I’ve been plotting and planning my resolutions for 2019 when someone asked me what my life motto was and I remembered an old resolution I had to accept my good and bad parts of myself. It came from something a psychic said to me about learning to love myself even with all my flaws and my positive attributes. And I remember from before getting sober I was working SO DAMNED HARD on self improvement. And yeah the non-sober ballyhoo I was involved with was holding me back. But I kept going trying to make myself into this perfect good person and really that’s not realistic for anyone.
My Mom used to always get pissed at me when I would be crabby or grumpy like it was a horrible flaw in my character. And I remember really recently while I was hanging out with my friend Riki, I kind of mentioned wishing I wasn’t irritable sometimes and she was like “But that’s just normal, you’re allowed to have your feelings.” And I was like woah that’s blowing my mind! Because anything I did in particular in relation to living with bipolar disorder was so discouraged and invalidated through much of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be irritable or angry even though I was never one of those people that like threw things across the room when I was angry and I never was violent or over the top. Anyway, I think learning to embrace those parts of me that are feeling legit feelings like anger or sadness is important this next year, and probably part of learning to accept all of myself.
I still have resolutions though, but they seem to be more about learning to enjoy life and set boundaries than making myself a “better human.” Like I am not making a resolution to go to boxing class, because I was gonna go back again anyway. I am making a resolution to stop dating fuckgirls though, because I’ve realized the last 10 years of my romantic life were really filled with a lot of people who kind of dicked me around and didn’t really regard me seriously as a romantic partner. Like they wanted to have sex and then dump me because the conquest was over. Or like to have romantic attention but not a real legit relationship because they were too cool for that, it’s been pretty boring really. And frustrating. And I just don’t have the energy to go through more of this shit, if someone wants a real relationship they have to be serious about me and not play games or be a fucker. And if I am single again for 2019 that’s fine, I’m just not into this polyamorous casual bullshit anymore. Like I need a fulltime partner who wants a family with me, and I’m not going to get that if I keep dating or chasing fuckgirls. Ha ha omg I sound so bitter and maybe I am. But that’s okay, I really just want to cut through the shit this year. And it’s hard dating now because it’s like getting into heavy stuff right off the bat about expectations for life and children. I’m hoping that will reduce the amount of women I’ll meet who want to play games with me.
Except for board games, I would play those with anyone.
I knit my dog a sweater this winter and it was a challenge and taught me new knitting techniques and I kept being intimidated by it and putting it down and leaving it but I finished it! And it looks good and it fits her perfectly and she and I are very happy with it. I noticed that when I am learning new knitting techniques I get overwhelmed and run away from it, and it’s kind of the same in my creative life. Like when I was working on my script and came to a heavy scene I’d open fb and dick around for a while. Anyway, I think I am going to keep knitting and even try other challenging things. I’m making mittens right now, I am working on the thumb of the first one and fucked up by knitting when I should have purled. But it’s all a learning process. And it’s okay to make mistakes.
I read three and a half books so far since I got to my Mom’s for the holidays. I am a terrible reader, I mean I can do it, it’s just that I focused so much on my fb addiction that I left reading literature by the wayside. And I’ve really enjoyed reading books. I like paperbacks. They are the best. I don’t really like reading a screen. I have no kobos or kindles and I don’t want any. Anyway I think I am going to keep up this reading books thing, because it’s good for me and because I know a lot of authors and I’m sheepish to admit I have a stack of their books with not a single spine cracked. Anyway yeah! Reading! Also when I have kids I want them to read books and love reading, and so I know if I want to do that I have to fix my bad screen habits.
I want to spend LESS time on facebook. In a way I have done that this year. I wrote a lot in my personal diary, I started another secret online journal, I’ve been googling things more, and I work a lot more. I might take the facebook app off my phone and leave Messenger on there. I really like the memes my friends share on facebook which is sometimes the only reason I go on there. And the events.
I’m going to start an ASL class again in the new year, but that’s not really a resolution so much as an activity.
I am going to practice my ukulele more. I kind of let that fall out of my schedule this fall, and I was really liking it before. I’m learning Jolene right now and it’s simple but also a damn good song and I can potentially sing along to it. I don’t really regard myself as a musician at the moment, but I know I love music because I always listen to it all day, and I feel like making music would be good for my soul. And it is, it’s nice to do these hand motions with an object and hear musical notes come out of it.
People keep telling me to do stand up comedy but I can’t think of anything I would be more bummed to do so no.
This year my personal ridiculous non-funded project is to write a book about my life. I’m not sure what to write about people who were awful to me. People get so angry with me about making art about them or blogging about what happened between us so I often don’t do it. But if I don’t write about people I have had issues with or even good times, then my life story is gonna look pretty boring because so much of life is about interacting with others. Like I GUESS I could write about sitting alone in my bedroom being stoned so much as a 20 something, but that’s like really boring. And honestly some of the things that have happened are funny or interesting. I guess I could give everyone fake names. That’s probably for the best for legal reasons anyway. AND ALSO fuck people who tell me I can’t write about my life. I deserve to talk about the things that have happened to me without needing to protect people beyond giving them fake names.
But yeah, this last couple of years I wrote nearly 1000 pages in my journal, and so this year I’d like to spend that time writing something that I could publish instead of cry over ha ha.
I think that’s about all my resolutions.
Beyond all of that, 2019 is going to be a really good year for me. I have some amazing things coming up. My psychic said this was going to be the year I meet my life partner so I hope she is right. She also said my dog Little Mister will probably pass on this year though, which is sad. And he started peeing a lot which could mean he is losing kidney function. He’s 13, he’s an old man. I just want to make sure he is comfortable and loved up to the end. So I guess really 2019 will be a mixed bag. He’s been with me for so long and I know it will be a huge hole in my heart when he goes.