Monthly Archives: April 2022

Allygators

I just got back from New Orleans last night. It was my first vacation in a REALLY long time. Like, I literally just did whatever I wanted and saw tons of things and was a tourist for nine days. Or eight? I don’t remember. And I met up with someone down there who showed me all kinds of things. Including a swamp tour where we saw alligators!

An alligator sunning itself
This alligator was on the swamp tour!

To lure alligators to the tour boats, they toss marshmallows in the water. It was honestly so cute. The alligators eat them because they just look like big white blobs, and alligators can only see in black and white. I never knew that was how they engaged with alligators in the wild. Most of the ones we saw were about 4 to 6 years old so not HUGE but still like, I wouldn’t stick my hand in there. But the tour guides do! They try to lift up alligator heads, but mostly the alligators are kinda like “Fuck off! Where are the marshmallows?!” and pull away.

I also wanted to try eating alligator so I had it a couple times, once fried alligator tail bites, and the other was an alligator sausage that was cut up and put on a stick and deep fried. They were great! They taste like chicken. So that means dinosaurs tasted like chicken. It’s fascinating!

New Orleans was a pretty magical city. And like, such deep complex traumatic history. I tried to be really respectful of spirits who live there. I did go on a ghost and vampire tour. There’s real vampires there that drink blood and “donors” who help by giving blood! It’s just like my video game!!! I was just like shit I fuckin’ knew it! The ghosts sounded interesting too but not like anything I would feel comfortable experiencing.

I was staying in an Airbnb and I was worried about ghosts but it wasn’t ghosts that were in there, there were two of the fucking hugest cockroaches I’d ever seen instead. And like, the size of my thumb!!! My thumb is small, but still that’s not a size of bug I’m comfortable with. My friend kept calling them palmetto bugs tho ha ha.

I also went on a whirlwind 24 hours to New York City JUST to see Cate Blanchett get the Chaplin Award. She was amazing. I was in awe. And it was almost my birthday, so that night I went to sleep happy and woke up 44 years old. I didn’t get to see Todd Haynes tho because he got COVID the morning of the event, and Bradley Cooper wasn’t there either. But Christine Vachon presented the award and I’m a fan of her too!

I got approached by a curator at a major gallery that I’ve wanted to show in for ages. I’m not sure what will happen but it’s exciting, I hope it develops into an awesome opportunity.

WHAT ELSE?

I tried to be as careful as I could on my trip. It wasn’t so hard. I wore KN95’s almost every time I was inside everywhere. I took it off to eat. If there was a good open draft or breeze I let my guard down. I did eat pretzels on the planes, and Americans were just like, no-masking it everywhere. I was honestly shocked at their recklessness. I didn’t take a lot of selfies because I look less cute with a mask. BUT it was honestly not too bad doing harm reduction by masking as much as possible. I was concerned I might have gotten it anyway. But no symptoms, and today I tested again for the first time since I got back and the test was negative. I’m gonna do another test in a few days. But I feel fine.

If I was able to have an amazing adventure AND not get COVID, I am going to keep taking carefully mitigated risks, because this was so fun and also I don’t want to live on my couch alone forever. But yeah! ADVENTURE!

Weed Roulette

So therapy is going well. Sometimes I feel like I’m just flailing around in my own mess of a life and she’s watching me and being supportive, but sometimes I have great insights and she reframes something that helps me think of things differently.

Anyway, I was telling her about smoking weed, because that is happening again, and she got concerned because that’s a different level of sobriety than I was doing before. And I think I tried to justify it or something but later on she was telling me how I don’t have to do that. I can do something and not have a reason for it besides liking it. So I’m trying to be like ok yeah I was sober from weed before and now I’m not because I like smoking weed and it makes me feel better.

It’s funny cause I really do have to mostly stick to Mango Haze which has a lot of CBD in it but also THC but even then it’s not a super disabling type of weed cause it’s a sativa. Anyway I guess what I am saying is I’m still trying to be responsible and not turn into a slacker or something because I’m using weed again. Like get my work done and you know for the most part I HAVE been getting my work done. And the times I can tell my brain is mushy has less to do with me being buzzed and more to do with me having forgotten my Vyvanse that morning. Which unfortunately happens and makes me a rambly talker on panels and what have you, so I try to remember when I can.

ANYWAY yeah therapy is great, cause she also said you know I don’t have to justify other things either, like taking a vacation and that kind of thing. I can just stand in my integrity and be like “yeah that’s what I did because I made that decision.” I don’t need to give anyone a reason for anything really.

I made what I thought was a bad decision to write about my feelings to an ex. But now I’m thinking it wasn’t a bad decision so much as a bad but not entirely unexpected outcome.

I’m kind of not sure how I feel about dating right now just cause I felt really burned by my last romance or whatever. And not that they are a bad person it was just messy and painful for me. But I don’t know how much space I have in my heart right now for anyone. Which sucks because it’s spring time and people are horny and I’m definitely getting flirted with by other people. But like, yeah, I just don’t know if I can trust someone right now. I don’t even know if I can trust myself because I saw my last romance SO DIFFERENTLY than the other person involved saw it. I mean there’s an entire summer still to come also, lots could happen.

HA HA Oh right so the weed roulette thing was because I mostly smoke Mango Haze cause I know what to expect from it (and it stops my knees from hurting) but I’m also super into joints so sometimes I’ll roll up like, three joints so I don’t have to roll again for a while. And sometimes one joint will fall into a mess of things or whatever and when I clean up I find it again. BUT sometimes I’m not smoking Mango Haze, I’m smoking something stronger. So now when I find these lost joints, I don’t know what’s in them. And I have to decide if I can risk it or if I should roll more Mango Haze to be safe.

I came to write here because I am behind on a writing project due today. So this is my warm up writing really. I like writing here because it’s so low pressure, no one pays me to say anything here. I can talk about masturbating for an entire entry if I want. Not today tho!