Monthly Archives: June 2022

Just Awkward Sometimes

I’m trying to write here a bit more often, instead of writing long tweets or long facebook posts. Mostly because I like being here cause it seems like no one reads it sometimes. Or like, that is what I imagine to make this all feel safer.

My dog went to her sitter today, so that was sad, she was so happy to see her sitter and didn’t even care that I was still standing there and I felt like omg my dog doesn’t need me! 😭 She does need me though. But yeah, I guess that’s better than her looking distressed!

I’m going back to Saskatchewan for a couple of weeks. There’s my family to visit and some friends and things like that. And also I just feel more grounded when I’m on the land there. I am torn about what to bring, if I should bring a bunch of prime lenses or just try to cruise by on one or two lenses. I don’t want to bring all my gear cause I just don’t see myself making something that requires all of that. And then my audio gear, I should bring something right? I like recording Saskatchewan ambience for whatever purposes. Like thunderstorms and bird calls specific to that area. I probably can’t bring the blimp and deadcat because that’s just too big. I should have got it a pelican case. I was like “NOOOO I don’t need a big pelican case for my blimp! It can stay in this flimsy cardboard box!” A fool!

Anyway. For sure I am bringing my camera and a lens. Because I found out where my Great Grandpa’s buffalo horn chair is being kept, and we got a time when we can go see it! We have to drive there. It might be moved to a different day because of an emergency, but we’ll find out soon! If not, we see it on Thursday! And I am gonna try and get some photos and footage of it. I doubt we can touch it. But to see it will be nice. It would be amazing to get to sit in it but I’m not gonna be torn up about it if we can’t. This chair was one of the things he made to sell to settlers to provide for his family.

I’m starting to realize in regards to my life and career that if I work my ass off for the next while, like the rest of the year, I could make a lot of money. I mean probably next year too. And the year after that. And… But seriously, I feel like I’m operating at 30% and if I can get it to at least 90% I could accomplish a lot of things. I have these amazing opportunities for various projects and I really need to see them through. It’s an energy issue, I get so fatigued so easily. But I think it’s because I don’t feed myself properly. If I had more proteins for breakfast and lunch that would help. I mean it’s really silly having a human body like “food makes body move yay” it’s so basic. Give myself food and water and sleep those are not unreasonable requests. But I forget to have breakfast, or try to pretend coffee is a breakfast food. And I’m bad about water, I forget to hydrate all the time. And sleep!? Pfft. I CAN sleep really well but also I have sleepless nights where I think of all the ways I was wronged, WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY. Or all the terrible things I did. Or getting into mega trouble with the law or something, I dunno, being put in the stocks in front of the art world or something. And not in a fun way!

I’ve been consistently testing negative for COVID 19 in every single COVID test I have done this entire pandemic. It’s kinda weird. I was in a situation not too long ago where I was in a room with a lot of unmasked people (and I was unmasked because I was eating) and I was thinking “OH SHIT if I get COVID it’s gonna be here! I just know it!”

Nope. Still not COVID, no symptoms, nothing.

I don’t get it. So many people I know have gotten it. I know some people say I could have gotten it and been asymptomatic so I didn’t test. I don’t know. I just know I haven’t even had a cold this entire time. Not since the bad cold I had when I got back from Berlin when the pandemic was hitting. It could have been COVID I guess. But haven’t been sick since then. I’ve been on airplanes with unmasked people. I’ve been in busy restaurants. I’ve been in movie theatres. I’ve been at concerts. I don’t think my experience is universal though, I’m aware it’s kind of an anomaly. There are others who never got it. But yeah, I really just wish there was a test I could do that could tell me I’m really truly vaccinated enough to not worry about it anymore. I’ve had four shots. I’ve been on top of getting my shots as soon as possible. I mask when I’m not eating. I don’t know. I’ve been directly exposed to COVID (unmasked to boot!) because people have contacted me to tell me they tested positive the day after seeing me or things like that, and yet still I’ve never gotten it.

So honestly my comfort with COVID risks is higher than most people, but I think it’s because I haven’t gotten it yet. YET. It could still happen. I still bring masks with me places and all that tho, like the mask mandates here are gone but I still wear them into stores and stuff. I don’t know. I did not foresee the pandemic lasting this long.

I’ve been doing a solitary post mortem on my last relationship (and a few other relationships really) and I’m regretting how much of myself I held back from partners or potential partners. I mean maybe people think I just overshare with everyone, but I don’t really put my vulnerabilities out there with partners. I mean even the fact that weeks/months will go by with me knowing perfectly well that I’m in genuine love with someone, I find it very hard to actually say the words until it’s over.

I had this really hard therapy session a year ago or something where I talked about all the trauma I had from my hospitalization in Montreal, and I was like, crying a lot about it and trying to explain how terrifying it is to be in four point restraints, and I think it was the first time I’d really been able to process it with someone. And then she said “You need to be talking about this, this is what is going to bring in your future partner.” But then when I tell that story to someone I’m dating, I chop out all the emotions from it and usually just say something like “I can’t do bondage yet because I was in a hospital in four point restraints.” But that’s kind of a bloodless explanation of what happened. I don’t know, I seem like a vulnerable person to outsiders, but in relationships I’m always guarding my history.

Because I don’t want people judging me for how poor I grew up, or because of what intergenerational trauma does to families, and probably also because I date a lot of settlers and I just… ugh. Dating settlers is hard. I don’t hate them or anything, it’s just awkward sometimes.

It’s lost to the sands of time

I got a binder so I wore it a few times during a week and really liked it and then my boob hurt, and so I stopped wearing it. But my boob got infected, and then I had to go to the breast centre to get it aspirated. It turns out inverted nipples are more likely to get bacterial infections. What a fucking drag. I always knew those nipples were sus!

Anyway, I’m on antibiotics now. I was on different ones before and now new ones and I have to see the boob doctor again on Thursday.

I really liked having a flat chest tho, and I mean obviously it has to heal but I’m not even sure if I should bind with these nipples of mine. Not if this will be a recurring issue. Cause mastitis fucking SUCKS.

It really confirms that I should get top surgery though, because I don’t really want to walk around with boobs forever. I mean I never had issues with them before, they always seemed like such friendly easy going guys. BUT NO turns out not so. Plus it would just be safer for me to not have them so I don’t get clocked so easy by passing strangers. Obviously I am open about being trans and probably can’t go stealth anyway cause I’m more high profile. But like, yeah, when I’m in a store I don’t want someone I’ve never met to know about me that easily. It’s gonna be a while tho.

In other news… I am very tired of having a broken heart. Like, SO TIRED. I know healing is just a process and blah blah but fuck. I’m dating people again and like, trying to put myself out there. But honestly I’d just prefer to lay on my couch and cry. And I’m trying to get all my crying in this month before I go on T because I hear it’s harder to cry. And being a super emotional person, crying is honestly like, relieving for me. Like I can’t do it in front of anyone but my therapist. But even alone I cry frequently even before I got this broken heart. So anyway, if crying is what is gonna get me over this broken heart, then I want to get as much in as possible before it’s harder.

I’m otherwise fine. Work is busy but when isn’t it busy? I need to catch up on some things. I really want to travel again. I know I went on a trip literally only two months ago BUT I MISS IT! I mean I wouldn’t go to New Orleans again this year. But like, New York would be nice. For like a real visit not just an overnight. And that’s pretty close.

I’m also starting to see my calendar fill up with work trips including my residency in Vienna at the end of the year and it’s A LOT!

I sometimes feel like I have too many balls in the air, like I’m just fucking up with keeping on top of my practice. I know if I had someone helping me with admin I would have, like, almost twice as much time to actually create again. And THAT would be so nice.

There were some people talking to me about helping me substantially upgrade my art career. Ever since I talked to them I’ve been trying to think of things that would actually help me. Admin for sure. Maybe an agent. Some representation by a gallery or something. I have video distributors but that only goes so far.

And then also just cash flow problems suck. Like people who promise thousands of dollars and then it doesn’t come FOR AGES!

I was supposed to get paid by a university I did work with, but they sent me like six forms to fill out and I got overwhelmed and closed the email and then I forgot which university it was with. All I know is it was an American university and I mean how many fucking American universities are there? The answer: A LOT! And I work with a lot of different ones so like I don’t know where it is in my email anymore. It’s lost to the sands of time. All I can hope is at the end of the fiscal year an accountant asks why they still have these hundreds of dollars.

And there’s other confidential issues in my career and fuck it’s just annoying. Like I can’t bitch about it or no one will want to work with me anymore.

Also I am having anxiety about how my career is going to weather me coming out as a trans man. I mean I’ve been working on a script for years about violence against Indigenous women and even tho I have an extensive lived history with misogyny against Indigenous women I’m worried someone will tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about or I don’t have a right to tell this story because now I’m a man. And then just worrying about all the times I’ve been slotted in the women’s programs and like maybe there’s no space for me in the mainstream programs, or maybe suddenly I will only get my work seen in the trans programs. And what if I don’t want to make work about being trans all the time what if I want to explore other things too? OR what if I do want to make work about being trans all the time and people just find it unrelatable and don’t show me as much?

I had a conversation recently with someone close to me and it was SO CRINGEY the way she was talking about trans issues and also probably she was a bit drunk when she called and ugh.

I mean I think I’m gonna start asking cis people what their genitals look like more often, since they seem very interested in what gender is in my pants when I think it’s actually in my soul. Maybe not. Maybe only when I am annoyed. It’s just been very clunky experiences talking to the cis people in my life these days. I saw this meme a long time ago with like two philosophers talking and it’s like “When trans people talk about gender” and then this photo of a little kid with different shapes and a teacher helping them and it’s like “When cis people talk about gender.” AND OMG IT’S TRUE! Like ok lady I don’t have time to give you a reading list of all the things I’ve learned about being trans since I was eighteen, and probably you don’t care either you’re just being an asshole and think this is funny.

Anyway. UGH.

And leaving the lesbian club behind is weird. I love lesbians. But yeah I guess I’m not one. And I don’t really feel like, fully embraced by the gay mens community either yet. It’s just a fucking weird transitional time in my life.

AND my heart is broken! And it doesn’t have anything to do with my gender but like, major heartbreak AND a major life change are two very big things to deal with.

So that’s probably why I feel like I’m not using my time wisely, I’m just processing all of this AND my therapist is on leave. I see my temporary therapist tomorrow and I don’t even know where to start with her. Do I start with falling in love with an emotionally unavailable person? Or do I start with this shift in my gender? I don’t know. I got a tangled ball of thoughts to unpack.