Doctor Appointment

So I saw the doctor on Friday to talk about going on hormones and various related things (birth control and PrEP) and it was such a good appointment. She’s sending me to a Nurse Practitioner who has experience with trans health care and who works for the same family health team, so I just gotta wait until I can see her. I’m hoping they will call tomorrow to give me an appointment. I’m excited! Basically as soon as I see the nurse I can start hormones, like there won’t be a huge wait after that.

It’s so much easier transitioning this time than LAST time. Last time they still wanted people to live as their intended gender for a year and then get hormones. And it’s just a very long time to wait and people kind of pressured/bullied me not to. But this time, I feel good about it, and I feel good that my doctor trusts that I know what I want, and I feel more like I can do what I want to do with myself.

I did have a weird phone call with a relative. And cis people are also super good at putting their feet in their mouths and not noticing that they are being problematic, so there’s some of that with cis het friends. But a lot of my friends are also trans men and non binary people, so I’m not feeling alone. I do still look like a girl I guess ha ha only because I still like having my nails painted. But I’m hoping when my face masculinizes some of that will go away, I mean I hope I still like painting my nails but I hope looking and sounding more like a dude will help.

I went to boxing class in the park today and it was SO FUN! I got my ass kicked though, it’s a two hour class and has cardio and ab exercises before you do boxing exercises AND THEN on the way home I had to walk (it’s very close by!) but to get home you have to walk up this LONG HILL that has THE LONGEST STAIRS. And they are a bit older so a little steep. By the time I got home my knees hurt and my legs were wobbly. BUT it was still such a good class. And Savoy, the coach, said I felt solid when she touched my shoulders to move me to show me how to throw a punch. So that was really nice!

I think I might get into weights again. I haven’t used my dumbbells barely at all this year.

It will also probably be more impressive when I can actually build serious muscle after getting on T.

I was going to go to the beach today but fuck that class wiped me out!

Tomorrow I go to the lab to get an STI panel done, which I haven’t done in a while. I don’t think I’ve had sex since my last one tho. But now that I am going on PrEP I have to do these every few months. I hope I start having more sex ha ha ha ha!

I’m in a weird place about dating. Like I WANT to be dating and meeting people and kissing folks. But also I am anxious about the way my body will change in the next year and feeling like someone’s attraction to me is going to wane as I get more obviously like a man. And I just don’t want to be with people who aren’t enthusiastic about me and my body and the person I am becoming. BUT ALSO I am gonna get a t-cock and I definitely want to find someone who wants to play with me and my changing body. It’s complicated. Also I just don’t want to fall in love with one more person who doesn’t have the capacity to love me back. Cause I’ve been doing that a lot. Like I want to have sexy fun but I also don’t want my heart to get crushed.

But also my sexuality is way more open now. I am finding a greater variety of people to be sexy and thinking I’d like to kiss them. Which is why I’m going on PrEP. Not straight guys tho ha ha but like everybody else is pretty sexy. So I dunno.

I’m going to try and write here a bit more frequently to talk about my feelings around this.

I did have a lot of memories of the last time when I wanted to transition but was also manic. Maybe I was afraid it would be the same this time. But I can tell I’m not manic. I’m so calm. And I’m not talking rapidly, and I can sleep well. My mind’s not even racing. It’s good. This feels like a healthy stable place to transition from. Plus financially I am way more stable, and I don’t have to deal with an employer for my money.

It has been kinda awkward announcing it all at once. But also I’m a bit more of a public figure and I just wanted to get it over with. And I DID!

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