Monthly Archives: May 2020

Restless

I’m outgrowing my apartment/home. I’ve lived here for five years this summer, definitely a long time. I really love my apartment, it’s been a good safe place to live, and super affordable. But I REALLY want to get into a two bedroom, and I can’t do that until I have a partner to move in with. I’ve seen a couple two bedroom units in my co-op and they are really nice. Also not HUGE but like, they have dining rooms. I don’t have a dining room, just a living room, bedroom, teeny kitchen, and bathroom. ALSO the kitchens seem to have way more cupboard space. I would love more cupboards. I feel like that point in Alice In Wonderland when she’s eating food that makes her giant and her arms and legs are sticking out of windows in the house she’s bursting out of. Only I also have dogs!

I know I also need to lose some things. Like, I have a lot of tshirts I never wear. They could definitely go. I have books I really don’t need or want to read again, those could go. I have some DVDs I just don’t need. You know, just junk. I have cds that could go to the street. This stuff is all taking space and I don’t have to let it.

At the same time a pandemic really does feel like a shitty time to leave things out for people to pick through. Like who is gonna trust it to not have COVID? I can’t even guarantee it doesn’t have COVID because I don’t know maybe I am asymptomatic.

I’m not sure how to cope with this urge to move to a new place, since I definitely can’t move right now. I’m not leaving the co-op. My apartment gets great sun. I just want a bigger one. But I have been thinking maybe I could work on making my home more appealing. I’ve been cleaning rooms in a more substantive way. Like, I got rid of a lot of junk in my bedroom and put things where they were supposed to go. So it seems a lot more reasonable in there. And I’ve been thinking about painting my apartment. Not a HUGE paint job, but like, I could paint the trim in my living room, and the door to the stairs. Just a few things. I like the plants I’ve gotten, they make me feel more in touch with life and nature.

I don’t know. I am restless. And not like I want to leave town, and I definitely don’t want to leave the co-op. I think I am just antsy to get to the next part of my life where I’m living with someone and starting a life together and making each other dinner and having baths together and lazy morning sex and calling home to see if my partner wants me to pick something up from the store. And like, MORE SPACE! A kitchen with more cupboards. A place to have a dining table that we can eat at. I think what is also distressing is that this part of my life is completely out of my control until the right person comes along.

And I can’t go dating until this pandemic is over or under control or SOMETHING. It’s a very strange time in my life. I didn’t have this in my life plans.

Who Knows What The Future Will Bring

Well I haven’t written here in a long time! OMG! So, some things have changed.

I was super concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fertilize my eggs this year because COVID shut down the fertility clinic. But they are reopening, and on Tuesday I am going to message them and see if I can get my donor to go in and just finally fertilize these guys. Cause I just want to get it over with, take a gamble. If we get good embryos that have a chance then great! If not… well I still tried. So yeah. I can’t afford to do another cycle because $6000 worth of medication is just not in my budget. Especially since I have to pay $4000 to also do genetic testing.

BUT hey there is still a chance!

I’m realizing I really don’t know what my future has in store for me. I know people try to have five year plans and my plans have usually only ever been two year plans at best. But this whole thing has thrown everyone for a loop. And I still don’t feel able to have a baby by myself. I need someone to help me parent, even if I am adopting. Plus I don’t know how I can get into a two bedroom if I don’t have a baby yet. It’s really complicated. Like do I need to get a partner to move into a two bedroom so that I could be eligible to adopt? Cause I can’t just move into a two bedroom by myself right now, not by the co-op rules anyway.

I’m confused.

Also I am just kind of taking a pause when it comes to dating. I do want a partner, but I am also deeply introspective right now and trying to understand what I really need from a relationship in the future. And what I can give. And the sort of attentive kind partner I want to be with. AND like I don’t know how to date with this pandemic. It seems like a big obstacle. If I could kiss anyone I would kiss my last lover because I still trust her, but she is not with me anymore. And I am trying to promise myself I won’t chase people anymore. I don’t think it’s ethical to try and convince someone to give me a chance. If they don’t freely want to give me a chance and date me then I don’t want it. And it doesn’t feel good to always be the chaser. Ugh.

Anyway. I have been cooking with the goodfood box, I made some really amazing dinners. Some other not so great dinners. I really don’t like bokchoy. If I could skip everything that has bokchoy I’d be happy. Bokchoy. ANYWAY, they look great in pictures so my instagram is like, dinner photos. Not real inspired but they make me happy anyway.

I also got a huge four foot windowbox for my sunporch and some pepper and strawberry plants, so I am growing those. They make me happy, just going outside every day, sometimes watering, checking their progress. I had lettuce too but some mice found the seedlings when I was still keeping them inside and ate them, roots and all! So no lettuce for me. I might get some herbs planted out there too tho, basil would be good. And who knows what else. I also got some succulents so I am trying hard not to kill those, but I have a bad history with succulents so we’re just gonna have to see.

I don’t go out much. I go to Shoppers for my meds, and toothpaste and stuff. I try to limit my NoFrills trips to once a week or sometimes once every two weeks. I’ve not needed to get much since I started getting the goodfood box tho. And I had signed up for a farm to deliver meat but I’m not eating it fast enough. ALSO today I just got an order of game from Antler so I am eating some pricey cuts of meat this next while. Bison and boar and duck and cornish hens. And venison. SO FANCY.

I’m actually kind of sad cause the bison came with like, two ribsteaks. And I was thinking tonight how nice it would be to cook them for dinner with someone. And then I started thinking about how I would have a physically distanced dinner with someone. I don’t know if it’s possible, especially if I am touching their food. I could wear gloves and a mask I guess. I dunno. I am going to have to plan my romantic dinners for the future.

I do like being part of a couple if the other person is serious about it. Like, if they get weirded out by romantic gestures like me cooking them dinner or writing them a love letter then it’s not fun. Like I think those are mostly the people who just wanted sex tho. But like, I like planning things for someone. I like writing love letters. I like being foolish and trying to play a song for them, or learn a song. I like making dinners. I like planning sexy escapades and adventures. I like spontaneously going to some event to hold hands in the audience and maybe kiss when no one is looking. Just real basic relationship things that I haven’t really had a chance to do much in my life. I did do some of those things. But not enough. It would be nice to lay next to someone and talk about the future and tell them I love them and hear it back. I don’t know why that has been so elusive for me but it has.

Anyway, I’m not really looking for it right now, since I don’t know how to date with a pandemic going on. And I don’t know if there will be a vaccine. But nobody knows really.

I saw two friends today in the flesh, which was kind of amazing, they both stopped by my house and visited from a distance. I miss visiting. It was nice. I went to a screening I was in on Femme Power TV on Twitch and it was really fun, really reminded me of fun queer events we can’t go to anymore because of the pandemic. It felt very intimate and yet also like a community, it was great.

Some days are easier than other days. I still watch a movie every day, or some shorts in a festival or event if that is going on. I watched an Agnes Varda film last night that was super beautiful, Cleo 5 to 7. So amazing! I watch some bad films too, like hollywood cheesy ones, or old crap movies, anything I feel moved to see that day. It’s been a good practice and I’m glad I started it.