All Alone With Your Thoughts

I’m actually doing okay today. I think because I had energy to cook a roast chicken, and to roast some potatoes and beets. I’d better remember I ate beets or I’ll wig out tomorrow.

I’m struggling with the single thing, which is kind of hilarious considering how single I was for years and years. I don’t know why this is so hard, maybe because I have been told this pandemic is gonna go on for 18 months to 2 years. And like, how do you meet new people when you can’t see them in person? Like is someone gonna fall for me in a zoom meeting? I highly doubt it. Not to mention my online presence is the equivalent of me laying in my underwear in the road covered in potato chip crumbs and surrounded by Coke cans. Like, who is gonna be attracted to that kind of messy honesty? I’m really not sure. That’s the problem with being a semi public figure.

I am still taking care of my hygiene though. It’s been helping me feel more normal. Like I still have a bath everyday. I still keep my hair trimmed, even though it’s amateur hour over here. I have bare nails, I might give myself a manicure and put on nail polish. It chips so fast but would make me feel cute again. I was wearing t-shirts almost constantly but am going back to button ups and it’s actually made me feel normal. Ditto for wearing a bra. I shave my legs again, even though no one sees them I have to see them and it matters to me. Still brushing my teeth, maybe even more conscious of brushing my teeth properly because it’s harder to see a dentist right now.

Also cooking for myself has been going well. I haven’t ordered in very often. And I am making mostly decent food. I did make a shakshuka which was a new thing for me, so the eggs were over cooked but I feel more geared up for when I try again. I made myself cupcakes and those were nice. It’s probably too late now but I still want to cook a cobbler. Maybe tomorrow when I am eating chicken leftovers.

I think what really bothers me about being single right now is that I feel like my heart is super open to loving someone right now. And there’s no one, cause my old date doesn’t really want to try again right now. And I can’t meet people. Ugh it makes me sad if I think about it. I know some people got quarantined with terrible partners. So in some ways maybe some would envy me being quarantined alone. But it’s still hard. I’ve been cuddling my dogs a lot. Posey doesn’t let me cuddle her while we sleep anymore, so I cuddle a teddy bear at night and feel sad and regressed or something. But it does help.

I worry about people and my favourite neighbourhood businesses, if that makes sense. I worry about people having to leave Toronto because they can’t afford it here, or get evicted, even though they aren’t supposed to evict people. I worry about my shisha place having to shut down, my favourite deli with the apricot croissants, the local pet store, I don’t know, just places I worry about closing and losing. I worry about losing loved ones to suicide because this isn’t normal for humans. We are such social creatures, and this is hard on me and I’m sure on many others.

I’ve been getting checked in on which is nice, I mean online. There was one day I flipped out though and couldn’t handle messages. So it’s been quieter since then. Some really random people message me which is kind of funny because they aren’t people I would have thought to actually care about me. Like we don’t have conversations normally.

I’m trying to let go right now which is hard. I’m trying to let go of seeing my future plans happen a certain way. I don’t know what the future will bring, I feel like I’m gonna live through this but who the hell knows? I might not be able to fertilize my eggs at all. I might have to just adopt instead of trying. I might not have a girlfriend until I’m 44. I might not have a family until I’m 45. I mean it’s shifting all this shit WAY into the future and it’s kind of terrifying, especially since I am already in my 40’s and was already feeling like time is ticking. I feel like I am on pause.

One good thing is I’ve been able to do my art practice again. I recorded an audio track last night, my dog made a big fuss and was super noisy for no good reason, but it got recorded! I’m gonna chop it up tonight and see if I can make it into a coherent story, and then think more about adding other sounds to the soundtrack. I’m really bad with audio tracks, I often don’t make them as interesting as they could be. I’m one of those just add some talking to it and that’s good people. I have tried to expand this but it’s not always the greatest. But right now I have time to create, with no exhibitions or traveling to take time away from me. So I’m hoping I can experiment with my work more and push it. Also I need to rewrite my screenplay again. I lost count of the drafts of this thing. I know I started the beginning already and it was way better this time around, I just need to hop to it again.

Seems strange that just a few weeks ago I was in Berlin. At a huge international film festival. Making a splash. And now it’s like “You all stay home for the next two years!” Oh god. Someone hurry up with a vaccine. I mean I am taking care of my needs though. I have socialized with zoom and skype. And texted, and facebooked. Twitter is the weirdest place for me though I like posting there but like, no one ever interacts with my stuff. So that’s strange, I dunno, at this point I am just on there to follow some tarot astrologers. I unfollowed someone who hurt my heart on Instagram and then changed my name hoping she wouldn’t be able to find me again. Like, yeah that was some heavy letting go. I’ve never changed my Instagram handle in years, not since I started it, but I just didn’t want to be easily found anymore. The funny thing is her friends totally know I changed my handle so like, it doesn’t matter. PLUS she never looked me up anyway so it really doesn’t matter. Like she won’t be asking anyone about me I know that for a fact.

Ugh seems strange that interpersonal drama can still happen from the comfort of our own homes. I also had to tell an old friend who returned into my life to cool it a bit, which made me feel bad but I was just overwhelmed and I need to learn to protect my boundaries more.

Ehhhh what else? I’m okay though. Like I cry every day but what else is new? I always cried every day anyway. I wish I could move to the next chapter of my life though and that really stresses me out because I feel like the reins have been taken from my hands and I am totally powerless right now for the next two years. I don’t know how to cope with that. People have been saying I’m good at manifesting, but I’m so confused right now and it feels like I can’t manifest anything. Even film projects that received funding are on pause because the film Industry has ground to a halt over physical distancing. And like, finding someone to love and create a family with, that’s just totally gone for the next two years. Fuck. It’s so insane. Worse than insane. And I’ve been certifiably insane and trust me this is even worse. Fuck.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.