Housing Sadness when You Have Stable Housing

I have lived in my apartment for five years. I moved into this co-op a year after moving to Toronto and I have stayed in this one unit ever since. It’s a one bedroom. I have a tiny kitchen, living room, sun porch, bathroom with a clawfoot tub, and a bedroom. No dining room. I’ve known if I got a partner I could move into a two bedroom unit and have way more space. And it’s kind of been gnawing at me, and I think actually if I was just able to move into a larger apartment without needing a partner, I would. Like, I think if I lived somewhere bigger I might not even care so much about getting a partner. I think I would be pretty content with my life.

My Mom has been single for a really long time, and I was always resisting the idea of my life playing out that way. But in a way it honestly kind of has. And yeah blah blah it would be nice to love someone who loves me back.

But I don’t like feeling like my life can’t start until I have a partner. It’s so frustrating, and I think probably off putting to people I want to date.

Also I just feel like society pushes us so hard to be in long term romantic relationships, and mine have never worked out. I mean maybe something could someday. But I’m just tired of waiting and trying.

ANYWAY. Realistically it’s true I can’t move into a larger apartment until I have a partner or something. And I don’t want to live with a friend. But my rent is ridiculously cheap because it’s subsidized housing, so I probably won’t move. SO I have to figure out a way to like where I am living.

I have toyed with the idea of painting my apartment, but I’m worried it will make it seem smaller in here.

There’s piles of assorted junk here and there tho, like by the TV, and in my bedroom by my printer, and in the living room by the lamp. And a pile of books and yoga blocks and things on my bookcase. If I moved those, and cleaned up, maybe I would feel better.

I could try moving furniture around. Not sure if I could really move the living room very much. But I could move my bed around so it’s facing a different direction. I could get rid of garbage stuff like plastic bags in my kitchen that I am not gonna use.

There’s been a portable air conditioner that just sat in the middle of the living room year round. But I found a place to tuck it away when I don’t use it, so I’m happy about that.

I mean the other thing to is to take advantage of the nice weather and start putting things on the curb. I could get rid of so many things. Or also there are also tons of little free libraries around this neighbourhood, so I could be taking out a couple books to give away every time I go out for a while.

I could try that anyway.

I don’t know what else I could do to feel happier here, but getting rid of the clutter would be a major improvement. Plus I wouldn’t feel like such a bachelor.

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