Monthly Archives: March 2020

All Alone

It’s been a while since I wrote here. Well, still isolated. Not much has happened. I’ve been keeping on top of my dishes. I did laundry yesterday, I’ve managed to order some groceries, and tomorrow hopefully someone can pick up some groceries for me. I started subscribing to meat delivery from a farm. I haven’t got the first order yet but hopefully it’s not as bad as when I signed up for the good food box and had too much produce. I’m only getting a small delivery every four weeks so hopefully that’s fine.

My date dumped me because we didn’t know when we could see each other because of the pandemic. It’s sad cause I liked her a lot. But I’m trying not to bring my feelings on that into this blog but since I did mention I had an ongoing date I figured I should update you. Single again, and with no one to mingle with because we can’t go on dates in person these days. Some friend of mine told me to go on Tinder and find someone to sext with but god that is kind of a depressing idea right now. I’m aware it might be 18 months before things go back to normal. What a fucking drag.

I’m wondering if a cold I had after Berlin was a mild case of coronavirus. No way to be sure unless they got a test for antibodies. I’m also aware I can’t totally believe that to be true because it might make me slip and think I’m immune when I’m not. Canada has done a crap job at testing people, so when I was concerned and called the healthline they didn’t tell me to get tested. Even people who have symptoms aren’t getting tested. It’s a really bad policy and I know it’s all because of a lack of testing kits. But it’s gonna bite us in the ass.

I finally got a form to apply for subsidy for my co-op but I’m pretty sure I won’t get it, BUT ALSO who knows. I don’t.

I owe a lot in taxes, and will owe more this year. But last year I had things that needed to be written off that they didn’t accept, so actually I should be able to fix last year at least. Or rather, 2018.

I finally have an accountant so I’m glad about that.

I’m trying not to be bored being stuck at home. I cleaned out the boxes in my sun porch, so I can finally chill out out here. It’s nice. People are still trying to play outside.

I bought this toy I’ve been using a lot, so that’s nice. It’s like way better than a regular vibrator that’s for sure. I’m trying to plan meals again. If all goes well I should have all the makings of a shakshuka tomorrow so I’m looking forward to that.

People have been dropping off a few things as I have needed them. Which has been nice. I got toilet paper.

Everyone is baking bread and starting vegetable gardens which is kind of funny/adorable. Human instincts. I mean I haven’t had too much difficulty getting bread in my food orders, but maybe I don’t eat enough bread to discover how low supplies truly are. Also there is apparently still a lot of produce. But there’s definitely a paper to be written about humanity, pandemics, and the urges to hoard toilet paper, learn how to bake bread, and start a vegetable garden. I don’t know if those are exactly survival skills but I guess so? I’m also planning to grow things if my seeds show up. I was gonna grow lettuce and swiss chard and bell peppers. I’m probably not gonna knit all summer though. I don’t usually knit in the summer.

I have a friend who got a concussion a couple months ago and every time we talk on the phone and I complain about being stuck inside they get mad at me because they were stuck inside for months with their concussion. And then I totally forget this the next time they call and we have the exact same conversation again. I wish I didn’t have ADHD it sucks having shit memory.

The funny thing about ADHD is that the things I DO remember are so arbitrary. Like when Instacart brought me veal and I was horrified cause I don’t want to eat a baby animal, I remembered that a friend really likes veal cause she told me so back in 2017 or something. Like literally only one conversation about veal three years ago and I’m still like “Hey do you want this veal?” So weird! But then yeah, I’ll totally forget something else I need to know within five minutes of hearing it. Like my Mom will be giving me instructions and I’ll just space out.

I’m trying to remember all these things for when/if I do have a biologically related kid, so I won’t be hard on them for not being able to do things, or for forgetting I sent them to the store for butter. I want to give them a break.

The dogs are fine. They get walks sometimes, so they are happy about that. People are shitty at social distancing outside tho, but Posey is an aggro dog anyway so she keeps them away. She’s quite enjoying having personal space. And she’s been having fun barking at squirrels and birds and other dogs she sees out the window. Little Mister is getting used to having a little short wander around the courtyard. He’s so sweet. He’s old so not great at going on a long walk, but he really liked the sun and green grass today.

Ehh? What else to report? Things so far are ok. My feelings on being stuck inside change from day to day. Monday was a good day, I felt like I could handle it. Today is a sunny day and I miss going to do things with friends. I’m finishing some Christmas chocolate which is getting a bloom but still tastes fine. I haven’t had a red bull in a long time which is for the best but I miss them. I miss my date a lot but we are still in touch. I’m trying to accept being single for another year. I mean, last year was so good for dates, I mean the whole year until this started and I got dumped. Not the last calendar year. I dated three people in an intimate way and had a lot of first dates. I guess it’s ok if I have to take a break until this pandemic blows over. The good thing is that everyone who isn’t coupled off is sexually frustrated right now, so it’s not just me. Who knows maybe there will be a vaccine sooner than later and I can start a tinder profile again. I don’t know. I’m going to an online play party next week so I’m looking forward to that. I’ll have to bring my gear to the couch. I’m not sure how to have an impact play scene online with only myself and someone bossy but I guess I can learn.

Isolation

It’s been a long time since I wrote here! I had a massive adventure in Berlin this last month which I just never talked about here. It seems like a bad time to talk about it now though because I’m concerned about the pandemic, and it’s affecting my life in specific ways that feel more immediate than talking about being in the Berlinale. Hopefully at a later date when I feel up to remembering some good times, I can tell you about Berlin, but that day is not today.

SO I had to go to Ottawa last week for work, and I came back on Saturday, being super nervous because I was watching things get more serious and worrying that air travel would be stopped for a while. And I was on Porter coming back, so I got to go through Billy Bishop which is a smaller airport and not such a concern as Pearson which has had some COVID 19 people in there.

Honestly today though it feels like it’s everywhere.

I came back wanting to see a date, but we can’t because I need to self isolate after Ottawa. I have been super careful, I did go to a few stores when I came back, on Saturday I think. But I’ve stayed home since, and it’s been okay. I did watch Contagion on Netflix tho which was a bad idea. I had a nightmare about hearing coughing everywhere.

I am trying to get to a point where I can see certain people after this self isolation, but both of those people are immunocompromised and also close friends so even when I am not self isolating, I still have to social distance to a HUGE degree to keep them safe.

My Mom has a dry cough, and a runny nose. The nurse she called said it’s probably a cold. It’s so nerve wracking this whole thing.

I was going to go back to the fertility clinic and get eggs retrieved and fertilized this summer, but now honestly I’m just thinking about getting the ones I already have fertilized and just seeing what happens with that. It’s the last year I am eligible for funded IVF. I am aware that the choice to try and make my own biologically related baby might be taken out of my hands with the circumstances being what they are. I emailed the clinic and they said they are still open but only taking essential people, like I assume people already in the middle of a cycle. They told me to check back in a couple of weeks and see what is going on. It’s really thrown me for a loop. Also I was gonna have to pay $6000 for fertility medication if I do another cycle, so if I only use the eggs I have now, I just need to pay $4000 for genetic testing. But I only have ten or thirteen eggs. I think ten good eggs anyway. Which is only so so statistically for getting a live birth. Ugh.

Also I had a psychic reading recently, from a new psychic cause I was curious and my old one is semi retired. And she was seeing me adopting or having this five year old boy come into my life, and someone who is a baby when they show up. And I’m starting to wonder again about adopting and if this situation is making that a more sensible option. I mean honestly if this gets as bad as I think it’s gonna get, it might be my only option in the end.

Ahhh and my Instacart guy brought me veal instead of chicken. It has a sticker on it saying it’s like, humanely raised or something, but I’m still like omg I’ve tried to avoid veal forever! Jesus Christ the food still left on Instacart is either like “canned brown mushrooms” or “Lobster tail.” Like it is a weird range of foods. I’m gonna be glad when the stores restock and people realize it’s not gonna be empty shelves forever.

I think the other thing about potentially not doing another IVF cycle is that I’m a self employed artist, so people pay me for gigs and contracts. Already I lost $2500 for a residency that isn’t happening now. So like, is now the time to spend $6000 on something I am not sure will give me a baby? I know it would increase my chances of having a baby, but like, that is money I need to live on. I am still gonna spend $4000 on the testing but like, yeah, it seems right now that doing another IVF cycle is not the way to go.

Life is so confusing and like, things unexpectedly change SO FUCKING MUCH! I didn’t think even a few days ago that I would need to cancel doing an IVF cycle. But now? Yup. I’m slowly getting food back in the house, and I had to get the place fumigated while I was in Berlin, so most of my food got chucked at that time. And now of course these staples are in short supply because people are panic buying.

I am thinking about art I want to make though. I have projects I was working on anyway. I could do some other things. I know people are like “Don’t work while you are quarantined!” but honestly I like my job and I am taking it easy but I don’t want to do nothing or I’ll be bummed out and even more depressed. If I can’t kiss my date at least I could be creative which also makes me happy.

Plus I have to work on a short script, because we got funds to make a short film, but are going to do some rewrites while we wait for the film Industry to get back to normal.

The film Industry is shut down basically. No one is having their productions. I had to cancel a shoot and change my plane ticket to July, HOPING I have the ability to travel and go do that shoot. We’ll see.

I am really glad I have my own production and editing equipment though. I didn’t even think about how I needed to be prepared for a pandemic though, I just thought it would be a good idea to have for my own personal use. I like having my own gear, it lets me do shoots whenever I want.

Anyway. Yeah I have a whole kit really. I know how to use it all. I know how to edit. I’m uniquely equipped to make my own films right now.

So there are things I feel sad about losing, or like, knowing I am going to lose them. Like, people really. People who will drift out of my life, people who will die. People I can’t make because I can’t get to the fertility clinic or use money I really need to live on. I’m worried about my friends who are immunocompromised. I’m worried about my Mom who has a cough.

And yet at the same time I’ve gone into this weird survival mode, which right now doesn’t involve crying. I mean these would normally be things I cry over. I did cry a couple nights ago about something else. But even though I think I can see where this is going, I’m not crying yet. I mean maybe sometimes things are so bad you can’t even cry about it. Until later.

Then again I haven’t written in my diary for a while, and writing in my diary is usually what makes me cry super hard.