Landed Back In My Nest!

I’m back home! Vancouver trip ended really well, my retrospective was well attended, I got the VQFF Media Artist Award which they have only given out twice now, and the last time was ten years ago. And then I lead a workshop for QTBIPOC people and that went really well, and then I went to The Root and read out my diary entries from when I was 7 and 14. I got to see my ex Amber Dawn and reminisce about our histories in Vancouver as queers and when we dated. Talk about life now in our 40’s. My cousin Deanna and I saw each other a bunch which was really nice. I saw my friend Lynn too and that was sweet. People were mostly really busy tho, and there were a couple days where people kept cancelling on me. There were about three people I thought I might have a chance at fooling around with but either our schedules didn’t work out or I was too damned slow to pick up what they were putting down. It’s okay! I’ll live.

Anyway, I am trying not to do long distance things, even tho I have definitely flown further than Toronto to Vancouver to have sex before. But NO I am done with that kind of thing. I want a monogamous local long term thing. Anyway ha ha yeah….

I had a nice hotel room. I drank all the coffee and they kept bringing me more, but they brought more decaf all the time too, so by the time my stay ended there was like, way too much decaf I was never gonna drink.

It was super smokey there the last couple days I was there. Like you couldn’t see the mountains. And most of the beaches were closed because of e.coli. It’s smokey all across Western Canada.

Now that I’m back I gotta get back into working, and order some groceries because I am out, and scroll through my email and try to find messages I couldn’t get to because I was away and busy. Someone said I should do an auto reply thing, but last time I did that I started getting emails bouncing back and forth from noreply emails. What a pain!

I did a lot of thinking about some personal things while I was out there which will remain unwritten here. They really aren’t interesting for anyone but me anyway, and for me it’s really only personal growth stuff now because it’s not going to turn into anything but me confronting parts of myself and the way I approach the world. AHHH ha ha I do have other secret places I write about this stuff. I tried talking about it with friends out there but I could kind of see their eyes glaze and felt super sheepish about needing to process it when it seemed like the most boring banal thing to them. I mean maybe it is boring and banal to everyone but me, it’s not like it’s ever going to be something that will impact their lives.

At the same time I am feeling myself starting to withdraw from friends who can’t do give and take in conversations and let me have space to talk about my stuff before they launch into their stuff. I’m getting tired of having things I say be ignored or disregarded. I think this got especially noticeable with the broken foot, like some people just did not give a shit about my broken foot or what I was going through, and to be perfectly honest I was pretty suicidal the first week I was recovering from it. Like to the point I was scaring myself. So not having my mental health treated with any kind of care was super upsetting, and mostly people who didn’t ask how my foot was doing made me just kind of like, avoid carrying on conversations with them. It is still impacting my life, like I can’t go grocery shopping on my own yet, I still need to order groceries. I still don’t ttc because I’m terrified of not getting a seat and being pretty sad. And sometimes, especially on my trip, when I was trying to do things I got really frustrated and upset because my mobility is limited. There were three friends who did a lot of carework for me though, things that don’t get celebrated but are so necessary like taking out my garbage and recycling. So for that I am grateful. I’m way more independent now, thank god, but I still take cabs. And mostly I probably will still want to stick close to home.

I guess I’m fine overall though. Like, my foot is way better, and my insurance claim went through for my broken bone and now I have $3000 I hadn’t been expecting. So that’s super nice. I also have a big cheque from the festival to deposit tomorrow of about $2500. And then another big $3500 artist fee is coming from my distributor. So fucking relieved. Of course, tomorrow morning I am gonna start going to the fertility clinic for cycle monitoring. So that’s gonna start wiping out some of my cash. But that’s ok, I’ve been planning this. And Amber Dawn told me a hopeful story about a couple she knows who also made science babies and they had four fertilized eggs and used two and they both became humans, and then donated the other two to another couple and both those eggs also became humans. I really hope I can get a human out of one of my eggs. I think I would make a cute smart funny baby.

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