It’s kind of a strange day today. For one thing, it’s my 7 year Sober Birthday, which is super exciting. I ordered a lemon chiffon cake for myself and ate a slice, gonna slowly work my way through it the next few days. Being sober for seven years is a long time. I didn’t even know I was gonna quit drinking until the day I did quit. I kind of knew it was not going well for me. I’d quit pot like, a few months previously. And I just sort of substituted booze for weed, and it was not a great scene. I’m kind of a messy pukey drunk. So I do blood tests to check my liver because of the medications I am on for bipolar, and during the liver check they said it was kinda fucked and I needed to stop drinking immediately. So I did. I don’t know what made that so easy. I mean I really did “party” hardcore for my whole 20’s and part of my 30’s. And it wasn’t really so fun, more like embarrassing. And dangerous.
I remember when I first got sober and was around drunk people I realized how vulnerable they were for the first time. I mean also they can be very annoying. But there’s something that sort of makes me think of them as large rowdy children and it makes me worry for my friends in altered states. It also made me think about my own history as a drunk stoned person and the situations I would find myself in, some of which were dangerous.
Some things I haven’t been able to figure out as a sober person, and it makes me feel some things. Like, I haven’t kissed anyone these last seven years as a sober person, because I realized I really relied on substances to be brave enough to ask to kiss someone. And sex has been right out. It’s actually been longer than seven years, but the being sober thing complicates all of this. At this point I’m not even sure I will remember how to kiss someone properly, and I remember I was once a really exceptional kisser and I just don’t know if I have that in me yet, or if the first person I kiss will be patient enough not to write me off right away for being rusty. It’s not really like I am saving myself for someone to be with the rest of my life, it’s just that making advances is really complicated. Probably falling in love with unavailable women over and over didn’t help either. Also right now I have Invisaligns and although kissing is supposed to be fine, I’m still self-conscious of it. I don’t really feel undesirable though, that’s not really it. And I don’t feel like “OH GOD I’m never gonna kiss anyone again” cause I know someone wants to kiss me and it’s gonna happen soon. It’s just that the last seven years were filled with hesitation and being drawn to the wrong people, and I guess probably figuring myself out too. I didn’t realize I would want to parent children, for one thing, which changes my long term plans for people.
I’ve gotten sort of better at my career in terms of making things happen. That’s a good feeling. I’ve been slowly getting better at meeting new people. I’m more productive, which sounds like a capitalist trap and maybe it is, but also it feels good being able to create so much more work than I did when I was wasted all the time.
Anyway, it’s been a good seven years of growth. I have a drivers license, live somewhere else, did a degree, had some career achievements. My psychic says the love thing is just gonna take time cause I guess this woman I end up with is someone I meet while traveling, so it’s not even gonna happen here. But I still want to put out the intention of wanting to form a longterm relationship someday.
The boy stuff is sort of always around, and not really related to being sober but was also something I was thinking of today. I’m really reluctant to say I’m not a girl, cause part of me is, I’m genderfluid. I’m not gonna do hormones or surgery and I like she/her pronouns. And I even still ID as a lesbian cause I exclusively date queer women. I like that my skin is really soft even compared to other women, so I don’t want to change that, or get hairy, or lower my voice, or read like a cis man. I like my body basically and don’t have dysphoria. But damn do I feel like a boy. There are some things that all point to me being happy with my gender, but still my gender presentation is fairly masculine. I still do my nails. I have pink hair but it’s short. I’m really contradictory but basically I still like being seen and recognized by femmes who call me handsome or say something about me being a boy while they run their fingernails across my skin. I’m colourful by traditional boy standards, but that’s just who I am.
A while back I saw an article about lesbian boys and I kind of scoffed at it. But now I kind of see their point. It’s a confusing thing. I like all my soft parts. But sex with me is sort of a fluid adventure and even as a bottom it involves sort of taking turns having the dick and stuff, and like treating my body certain ways that to the outside observer might just seem like cis lesbian sex but there’s something just a bit boy about how I like to be treated. I still need to explore it more, and like I said above the last seven years have been solitary. I like having my breasts touched and not every boy is into that. I like being penetrated too. But also there’s some interest in femmes who are fluid with the way they fuck too. And even tho I’m mostly a submissive I still like strapping it on and pleasuring my partners. I’m not sure where this idea that all subs/bottoms do is take and not give comes from. Anyway, ha ha it occurs to me this blog post is mostly about sex as a sober boy than as just being sober and also a boy.
I don’t want to say I’m not a woman though. I think because I’m never gonna have the cis guy experience. And also because I’m not gonna pass as a man. And I don’t want to. BUT DAMN I appreciate when people see the boy in me and recognize it and let me know.