Cough till you piss!

It’s been really exciting seeing so much push to defund the police in the States, and here, but I don’t know if Canada is gonna take that seriously. I mean the white majority.

FUCK I am so used to self censoring the word white because you get your posts taken down on Facebook if you talk about white supremacists or white people being racist and it’s just always made me use various other ways of saying white like yt mostly, or wypipo, or I’ve seen () or #ffff. But it’s amazing how white supremacist Facebook moderators can basically forbid criticism of racism and racist actions by deleting entries by BIPOC about white people. It’s so frustrating. And I realized WOW this is my page I can say it as much as I want! I pay for this space.

I remember one time these terfs came here to bully me and I was deleting their comments and they were complaining about me censoring them and I was like “It’s my website for my words go make your own fucking website bitch” anyway yeah that was kinda funny. I wonder if they ever did make a dumbass terfy website? I know I had to block some ip’s because they just kept coming back for more like wow you’re a little obsessed there Patty. Gross!

ANYWAY.

I am doing okay I guess. I didn’t do any real exercising this last week besides walking my dog. She loves her walks. Little Mister went out for a toddle in the courtyard today, he never wants to be out very long but he looks cute running around. He bounces. His legs are so tiny. I had a roast this weekend but it did NOT taste as good today as yesterday. That’s ok. I’m roasting a chicken tomorrow. I’m not sure what to cook with it. Maybe some rice, I ate all my potatoes. I did finally do weights tonight, so that was good. I was doing them twice a week but yeah, missed Wednesday this week. And I normally do it Saturday but instead I did it today.

I had a distance visit with someone today, it was nice. I also talked to my friend on zoom, which was nice too. I’m trying to remember to keep being social in some capacity, because I get weird when it’s just me and my feelings.

Speaking of feelings I’ve just finished two weeks of heavy solo processing about a break up and another past ex lover/one night stand and it was SO HARD. But like, also healing. I had a lot of stuff I needed to let go of, including some anger issues. I’m not a fighty person or anything, I just mean the kind of anger that makes you seethe alone in bed at night and not be able to sleep cause you feel done wrong. I don’t know, it’s not something I can resolve because that person doesn’t talk to me and never apologized the first time I said she did something hurtful, so it’s one of those situations where closure isn’t going to happen with that one person. I mean closure often isn’t freely given by ex lovers tho. Like some people just don’t know how to apologize, or are just jerks. So many jerks. So it’s kind of been me trying to find closure myself and release myself from thinking about this person. The other recent ex and I are on good terms tho. It’s just this one jerkface I was kinda hung up on. Everyone meets that kind of person tho. And it’s not like I even spent very much time with her at all. I don’t even really know her except the things she likes doing in bed. I’m sure she’s a nice friend for people who aren’t me. Just yeah, weird history that I dragged around into my next relationship. So I’m trying to let it all go.

Cause I DO want to have a serious relationship with someone who isn’t a jerkface and doesn’t mind communicating hard stuff and knows how to apologize. I’m sure it’s possible. And I just feel like it might be coming soon and I want to be ready so she’s not also being like “You’re hung up on Jerkface still.” UGH NO no more jerkface!

I’ve been hung up on exes for a long time before, but those were actual relationships with long histories, not ill-advised one night stands. Kinda odd. Maybe it’s because of social media, before if someone was gone and you had no pictures of them they were just sort of mysteries and you’d look around at queer events for them and write in your diary. But now you can see them comment on shit, or post things, or blah blah blah come up in your People You May Know and make you paranoid. What are you saying Facebook why do you think I know this person what do you know?! Ha ha ha. See that actually really dates me that I remember dating before social media made it all messy.

Anyway. Things are good. I did do a lot of processing. And I was able to put my complex feelings aside long enough to finish the most recent draft of my feature script Evil Fire. I am hoping to finish rewriting this year, and then we will apply for production funds. It’s kinda ridiculous tho because productions are on hold while people figure out COVID or wait for a vaccine or something. So even tho we might get production funds for next year, we could still be waiting another year before being able to shoot. I dunno. It is all a mystery!

My dogs are good tho. And I’ve been using my sun porch more which is helping me think about my space differently. It’s basically another room that I barely use, so having the extra space be somewhere I can spend time in now is great. If I was still a smoker I’d smoke so much out there. But I am not. I get urges still, eight years later, but I don’t smoke. I’m keeping quit! I think about smoking weed sometimes too, but then I remember coughing until I’d piss and how shitty that was so I’m glad I don’t do that either.

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