctor met with me and got a medical and family history. He also asked about my last period and I had to go over it again. Then I got an exam, sort of general look over (heart and lungs) and then a pelvic exam and stuff. And then we went back to his office and he gave me the run down on egg freezing, embryo freezing, the stats on how many eggs retrieved vs. how many eggs end up being useful vs. how many eggs actually fertilize vs. how many embryos have no genetic abnormalities and then finally the very very very few/one embryo left from a cycle that can get implanted, and the risks that might not work either. Oh man! And because I’m 40, the chances of genetic abnormalities goes up. So it’s really like, slim chances, BUT still more of a chance of having a baby than not doing anything. Anyway, looks like I will need to do a couple of cycles. Which is more money. The second cycle is discounted though, which is nice. He said he could find me a surrogate when I am ready, it’s expensive though, $40,000. That’s like, a lot of money. I’ve seen surrogates in the States costing about $100,000 though which is bananas. It’s definitely something I am going to have to figure out in the next couple of years.

Making a baby is expensive, at least doing it this way. I got blood tests at the end of it all, one of them is going to find out what a hormone level is that will determine where my fertility is. They were able to count my follicles in my ovaries, which was helpful. I checked the number online and it’s somewhat low, but not like, horribly low. Like it’s still reasonable. But still, it’s now or never really on the egg freezing. They told me to come in on a convenient day. It’s 9-11 days worth of shots from what is normally the second day of your period. But since I don’t have periods we have to check where I am in my cycle another way. Then I go in basically every day for monitoring and hormone injections, and then they retrieve eggs. They said they do it with “conscious sedation” so I won’t remember anything. That still makes me worry I’m gonna be aware when it happens. I really hope it doesn’t hurt a lot.

I’m getting worried my finances won’t hold up for all of this. They will hold up for a while, but I’m also going for a trip to Australia in November, and I’m getting Invisaligns at the end of the month and have to pay for half of that. I dunno! It’s really nerve wracking to know I have to do this expensive thing that is so time sensitive and also a total gamble and in the end I might have to adopt anyway. Like what if it’s just throwing my money away? On the other hand, ANYONE doing fertility stuff has to wonder about that. If I could pay more I could freeze embryos and have a better idea of how many are viable. It’s really dodgy. BUT ALSO they know what they are doing.

I wish I was getting an award this year. That would help. OH I kind of am. Except I’m using it to live on. I dunno, I did my budget and I seem to have enough if I don’t go wild buying shit I don’t need. I really need to sit down and do some math again. Like, how much will Australia cost? How much will Invisaligns cost? How much will 2 cycles of egg freezing cost? How much do I need to live a month?

At least it’s tax deductible. At least, I am pretty sure it is. I seem to have made a lot of money this year. I wish more of it was covered. It would be more affordable then.

Crushing Technology

I’m about a week away from my Fertility Clinic appointment. I need to read my email from the office again and remember all the things I need to bring and do, like have a full bladder, etc. I’m nervous, I really want it to go well. I want to find out I have a good chance of getting some eggs. I want it to not cost a horribly huge amount of money. Ahhh geez. Assisted reproduction is so pricey. Some of it is funded. But also the Ontario Government is getting ruthless with cuts and already took away school repair money. So it’s a bit like, wanting to not be noticed by the evil in charge ha ha aww.

Anyway, I got my script done, at least this draft. I need to do another draft by the end of summer. My hand is shaking right now I don’t know what that’s about. Stress? Ha ha beats me.

I recently talked with someone from a university I applied to five years ago that I got waitlisted for and ultimately didn’t get into. He seems really disappointed that they missed having me in their school. There was a moment when it seemed like there was no record of my application, but they found it this morning. But it did make me briefly wonder if they had lost my application altogether. They didn’t.

But there was this few hours yesterday when I was thinking about what would have happened if I got into that program and that school. I would have been in Toronto a year earlier. I wouldn’t have Posey, which would be sad. I would have met different people sooner. I dunno, it sent me in a bit of a spiral of imagining an alternate timeline and all the things that would have been different. It made me think a lot about Destiny and outside forces and the forks in the road that we all come to.

I remember that university told me to reapply if I didn’t get off the waitlist. And I didn’t, I didn’t reapply or get off the waitlist. I was just so fed up with them, they didn’t tell me my decision until I called, like it wasn’t on the website or in a letter. I felt it reflected badly on the university that they were so cavalier with my application that I had to call to find out anything way past the time people were getting decision letters. So yeah I applied to Ryerson the next year and got in and that’s basically that. I don’t want to go back and get another masters degree. Or a PhD. And I think things worked out ultimately in my favour in other ways.

It reminds me of my near death experiences. I have almost died a few times, like brushes with death, not like being hospitalized. Like being mysteriously saved before potential fatal injuries. Like nearly getting hit by cars, or falling from a height, or things like that. Just these events that leave my heart pounding and I get weak after and am like “Wow that was close.” But I didn’t die. And I’ve sometimes wondered if it keeps happening for a reason, that I don’t die or get physically disabled. I don’t know, that probably sounds shitty because it makes it sound like people who DO die, die for a reason. But yeah, Destiny is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.

Anyway, I got a blender today with Crushing Technology! I think I got it because it had Crushing on the box and I’m trying to use it to make crushed chokecherries. A noble purpose! I guess I oughta fry up some bannock with that too.

BUT Before all of that, I am going to boxing tonight. I am also getting an Industrial piercing fixed this Friday! SO EXCITED! I’m gonna look cute!

Anyway, guess I should get ready for boxing. Who knows what destiny has in store for me???