Monthly Archives: July 2021

Working Out Aggression

I got one of those Quiet Play punching bags that you fit in a doorway and go to town on, and did three rounds! It felt pretty amazing except I think I need better cushioned gloves, my old ones were not so great at keeping my fist from feeling like mush at the end. BUT I did it! I’m gonna try and incorporate more boxing workouts in my life again. I feel like I did so much work before the pandemic in boxing class and then the pandemic came and my gym closed and I hadn’t boxed since 2019. I realized I really miss it. It was one of the few exercises I did that I really enjoyed. And like, punching something repeatedly is such a stress reliever. It takes all that pent up aggression and gives it a healthy outlet. I should really box more instead of writing passive aggressive tweets.

But while I was thinking about bringing this exercise back into my life, I was also thinking about the pandemic in general, and the things about myself I have lost that I really miss. I have lost some friends. I have lost someone I was dating and then lost their friendship. I have lost the ability to walk a lot, and gained weight, and I think my confidence is a bit battered too. I’m finally getting back to my prepandemic weight which like, literally no matter how much or how little I exercised before the pandemic I always stuck to. But the pandemic made me rounder and I really wanted to be okay with it but I was so happy with the type of roundness I had before and any time my weight has changed I’ve felt unsettled. Anyway that sounds so fatphobic and is really not something I think a lot about. I’ve injured myself a few times too which made exercising difficult. There’s other things that have changed. I think I’m extremely conscious of other people’s opinion of me, and it comes from being on social media even more than before. I just see people shaming others for decisions they’ve made during the pandemic and that gives me anxiety. But like, I can’t be a perfect person for everyone, that’s just impossible.

There are things I’ve gained too tho, it’s not all bad. Like, I am a bit more confident about making plans with friends, and organizing hang outs. Not giant rocking parties but like my friends and I went to a swimming pool we rented and it was so much fun. Things like that. I am slowly beginning to do more things that I was avoiding before, like eating on patios more often. And being indoors with people. I went to see Zola at the Cineplex recently, alone, and had a good time. And I’m seeing a therapist who has really helped me out a lot and helped me see things about my life differently. And I have managed to NOT have a crush for like, a few months, which is a record for me. I’ve been one of those people who jumped from crush to crush but right now, nothing. That kinda makes me sad now tho cause I’m like omg am I just never going to fall in love again?

I also made a lot of films/videos. Like even just in the last couple of weeks I completed an experimental short, a five channel video installation, the background video for a performance AND THEN did the performance. And gave several notes on cuts of a film I am co-directing that should be done in two weeks. And in January we finished kwêskosîw (She Whistles) which was a HUGE DEAL and is now doing the festival circuit. So I’ve been super busy.

And sometimes I get irritated by having to work all the time. But there honestly are times when I have NO work to do and am fine. And it’s meant I haven’t had to have a day job in a few years, I’m totally a full time artist. I even make so much that I’m no longer on rental subsidy at my co-op. I feel really fortunate that I’ve been able to get to this point in my life.

And then I think too I also feel awkward when people make assumptions about me and my financial situation. Like, a lot of people still treat me like I’m poor, but I make way above the poverty line. And it makes me wonder like is this having an impact on my dating life? Do people think I’m not able to support a family or something? I’ve been super conscious of class issues ever since my income increased and it makes me feel weird, especially since I went through so many years being extremely poor.

When I look back at where I was in my early 30’s, living on welly, drinking and doing drugs, not really going anywhere in my life, I can see why it would have been hard for people to date me. But then I look at where I am now and it still feels hard dating.

I think maybe that’s what bothers me about the pandemic so much. People are so afraid. And I’m not gonna say they shouldn’t be afraid. I am gonna say that I haven’t been kissed since February 2020 and I’m really missing it and I just want to swap spit with someone else who is double vaccinated. I mean I want a relationship too tho. But it just seems like fuck how am I even gonna date when people don’t want to be “risky”? This fucking virus.

And I get it it’s a legit concern. My massage therapist was telling me someone from a hospital she went to said there were 11 people recovering from COVID there who were going to need double lung transplants because their lungs are absolutely massacred from COVID.

But then there’s these fucking dingdongs who refuse to get a vaccine and are stretching out this pandemic and it’s like FUCK YOU get your fucking shots you assholes! I want to get laid!

Anyway obviously I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings about this all. At least now I have a punching bag so I can work them out instead of writing shit.