Monthly Archives: June 2020

Emerging Strawberries

So I did another ill advised thing the other day and went to a beach. On a day that it turned into some kinda mega dance party with shitty social distancing. There were hundreds of people there. Yes we were outside BUT it was about as bad as that day at Trinity Bellwoods that made everyone on Twitter shit a brick. AND THEN of course today I’m texting with friends and one of my friends who knew about me going to that beach sends me an article in BlogTO about how there were HORDES of people there and so many complaints. And I’m just like omg I know it was so bad!

The good news is that after the Trinity Bellwoods fiasco, there WASN’T a massive COVID spike like everyone thought there would be. So it might be safer if it’s in the outdoors. But still ill advised. And I wanted my friend to hug me in the near future and now I don’t want to accidentally infect her if I DID get it yesterday. So I am isolating until I can get a test. Like a week? Maybe Thursday even? I don’t know I gotta find out how long I need to wait before the test.

Since I had to isolate, AND ALSO because today is my week off from GoodFood, I ordered groceries so I would have some side dishes and snacks. And I dunno, there is an option for item, and an option for kilos, and yeah long story short I ordered four tomatoes and ended up with like, TWENTY TOMATOES (ok at least 16) and I am sure I picked item. Cause I knew it was a risky choice. I picked 0.2 kilos of cheese once and ended up with a full kilo. So I know it happens. I’ve ordered one garlic and ended up with seven. It’s a risk you take with Instacart! Anyway, now I gotta figure out what to cook with 16 or 20 tomatoes. Sauces? Salsa? Tomato and bacon sandwiches? Do I can them? Oh man. I could freeze them but my freezer is packed because of that issue I had where I kept getting orders of fresh farm meat and didn’t realize I could go on a 12 week schedule instead of a 4 week schedule. I am the only one here who is eating (besides the dogs but they have their own food) so it’s not really like, I am serving a family of four food. And even if I was they wouldn’t eat 16 tomatoes in the time between now and when they go bad.

So yeah. Bummer. I did get baklava tho, and nuts, and hot rods, and some other things. Many things. Things I don’t get from the farm. Potatoes. A whole bunch of potatoes. I might also have trouble with that.

I’ve been growing strawberries. I have been pollinating them by hand with a qtip, and it must be working because every blossom as erupted into a small cute green strawberry. Emerging strawberries. I won’t get very many, but it’s nice growing them, and the plants are ever bearing so they will grow all summer.

I joined a Glad Day movie watching thing and watched San Junipero on Netflix (Black Mirror season 3 episode 4) and OMFG I cried so much! I was a blubbery mess. I kind of like crying like that but also the blinds were open and it was dark so my neighbours could see me crying again.

I do so much crying in private. Like, when I have a broken heart (which is frequently) I’ll just cry everyday while I’m writing in my diary. My heart is not broken right now. But I’ve lived here for five years this summer, and I can tell you there were definitely a couple years where crying EVERY DAY was a thing. Like, EVERY DAY! EVERY DAY! I can’t usually cry in front of people. So I do it alone, and I live alone, so I cry a lot in my day to day. And I sit near the window so I’m sure neighbours know me as that crying lady. Like Homer when he is spying on the neighbours from the second floor, only picture him crying. BUT I was doing pretty good, until this San Junipero episode ha ha. AWWW MY GOD. I’m such a sucker for queer lady love stories. Probably because for all intents and purposes I am a queer lady. Ha ha “lady” ha ha ha. I’m not really. I’m in that sapphic continuum for sure tho, so aww my heart! My withered queer heart!

Anyway. I’m on Tinder again. I’m trying to take it seriously although I would like to meet someone in “real life” and know we have things in common. I mean the thing is I met my last two lovers on Tinder so like??? I shouldn’t knock it? I dunno. I just don’t like it’s association with players, cause I am trying to find something long term FINALLY and it’s just not worked out for me so far. I hate that.

ALSO I have a lot of work to work on these days, and I’m falling behind. We are having a heat wave here, and I feel really loggy and unintelligent when I’m hot in a heat way. SO I’m just kind of, sitting around snacking and having ice cream and drinking pop and trying to figure out what to do with twenty tomatoes.

I also have a bag of lemons. BUT I was expecting a bag of lemons, and I am honestly gonna make lemonade, so it’s not an issue.

When life gives you tomatoes tho? OH man. I suppose I could chuck them at politicians.

Cough till you piss!

It’s been really exciting seeing so much push to defund the police in the States, and here, but I don’t know if Canada is gonna take that seriously. I mean the white majority.

FUCK I am so used to self censoring the word white because you get your posts taken down on Facebook if you talk about white supremacists or white people being racist and it’s just always made me use various other ways of saying white like yt mostly, or wypipo, or I’ve seen () or #ffff. But it’s amazing how white supremacist Facebook moderators can basically forbid criticism of racism and racist actions by deleting entries by BIPOC about white people. It’s so frustrating. And I realized WOW this is my page I can say it as much as I want! I pay for this space.

I remember one time these terfs came here to bully me and I was deleting their comments and they were complaining about me censoring them and I was like “It’s my website for my words go make your own fucking website bitch” anyway yeah that was kinda funny. I wonder if they ever did make a dumbass terfy website? I know I had to block some ip’s because they just kept coming back for more like wow you’re a little obsessed there Patty. Gross!

ANYWAY.

I am doing okay I guess. I didn’t do any real exercising this last week besides walking my dog. She loves her walks. Little Mister went out for a toddle in the courtyard today, he never wants to be out very long but he looks cute running around. He bounces. His legs are so tiny. I had a roast this weekend but it did NOT taste as good today as yesterday. That’s ok. I’m roasting a chicken tomorrow. I’m not sure what to cook with it. Maybe some rice, I ate all my potatoes. I did finally do weights tonight, so that was good. I was doing them twice a week but yeah, missed Wednesday this week. And I normally do it Saturday but instead I did it today.

I had a distance visit with someone today, it was nice. I also talked to my friend on zoom, which was nice too. I’m trying to remember to keep being social in some capacity, because I get weird when it’s just me and my feelings.

Speaking of feelings I’ve just finished two weeks of heavy solo processing about a break up and another past ex lover/one night stand and it was SO HARD. But like, also healing. I had a lot of stuff I needed to let go of, including some anger issues. I’m not a fighty person or anything, I just mean the kind of anger that makes you seethe alone in bed at night and not be able to sleep cause you feel done wrong. I don’t know, it’s not something I can resolve because that person doesn’t talk to me and never apologized the first time I said she did something hurtful, so it’s one of those situations where closure isn’t going to happen with that one person. I mean closure often isn’t freely given by ex lovers tho. Like some people just don’t know how to apologize, or are just jerks. So many jerks. So it’s kind of been me trying to find closure myself and release myself from thinking about this person. The other recent ex and I are on good terms tho. It’s just this one jerkface I was kinda hung up on. Everyone meets that kind of person tho. And it’s not like I even spent very much time with her at all. I don’t even really know her except the things she likes doing in bed. I’m sure she’s a nice friend for people who aren’t me. Just yeah, weird history that I dragged around into my next relationship. So I’m trying to let it all go.

Cause I DO want to have a serious relationship with someone who isn’t a jerkface and doesn’t mind communicating hard stuff and knows how to apologize. I’m sure it’s possible. And I just feel like it might be coming soon and I want to be ready so she’s not also being like “You’re hung up on Jerkface still.” UGH NO no more jerkface!

I’ve been hung up on exes for a long time before, but those were actual relationships with long histories, not ill-advised one night stands. Kinda odd. Maybe it’s because of social media, before if someone was gone and you had no pictures of them they were just sort of mysteries and you’d look around at queer events for them and write in your diary. But now you can see them comment on shit, or post things, or blah blah blah come up in your People You May Know and make you paranoid. What are you saying Facebook why do you think I know this person what do you know?! Ha ha ha. See that actually really dates me that I remember dating before social media made it all messy.

Anyway. Things are good. I did do a lot of processing. And I was able to put my complex feelings aside long enough to finish the most recent draft of my feature script Evil Fire. I am hoping to finish rewriting this year, and then we will apply for production funds. It’s kinda ridiculous tho because productions are on hold while people figure out COVID or wait for a vaccine or something. So even tho we might get production funds for next year, we could still be waiting another year before being able to shoot. I dunno. It is all a mystery!

My dogs are good tho. And I’ve been using my sun porch more which is helping me think about my space differently. It’s basically another room that I barely use, so having the extra space be somewhere I can spend time in now is great. If I was still a smoker I’d smoke so much out there. But I am not. I get urges still, eight years later, but I don’t smoke. I’m keeping quit! I think about smoking weed sometimes too, but then I remember coughing until I’d piss and how shitty that was so I’m glad I don’t do that either.