Dreaming is Free

I used to write here all the time. Then I felt weird about writing personal stuff on a site where a lot of people interested in me as a professional artist come to. So I started writing the actual real stuff on another site. But I still like writing. I’m gonna try and NOT talk about my career for a change this post.

SO I went back to the fertility clinic last week with my donor. We were presented with a lot of options I wasn’t really anticipating. I was just thinking about freezing sperm for this future day when we make embryos. But the doctor said I could get free IVF and do a whole new cycle to get MORE eggs to make sure I have enough for a baby. The problem is, that costs about $6000 in medication that isn’t covered. And I thought oh shit maybe I could pay into insurance that would cover it, but like, no insurance really covers fertility medication. Unless you already had the insurance and didn’t know you were infertile. So now I’ve got this quandary, I could honestly probably get another 10 eggs, do this whole fertilization process, pay the same amount I would with just the eggs I have now, but for MORE eggs, and get a better chance at having a live birth in the end. Like my chances would double. And I did the egg calculator and I’d probably still have the same amount of eggs this time around. BUT FUCK it’s $6000. And I just, I could afford the process without the $6000. But adding another $6000 onto it is just very cost prohibitive for me right now.

Anyway the funding for IVF ends in January, and then they don’t get funding to cover it again until April. So I know for sure I can’t do another cycle this year. It’s just, no. I’m not psychologically prepared to fuck with my hormones in the darkest part of the year. And like, I have someone coming to see me hopefully and it would just be shitty if I had to ditch her so I could go get a transvaginal ultrasound at 7am again like you have to every other day during an IVF cycle. And like oh god the way my ovaries feel, and then trying to have a date, nooooooooo omg that would be hell. SO I guess I have to decide by April.

But of course this leaves my poor donor just like, waiting. I still might approach the clinic about freezing sperm cause he’s over 40 and I know sperm quality goes down and it might only be like, a few months but it could make a difference I don’t know.

I wonder if they have any payment plans? Ugh $6000. It’s not as much as I paid last year for my cycle. It’s like, less than half. But this time I would also have to pay for genetic testing, which adds another $4000. I might get a commission to make a video/performance next year, that would cover it, but it’s still so early to say. And plus I need to live because I have to eat food which generally costs money unless I start stealing from Loblaws. But geez. I should at least use that $25 price fixing apology grocery card first.

I’ve heard about people doing gofundmes for IVF and stuff but shit that seems like, so nuts. I don’t know why I would feel very guilty about doing that. I did a gofundme for my grad school when Student Loans was being a dick. But that was like, grad school. I don’t know why I think friggin’ grad school is more important than a baby which is a living human being. I guess I just feel like people would be dubious about giving me money to make a few embryos. Like there’s people who get money for surgeries and stuff all the time, why do I feel bad about making a baby? If my baby was in a fire and needed expensive medical supplies I’m sure I wouldn’t feel bad about making a gofundme. But like calling this being into existence makes me feel guilty cause it costs money? UGH. It’s not even like I’m paying for sperm or eggs, those are all free, it’s just these medical interventions that make this all possible that are costing money.

Now I’m trying to think if I can monetize my experience enough to pay for my baby. Aww fuck but then my baby would be this famous baby and people would want to know what he or she was doing with her or his life. People were always telling me to monetize this blog and sometimes people still send me emails about it trying to make this like it’s a commercial site. But no I always refused cause what if I had an off day and just wanted to talk about a moldy loaf of bread or something? And then all my advertiser pulled out? Ugh. I fucking hate capitalism.

Last year to pay for my IVF cycle I made a doc for the CBC and wrote a screenplay a few times. Like I am sure things like that could happen again this next year. It’s not like there AREN’T possibilities for that. Maybe I’ll win a prize. Maybe I’ll win the lottery. Maybe I will partially fund my cycle with a gofundme and try not to feel so damned bad about it. I mean Canada makes it very hard to make Indigenous babies. We get sterilized, and the government won’t pay for fertility meds, and our kids get taken away, and doctors encourage us to abort. I’m sure some wealthier settlers would feel better if they could pitch in some dollars to my baby fund. I would feel better I guess. I mean it would honestly double my chances at making a baby.

Anyway besides contemplating this next big step, I did a lot of cleaning today. I cleaned behind a bookshelf and found my duster, so I dusted the house. Then I cleaned this super gross corner of the room where I spilled a coke and broke a glass and dropped a whole bunch of small objects like bottlecaps. Then I cleaned the mice nests out of the other corner of the room. Then I vacuumed my couch. Then I decluttered the bench and vacuumed it. It looks way better here. And smells better. I’m gonna declutter the entertainment unit tomorrow and try to make it look nice again. And yesterday I did all my dishes, and picked up trash in the house. And it’s slowly getting to be a nice place to hang out again.

I love my Nintendo Switch, and I love the goose game. The goose game needs a lot of strategy though, and right now I am stuck trying to get things into a shopping basket. My other favourite game is Mario Kart, because I can play it alone or with people, and because I can play a game really fast and not get swept up in a long story. It’s so easy. I need more games, I also have Yoshi’s Crafted World and Super Mario Deluxe but I haven’t played Super Mario Deluxe yet.

BONUS!

When I got my first fertility medications I had to mix myself and inject alone, I listened to Chiquitita by Abba, and now it’s forever tied to that memory.

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