Monthly Archives: February 2021

She lived her life like a candle in the wind

Well, what is new? Ahhh, not a lot. I have been growing amaryllises this winter, one fell over and died which was sad cause it was so gorgeous. It lived it’s life like a candle in the wind! Ha ha aww remember when Elton John kept dedicating that song to various people who died young? It was getting to be a bit much. Like first it was Ryan White, which was really sweet, then suddenly Princess Di died and it was HER song. And then I think he dedicated it to someone else after that. Just slutty with the song dedications.To be fair it’s not like there’s a rule only one person can have that song.

I watched It’s A Sin last night and today and cried like a baby. I’ve been crying a lot anyway these days because I’m finally working through some emotions I was putting off because I was busy Surviving A Pandemic. And anyway, it was kind of nice to cry about something that WASN’T about me or some lady I missed. I think too it really struck me, now as a nearly 43 year old, that these people were youth. Like, so young. I guess something about being so young when the AIDS epidemic struck in the 80’s made me kind of think of the people dying as like, fully adult people. And I mean in this series yeah they are technically adults but also still 20 somethings. And I just thought about what I was doing in my 20’s and how I was still figuring myself out, and imagining that AND this mysterious pandemic unfolding. It’s kinda weird to realize even though I was born before HIV and AIDS was really hitting the scene, I still grew up with it.

Once I saw this astrologer who said since I was born in the space after the pill was invented and before HIV hit, I had this aspect in my chart that would make me be extremely sexually free at random moments in my life. Like not always, but definitely I do see times in my life where I’m way more active than other times. It’s because Uranus was in Scorpio at that time, and Uranus is a generational planet, so it kind of applies to a lot of people born around the same time as me. Like between 1975 and 1980 or something.

I found out recently about a really intense play party I secretly wanted to go to but didn’t attend because I was nervous about it. But this person I’ve been talking to happened to go to it once and told me how it went down, and now I kinda wish I had gone. Because all the things I was worried about were very much non-issues in the end. Anyway, I don’t even know when I will be able to go to a play party again. I’m still doing kink events when I can. Mostly on Zoom.

I did a speed dating event for 2 Spirit people recently, mostly I talked to Americans, but they were really interesting to talk to. I also went to a kinky lunar new year event, which was mostly watching performances. I am gonna go to a discussion group about flogging tomorrow. I dunno, just trying to keep myself out there. I have been talking to someone recently which was potentially a date thing. Not sure how that will turn out but it’s been nice getting to know someone.

I’m not sure how I feel about this pandemic hitting at this particular time in my life. Some people are pointing out that this is really hard for elderly people because it’s like, their last two years on earth might be them being totally isolated. Other people point out that this is really hard for children, because of developmental phases and all of that. I think for myself it’s really disappointing because I had such an extended celibacy in my 30s, and then started having sex with people again and getting dates, and then the pandemic hit and I got dumped and dating just really hasn’t been much of a thing since this started. A friend of mine told our other friend that if someone asked her why she didn’t have kids in the future she was going to point to this pandemic and say it’s because her last childbearing years had a pandemic going on. It’s really awful.

I do feel weird about the kid thing. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have kids. I’m wondering if I am gonna be too old by the time I’m in a place where I can do that. I don’t want to be a single mom. I don’t know how I can expect someone coming into my life to suddenly have a family with me. I’m really confused about it right now. I also am kind of relieved right now that I DON’T have kids. I can’t imagine parenting in a pandemic. I can’t imagine what that would be like with children. There’s lots of thoughts in my head right now.

It’s funny cause I remember people were always talking about five year plans, you gotta have a five year plan. And at most I was only able to have like, two or three year plans. And I don’t know why, it was just hard to see five years into the future. And now it kind of doesn’t matter. I think I have a one year plan now. Like it’s really reduced. And even then I don’t know what is gonna happen when the vaccinations are all done, like where we will be at that point. Will I be able to travel again?

I think my goal for so long was to get into a two bedroom here and have kids, and for that I needed a partner. But now I’m like, I dunno. Not sure about the kids thing. I’m not even totally sure I would want to live with someone. I mean maybe? I would need to know it was a good idea. And I just haven’t had much luck with roommates.

ANYWAY ha ha now I am listening to this song and feeling weepy. Not an Elton John song tho.

Student Loans PAID!!! WoooOOO!!!

I paid off my student loans yesterday! It was down to like, $2800, and I just wanted to finish it off already so I paid it off in one lump sum. But there was still this one loan from 2003 that was just over 2000 that said it was in collections. Anyway I went on a kind of roundabout phone search to find the loan so I could rehabilitate it and pay it off too. But eventually I found out from the student loans people that they’d just rolled that debt into the newer loan I’d had, so they were ALL paid off.

I want to celebrate! I can’t drink booze or do drugs. I wish I could have oysters maybe. Or a celebratory spanking. Fuck I don’t know! I didn’t even eat anything particularly delicious today.

It’s not like I had a HUGE loan, but it was still like, $18,000. And it’s paid. IT’S PAID! What do I do now? Save up for a house? All the houses in the neighbourhood I live in cost upwards of one or two million dollars tho so that would be a LONG time of saving. Anyway I have stable co-op housing so I don’t REALLY need to own property right now.

Maybe if there weren’t COVID times going on I would save up for a trip. I could still save up for a trip. A trip way into the future. Maybe I could go somewhere sunny. Maybe I could go to New Zealand finally. I dunno.

Anyway, that’s the big exciting news of right now, besides the fact we finished the short film and that’s done. Now we are submitting the film to festivals. I’m doing other work. I finished my draft of the feature which was a big relief and now it’s gone back to the Story editor for any more notes. It was hanging over my head making me bummed out, so I’m glad it’s done for now.

I ordered a new macbook pro! I actually got Applecare with it this time, because I have learned my lesson. No more getting laptops that turn out to need constant servicing. Or not stuff I have to pony up the money for myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot these days about peer pressure, which probably sounds funny for a 40-something to be thinking about. But I think I’ve been pressured by certain friends about who I should or shouldn’t date. And it’s gotten to the point where I’m actually really quiet about who I would genuinely want to date. I’m just tired of being judged, or people I like being judged. One time I really liked someone and ALL my fucking friends had an opinion about her and it was just honestly the worst, I wish I had just not told any of them about her. And there’s a few people on my radar right now, and one in particular, although I just know if we date people are ALL going to have an opinion about it and my feelings will be second to their shitty ideas of who we are or what it means. And then I also wonder about people I like who have mutual friends with me and I wonder if they are being told shitty things about me. Like, I just don’t think the whole queer community needs to be involved in my relationships.

I was dating someone a couple years ago who told me she didn’t want us to talk about it openly online, and it kind of stung at the time even tho she said it was just because she didn’t want The Internet involved. But now that I think about it more, she kind of had a good point. Why do so many people think their opinions matter in someone else’s relationship?

My last date and I had like, no friends in common, and it was actually really nice. No one told her shitty things about me and no one told me shitty things about her. Oh except one person but they say shitty things about a lot of people. Anyway, yeah.

You know, sometimes I have liked people who my friends have never met and know nothing about AND STILL they have an opinion about them. It’s kind of shocking how confident people can be about their limited knowledge of others.

Ahhh shit I want garlic bread.

Anyway besides thinking about how I don’t want to be peer pressured any more or given terrible unsolicited advice, I am doing good. I have been relaxing more these days. I don’t answer work emails on the weekend anymore, which is nice. but that doesn’t stop people from sending them to me.

Little Mister is blind and deaf, or his senses are very different now anyway. He’s got a good little sniffer tho, he can get around a lot just by using his lil nose. I notice him sniffing the ground more when he is looking for a snack or something. He’s a sweetheart tho.

I went to a shiatsu masseuse to work on my shoulder, but she thought it was actually a nerve issue. So she sent me to a physiotherapist who does dermaneuromodulation. It’s this thing I never heard of but was invented by someone in Saskatoon. Anyway, it involves applying light pressure in different directions on the skin, and it does something to the fascia. She also showed me two exercises to do for physio. She thinks it’s a radial nerve injury, like I overextended my radial nerve. So I’ve been diligently doing these exercises and its making a difference. My body isn’t in such sharp pain so often. And my finger is getting feeling back. And I’m able to lay on my stomach for short periods of time during sleep. And yeah, I don’t have the same sensations in my arm as I used to. So I think it’s improving. I hope I can keep it up, I would like to be healed up.

There was a point where my shoulder/nerve felt so bad that I didn’t even think I could have had sex even if I wanted to. But now I think I could have sex again. Not bondage tho. But like, regular sex.

I’ve been having romantic images or something come into my life. The first was a dream I had that this woman got down on one knee and presented me with a giant pink diamond engagement ring and asked me to marry her and I said yes. And then this weekend I was waking up one morning and could feel someone’s body holding me from behind like the big spoon. I don’t know what is up or why these little premonitions are showing up. I hope it does mean something tho.

Again tho I’m gonna have to protect any new relationships from opinions of my friends. I just cannot start dating or not dating people because of other people’s opinions of me or them.