Monthly Archives: December 2021

That’s a lot of time outside of Canada

I counted up just the for sure international travel dates for 2022 and I’m basically away for almost three months of the whole year. I gotta figure out what to do with Posey since 2 months is one solid block in Vienna at the end of the year. Who is gonna watch her for two months? What if I bring her with me? Oh man.

I still have plane tickets for Berlin in February, and a couple tickets to Tori Amos. I really hope the Berlinale happens this year, because otherwise am I just going for Tori Amos?

Since I’m in the Berlinale I got to apply to Telefilm for travel funds. But I had to use my corporation. So that was a whole thing. I needed to open a business bank account, so I did but it doesn’t have a card I can use outside Canada. So that’s ironic. Anyway they were really rushing through the grant because I think they can tell there’s gonna be a rule against travel. So I know I didn’t make the cut off of Telefilm before the Christmas holidays for my direct deposit form. But hopefully that doesn’t make a difference, they already marked my application as recommended.

Ha ha what a boring paragraph.

I don’t have much, I’m being somewhat secretive these days. Not like I have huge secrets. I just feel more private these days. I do like writing these posts tho. It’s kind of healing I guess.

I’m knitting again. I finally got the hang of it and the knitting is more even, its meant to be a rib stitch but it’s all messed up. But I am trying to keep up the integrity of the messed-up-ness and give it some sense of reason. It looks pretty funny in the initial rounds tho, cause I couldn’t tell the difference between a knit and a pearl stitch. I’d taken a while off from knitting before this project. Like, a couple of years. And now I’m doing a dog sweater on double pointed needles. So yeah, maybe I should have done a scarf to ease back into it. Scarves take so long though.

I still have this red marino wool scarf for a future girlfriend that has never been worn by anyone else but me. I was doing some kind of girlfriend manifesting spell or something so I thought “If I knit this scarf it will bring a girlfriend into my life!” Which was fine, BUT the girlfriends I had after making it were not deserving of the Future Girlfriend scarf. And not like they were bad people, it’s just that they were not with me for very long. And then the last person I dated lives in California so there’s not a reason for them to get the scarf either.

That’s kinda good though because I need the scarf this year since I left mine in my mom’s car in Saskatoon.

I should do mittens too, I know how to do them. They are pretty easy actually.

Maybe I am my own future girlfriend only I’m not a girl.

Um what else? I haven’t talked to my friends much these days because my Mom is around visiting and then it’s just awkward to talk to friends when your mom is listening. She’s staying in a bnb down the street which is why I am finally writing here.

OH WAIT! I did have something I wanted to talk about.

So in 1992 around this time of year, I was starting to question my sexuality. As in, I knew I was super curious about lesbians and I knew women made me feel some kind of way. And I read an article in Sassy magazine about this teenage lesbian and just like, I think it was called “It happened to me” and it was lez positive but all I remember is being surprised that teenagers could be lesbians. Because I was 14, and as you can imagine I was really getting ready to not fake having crushes on boys anymore. And then on New Years Eve I hugged someone and got a MASSIVE crush, like so huge, I had to go sit on the couch and take in the fact that I was A LESBIAN. I mean I know the gender stuff makes it complicated now but also this was only 1993. Like, a minute into 1993.

So there’s something kind of magical I always recognize around this time of year in terms of the first time I fell in gay love. It wasn’t reciprocated. But it was a feeling that I hadn’t had before. And I’ve felt it a bunch of times since then. But this was like, identity defining love.

Anyway. I’m so glad things are somewhat easier for gay teens. Like, just having the internet could have been so radically different for me. On the other hand I did seek out and find queer youth groups and got involved in my community. In a lot of ways being queer made my life way more awesome, besides the actually dating other queers stuff. Like even my career wouldn’t have taken off in the same way if I was straight. Maybe it would have been more accepted though. But overall I’m glad to be a lesbian now.

A rainbow in a palm
Rainbow in a palm

🧑🏼‍🦳 I AM OLD and trying CBD OIL

So I’ve been hobbling up and down the stairs like a rusty Tin Man for a few months, I did get x-rayed a while back and pretty much have arthritis in my knees (and other joints but the knees bother me the most). SO I decided today to finally order some CBD Oil.

I have reservations about this decision and didn’t come to it lightly.

FOR ONE THING I have detailed on here for a long time about how I was a super chronic burn out for years. And how I got sober in 2012, and my life turned around for me. Etc. Etc. In GOOD WAYS. And I’m not wanting to throw that away. BUT I also don’t want to be in pain forever. And it would be nice to go up and down stairs easier again instead of walking down like a small toddler afraid of falling because one knee won’t bend or whatever.

I am thinking since it’s gonna be mainly CBD and very trace amounts of THC I shouldn’t get all ripped off it or anything. And because I’m taking the oil and not smoking a bunch of joints, it shouldn’t trigger the same feelings psychologically that I got from wake and baking for years. I’m gonna make a specific point NOT to get actual joints, or to vape, or to do edibles etc or any of the higher THC content products. And I never took oil to get high during my prime stoner years. So I think it will work out.

If not I will stop. If it starts going sideways I will stop. I know it’s hard for addicts to stop but I think I will try to make some parameters where if I start doing certain danger sign activities (like buying flower weed, or edibles, or seeking highs) I will quit.

And I also know based on when my adhd meds mixed with some cold medication that I HATE being in an altered state now. It’s just the worst feeling for me. So hopefully I can keep myself safe based on that.

Anyway I ordered it from the Ontario weed store website and we’ll see how soon it comes. I am gonna try keeping it to days I don’t have heavy work stuff going on until I know how it affects me. Like, Wednesday I have therapy in the morning and I don’t want to show up accidentally high (especially since it’s our last session until the new year), so I will probably wait until later in the day, after a work thing. It could be fine, it could not have an altering affect on me. Which would be ideal. But yeah, one time I didn’t take my ADHD meds before therapy and she SUPER noticed it because my brain is just kind of pinballing around the universe when my Vyvanse isn’t in my system. Also I know I will be a bit of a lightweight at first so I’m gonna be careful.

ANYWAY what is new with me besides my sad joints?

Well, romantically things kinda veered off course, or maybe on course but like in a more “We are friends” and kind of letting go of planning a specific outcome for this connection that started in August. I’m not gonna get into it much, cause it’s private. But I was always romantically available to others anyway because it was a non-monogamous connection, so in some ways nothing really changed. In other ways I guess we are putting specific things aside that are more date-like. I don’t know what I’m saying. We were dating for a while and now we are visiting but still getting to know each other and I still really like them. I think it’s more like, being friends who are potentially open to more in the future but not making a specific decision about that now. So it’s helping me learn to let go a bit. I know it’s exciting to get into relationships and all that but also a LOT of people know me and I think it can be intimidating to people. Like when I finally mentioned her on Facebook 200 people reacted to it which was kind of a lot.

ANYWAY that seemed like it needed an update just because there was an update about it in the last post here.

I am still working a lot. I tend to post a lot of ridiculous stuff on social media which probably makes me look like I live a life of leisure but trust me I do a lot of work!

Today was a nice day tho cause I just had a work phone meeting this afternoon that went pretty quick. I watched the Director’s Cut of Nightbreed this morning which I hadn’t seen since I was like, a kid. And then I wondered why my Mom let me watch Nightbreed ha ha. I went to get Posey’s special dog food at the pet store (she has to have this fresh pet stuff that is like, shredded chicken with friggen cranberries in it) cause she won’t eat anything else. Then I got myself a subway sandwich and took off my mask when I got outside because I was headed home but my airpod fell out. And then I freaked out trying to find it and had to give up. BUT it fell into my coat and was caught between my shirt and jacket and held by my round tummy. So hurrah for tummies! And then I watched the first episode of Call My Agent! which was pretty cute. I didn’t want to commit to 2 movies in one day today. That’s a lot of movies. But a movie and a tv show is doable.

I’m traveling again next year and excited about it, but trying to hold off on that until February. I just need to stay close to home a little bit. I’m trying to schedule more breathers in regards to my traveling. Because my traveling before the pandemic was not sustainable for myself. I had a girlfriend for two months and was only in the same town as her for one month until the pandemic showed up (and she dumped me) so yeah. NOT SUSTAINABLE! I was getting panicked about if I had children (which is still a very up in the air decision right now) and was constantly traveling, like could I even be a good parent for them? And then the pandemic came and I realized it was so easy for most events I am in to pivot to online. Sooooo I’m gonna try to hang on to some of my stuff being online. It’s a lot better for myself and Posey and the planet!

But yeah traveling sometimes is also nice.

I bought Tori Amos tickets in a city I am traveling to and I really hope all goes as planned. It’s a bit tricky because case counts in that country are going up right now. And I just don’t want my trip to be cancelled, because Tori Amos. I bought two tickets but don’t have a date to come with me. I’m not sure what I will do. Maybe go on Lex and see if someone will be my date? Lol who knows.