I paid off my student loans yesterday! It was down to like, $2800, and I just wanted to finish it off already so I paid it off in one lump sum. But there was still this one loan from 2003 that was just over 2000 that said it was in collections. Anyway I went on a kind of roundabout phone search to find the loan so I could rehabilitate it and pay it off too. But eventually I found out from the student loans people that they’d just rolled that debt into the newer loan I’d had, so they were ALL paid off.
I want to celebrate! I can’t drink booze or do drugs. I wish I could have oysters maybe. Or a celebratory spanking. Fuck I don’t know! I didn’t even eat anything particularly delicious today.
It’s not like I had a HUGE loan, but it was still like, $18,000. And it’s paid. IT’S PAID! What do I do now? Save up for a house? All the houses in the neighbourhood I live in cost upwards of one or two million dollars tho so that would be a LONG time of saving. Anyway I have stable co-op housing so I don’t REALLY need to own property right now.
Maybe if there weren’t COVID times going on I would save up for a trip. I could still save up for a trip. A trip way into the future. Maybe I could go somewhere sunny. Maybe I could go to New Zealand finally. I dunno.
Anyway, that’s the big exciting news of right now, besides the fact we finished the short film and that’s done. Now we are submitting the film to festivals. I’m doing other work. I finished my draft of the feature which was a big relief and now it’s gone back to the Story editor for any more notes. It was hanging over my head making me bummed out, so I’m glad it’s done for now.
I ordered a new macbook pro! I actually got Applecare with it this time, because I have learned my lesson. No more getting laptops that turn out to need constant servicing. Or not stuff I have to pony up the money for myself.
I’ve been thinking a lot these days about peer pressure, which probably sounds funny for a 40-something to be thinking about. But I think I’ve been pressured by certain friends about who I should or shouldn’t date. And it’s gotten to the point where I’m actually really quiet about who I would genuinely want to date. I’m just tired of being judged, or people I like being judged. One time I really liked someone and ALL my fucking friends had an opinion about her and it was just honestly the worst, I wish I had just not told any of them about her. And there’s a few people on my radar right now, and one in particular, although I just know if we date people are ALL going to have an opinion about it and my feelings will be second to their shitty ideas of who we are or what it means. And then I also wonder about people I like who have mutual friends with me and I wonder if they are being told shitty things about me. Like, I just don’t think the whole queer community needs to be involved in my relationships.
I was dating someone a couple years ago who told me she didn’t want us to talk about it openly online, and it kind of stung at the time even tho she said it was just because she didn’t want The Internet involved. But now that I think about it more, she kind of had a good point. Why do so many people think their opinions matter in someone else’s relationship?
My last date and I had like, no friends in common, and it was actually really nice. No one told her shitty things about me and no one told me shitty things about her. Oh except one person but they say shitty things about a lot of people. Anyway, yeah.
You know, sometimes I have liked people who my friends have never met and know nothing about AND STILL they have an opinion about them. It’s kind of shocking how confident people can be about their limited knowledge of others.
Ahhh shit I want garlic bread.
Anyway besides thinking about how I don’t want to be peer pressured any more or given terrible unsolicited advice, I am doing good. I have been relaxing more these days. I don’t answer work emails on the weekend anymore, which is nice. but that doesn’t stop people from sending them to me.
Little Mister is blind and deaf, or his senses are very different now anyway. He’s got a good little sniffer tho, he can get around a lot just by using his lil nose. I notice him sniffing the ground more when he is looking for a snack or something. He’s a sweetheart tho.
I went to a shiatsu masseuse to work on my shoulder, but she thought it was actually a nerve issue. So she sent me to a physiotherapist who does dermaneuromodulation. It’s this thing I never heard of but was invented by someone in Saskatoon. Anyway, it involves applying light pressure in different directions on the skin, and it does something to the fascia. She also showed me two exercises to do for physio. She thinks it’s a radial nerve injury, like I overextended my radial nerve. So I’ve been diligently doing these exercises and its making a difference. My body isn’t in such sharp pain so often. And my finger is getting feeling back. And I’m able to lay on my stomach for short periods of time during sleep. And yeah, I don’t have the same sensations in my arm as I used to. So I think it’s improving. I hope I can keep it up, I would like to be healed up.
There was a point where my shoulder/nerve felt so bad that I didn’t even think I could have had sex even if I wanted to. But now I think I could have sex again. Not bondage tho. But like, regular sex.
I’ve been having romantic images or something come into my life. The first was a dream I had that this woman got down on one knee and presented me with a giant pink diamond engagement ring and asked me to marry her and I said yes. And then this weekend I was waking up one morning and could feel someone’s body holding me from behind like the big spoon. I don’t know what is up or why these little premonitions are showing up. I hope it does mean something tho.
Again tho I’m gonna have to protect any new relationships from opinions of my friends. I just cannot start dating or not dating people because of other people’s opinions of me or them.