Sunshine

I just read some posts here and realized I never told you that Little Mister died in June. I went back home for two weeks to see my Mom and when I came back he was different, not able to stand up one day, and then I had to let him go. It ripped my heart out. I think I’m holding up decently now, but it was a big loss and omg I have to change the subject or I’m gonna cry.

Anyway, I haven’t been here for long (here as in this blog) and I realized I just haven’t written very much this whole year. Like yeah, LONG posts now and then, but not with any consistency. And things have definitely changed since my last post. I am still in therapy, she has been making me look at things I don’t want to look at though. I mean it’s good for me, but like oh man I hate being realistic about life cause I just wish everything could be hopeful and full of promise. And we had some erotic transference in therapy which has totally shifted now but I had an awkward conversation with her about it. I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere and that it’s a common therapy thing but it’s still SO AWKWARD.

My film has been going to festivals and winning awards, which is great. We found out about two more awards recently. I think that brings it up to five awards? I don’t remember. The feature script is still in progress and we are getting some notes. Things are moving. I also found out a webseries I am involved in as a writer might become a tv series if we get the funding for it, and ANOTHER webseries I am involved with is taking a while to get off the ground but I think will turn out well. I co-directed a film with Kiley May this summer that she wrote and also starred in, and we got to use intimacy co-ordinators because it had some sex scenes in it. So now I have directed driving, stunts, pyrotechnics, and sex! My skill set is growing! Anyway that film (Discretion) screens online at ImagineNATIVE tomorrow until Friday morning so if you want to see it please do!

I’m a really public person and it makes life awkward sometimes. I know I’m just like a total tell-all person (or so it seems). But sometimes I worry that pushes people away because they think I will write about their secrets online. And I try really hard NOT to. I mean if I talk about a connection usually I just talk about my side of it, there’s things lovers have told me that I’ve never written about online.

Anyway that is just a preface to say I have met someone who I am super smitten by. And I don’t quite know where it will go but we’ve been having fun getting to know each other and I definitely want to stick around and when I’m around my friends I am privately gushing about how dreamy she is. And I haven’t talked about them on Facebook, because I guess I didn’t want my internet friends getting involved. I do have close friends on my facebook, but also some of them are like, some curator who programmed me in one show six years ago or something. And I have ADHD so I have a poor memory of who some of these people are. That sounds terrible. But you know, fb is such a networking place. I feel sometimes like a bunch of strangers are standing in my living room but I guess cause I’m used to being emotionally naked online it doesn’t bother me so much. BUT that also means I didn’t want to let something so new and fragile be exposed to the elements of Facebook. I don’t want to give a lot of details about it right now because I’m not sure how comfortable she is knowing people might know she exists. Also because all of this is very non-monogamous and there are other partners involved whose toes I don’t want to step on.

But I really really like them. And it would be nice to be a little bit more open about liking someone finally, cause that is a good feeling. I dunno it’s like I feel really protective of her and this connection, but I also recognize that it feels good to get some recognition that you’re important to someone. And also it’s just kinda hard to forever hide that my heart has some sunshine glowing in it right now.

So I guess that’s all I have to write about today. Maybe I can try writing here more often again. I am going to Portugal this week, that seems like a big thing I will have to talk about since it’s my first overseas trip since I went to Berlin in 2020 just when the pandemic was hitting.

Anyway, the sunshine in my heart has been exciting, I don’t know the last time I felt this way.

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