Monthly Archives: June 2019

Spring Cleaning Times

I am doing my last push of spring cleaning today. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing all kinds of things to make my home better. I did all that cleaning in my bedroom this winter, and most of that is still clean but it could use some going over again in the future. It still looks way better than before, I have a long string of white lights on the wall, some ridiculous Warhol dachshund print, I cleaned off the bedside table and originally it had a plant and crystals, and now it’s got crystals and dicks and play needles and a sharps container and a mini projector. So like, yeah a bit different. The plant got ants which is why it had to go, sad.

I need to tidy my books but MOSTLY they got tidied in the winter and the bookshelves are a bit better.

I have clutter on the entertainment unit and coffee table and bench to clean.

I washed the cushion covers on my couch and my bench, which makes them look almost new except I didn’t wash the GIANT cover on the couch cause it’s so unwieldy. So the arms are still a bit grubby. But overall the couch is great. And the bench was so gross before too cause I eat on it all the time. And yeah, I’m happy about that.

I set up the air conditioner, but honestly it’s not even hot enough to turn it on. I did have it on a couple times but it was just not useful yet.

I cleaned out the sun porch last weekend. I took out recycling, swept, threw out old shit I didn’t need. It’s looking way better, but I almost killed a plant so now there are dead leaves that need sweeping.

Over the winter I upgraded my bathroom so that I have a bidet and a handheld shower head. I haven’t showered much, but the bidet is like so amazing omg. I’m so glad I got it.

I washed the floor today, which I do almost every weekend anyway, but I also put away some stuff so I could wash the floor in the kitchen and by the fridge where the dog bowls are. And I washed under the garbage can. So it’s pretty good in here right now.

I really just have these cluttered spots to deal with, and to take out some more recycling, put away dishes, and clean the bathroom, and then I’m done. I’m so glad. And I’ll probably do deep cleaning a bit more in the future. But this is way way better.

I really like cleaning actually. I think because it’s a visually satisfying thing to do. Like when it’s done you see so many changes, and you feel like you’ve made a difference, and you want people to come over. It’s a really nice feeling.

There’s some fruit flies in here though which makes me think there’s something they are coming from. MYSTERY!

I dunno, what else? I’m mostly stoked about having a clean home again, for a while. I feel like I can have cuties over and not have them be distracted by like, I dunno, a bunch of plastic bags stuck to the floor or something.

ANYWAY I should go push on and finish up here. I’m FINALLY so close to the end of this! Exciting! ALSO I was kind of bummed out because The Distillers was my last concert ticket I’d been anticipating, and now the show is over. BUT now Sleater-Kinney are coming in November so I got a couple tickets and a friend and I are going! So that’s something to look forward to. I really love live music, especially now that I am in Toronto and bands I really like come here on a regular basis.

Ready for Magic

I think I’m ready for more magical things to happen in my life. I feel like I’ve concentrated on my career for so long. I mean I am still going to keep working hard and stuff. But I think I’m ready to feel things like love and desire and so on in a more concrete way. But it’s not even that, it’s more like wanting to feel more connected to nature, and plant life, and that sort of thing. And being open to the mysteries of life.

I quit doing spells this last year because I kind of fucked myself over with a couple of spells that brought in a confusing relationship and then ended it suddenly which I intended but not in a great way. And I just didn’t think I did it right, and I hadn’t intended it to be that person, I didn’t know who it was gonna be but it picked the wrong person, I don’t know. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I’m trying to be more open to trusting that the universe has something better in mind for me. Like maybe I don’t need to do those sorts of spells that end up hurting everyone involved by accident. Like maybe there is something wiser and older and more experienced that I can trust to be helping me somehow.

I don’t think I need to do love spells anymore. And I haven’t. They always backfired in some spectacular way. I think I’m curious now about who is going to show up for me. My friend has a theory that weird shit happens because of these white women doing witchy spells without knowing what they are conjuring up and in a sense I understand that and think it’s a main reason I’ve been trying to bring my spiritual practices closer to Plains Cree beliefs than Euro-Pagan ones. I’ve got some white sage. But I’ve been reading about how harvesting is endangering it, and how it’s specific to the Indigenous people around that area anyway. So I’m going to be growing some prairie sage plants, and hopefully some sweetgrass too. And I’ve been trying to use sweetgrass more in my smudging. It’s part of my tribe’s medicines so I feel comfortable with it. It doesn’t smell as nice as the white sage but I think that’s just because I got used to white sage and have forgotten my connection with sweetgrass.

I grew up going to sweatlodges a lot as a kid. I was doctored by my Uncle and Auntie when I first started getting depressions. I am not in my territory though, so I’m not sure how to connect with my ceremonies beyond maybe attending some when I go home this summer. I’ve never been great at praying, like I just think good thoughts when I do it but I don’t have like, specific words I say or anything. I dunno, my connection to spirituality is wibbly I guess you could say. I believe in the Plains Cree spirits and beings that I know of. But besides getting messages in dreams, I don’t do a lot of stuff. I suppose I put out offerings though.

I don’t really know what it would look like to be more spiritual in a Cree way without seeing an actual medicine person. I’ve just been smudging and putting tobacco down sometimes. Maybe I should ask my Uncle. It’s not like I don’t know Cree medicine people, they are just far away from me. I’m sure there’s someone in town though, Toronto is huge and there’s Crees everywhere.

I feel like someone is going to love me for the rest of my life. And there is even someone who loves me right now. I’m just trying to figure out my relationship with magic and destiny, and how the Plains Cree worldview ties into all of that. I know who my spirit animal is, I’ve spoken with ancestors in dreams twice in the last few months. I feel like I am safe to explore this. I think Indigenous magic is something we don’t talk about a lot outside of our communities because settlers ridicule us when we do because they are colonizers. OR they try to take it and recreate it without us. It’s very strange.

Anyway, I remember when I was in some really dark periods I felt supported by Plains Cree spiritual beliefs and practices. I just want to get in touch with it again. And not to do some crazy love medicine shit. More to feel aligned with my soul’s purpose.

Indigenize my Garden Patch

Work day today, which was really nice actually. I was reworking a second draft of an article. I feel like I got closer to where I want it, but also added like 300 more words than the initial word count we are aiming for and didn’t want to cut until the editor sees it. Honestly I could write a lot more about it but I know there’s limits to this particular article. I’m liking writing for magazines, I haven’t done a lot until a couple years ago when I started being approached to write for Canadian Art, and then Inuit Art Quarterly, and now another magazine (details to come!). I also have another article I am working on but the deadline is twelve days away. They’d probably like to see a version now tho.

I’ve also got to start working on another draft of my feature. I have an idea for the opening scene that is even more terrifying than the initial opening scene I’ve been using. It’s something I wanted to put in a film years ago, and maybe this is the right one.

It’s a hard day for a lot of people, the MMIWG2S Inquiry report came out. And of course there’s a lot of racism in Canada that’s on display online, so it’s kind of disheartening to see assholes on twitter/comments/etc. People generally in favour of what has happened to women/girls/2S people here, even tho they will pretend it’s just about the terminology used in the report. I’m so sick of Canadians sometimes.

I’m just doing my part by making art that hopefully makes people think. It’s really my only weapon.

I got an email from my webhost that my website is taking too much space on the server and they might cut me off if I don’t upgrade to like, a stand alone server. I’m so reluctant, this didn’t even seem like it was gonna be a big website. I guess 15 years of blogging and google indexing will do that. I’d be annoyed if I didn’t have this site, just because it gives me control over my words and my art practice. Ugh. I hope it doesn’t cost a lot of money.

People have been telling me for years to monetize this blog but nooooo I don’t want to! I always thought of writing this blog as being more of an outlet, like letting steam escape from the pressure cooker that is my brain. I feel like if I tried to put ads on this thing I’d feel interference, or some shit like that. And really this blog does get me work because it’s helped me get those writing gigs, and people can see my videos on this site (some of them anyway), and people contact me for artist talks and stuff.

I really hate living under capitalism. I know it’s falling apart, but not soon enough.

Anyway, I was gonna make sure it’s okay with my neighbour to dig up a lily next to my steps and plant some sweetgrass there instead. I was reading about the rhizomes tho and how they are very aggressive and take over patches of land. And I know it would be great to have a lot of sweetgrass, but also a little embarrassing if my attempt to Indigenize my garden patch ended up choking out her other plants. I guess I could just keep digging out the errant sweetgrass and keeping it in a specific area. I also want to plant some milkweed so that the monarchs have something to eat or whatever they do with it. I’d only grown up in a setting that had white and yellow moths in the summer, so it’s kind of been magical every summer to see the Monarchs come to town. I haven’t seen fireflies in my whole life yet either. It would be nice to see those, I think they are in Ontario.

I might end up growing sage instead though, because I know someone who has some sage seedlings.

It was a beautiful sunny day today. I woke up and went to Pet Valu to buy the pups some wet food. Then Little Mister pouted around because he wanted me to buy him some lamb ears cause the tendon we have is too hard, and so is the yak milk. So I went all the way back to Pet Valu and bought him his damn lamb ears. He’s so funny. Now he’s sleeping against the wall in his favourite spot on the floor. I love him so much, he was being super adorable and cuddly today. And I know my time with him is going to come to an end in the future so I kept stopping work just to kiss his face and cuddle him. Mostly when he wants a cuddle tho it’s a ruse, to get onto the coffee table and look for food.