Late Night Thoughts from The Couch

OMG I’m so sleepy! This is a terrible time to try and write a blog post.

Well, let’s see…

I’m trying to keep up on my work. I am writing, not coming along as fast as I would like though. This weekend I am plowing through about 101 submissions for the queer film fest I help program. I saw some good and bad stuff. It’s been illuminating. It’s also a lot to watch at once. I am stuck with about seven features at LEAST to watch, after I get through about 32 more films (some of which might also be features). It’s intimidating me! I still have time.

Friday we had a shoot day, it was, including driving, about 12 hours. SO LONG! OMG! But I think we wrapped, might do another day for pick up shots if we need more footage to fill it out, but we want to see a cut before we make that call in case there are specific images that need to be used. It’s gonna be 20 minutes in the end, which really is not very long. I can kind of see it in my head, but I know I should watch some of the raw footage again to guide the editor.

I’m really trying to keep on top of three things right now, the programming for the film fest, writing this script, and finishing this 20 minute doc. More work happens in the fall, including finally shooting this short we got money for. I am starting to say “We” now even tho it’s really just me. Maybe because I’m starting to get used to making films WITH people. I was such a solitary filmmaker for so long. Video Artist if you are gonna be fussy. But yeah, I really did the shooting, the editing, the writing, the performing, etc. Now I have producers and crew and editors and story editors and stuff and it’s not just me doing these things anymore. I still make very self driven short films, but even then it’s more collaborative than before. I am kind of liking that. I know life is about growing, and change, and I am growing and changing with my career, and my career is going into places I’ve long wanted it to go. Some of that seems to disappoint the more hardcore experimental film folks I’ve spent time with. But also, I know I need to make a living, and for the most part I am good at this stuff, and I like it which is even more important. I really think liking your career is half the battle. After that it can still be stressful, but at least you are having fun.

Anyway, it’s so weird. I’ve been trying to date, and I DO have another date coming up although we had to reschedule. But I feel kind of crappy with my broken foot, like I won’t be able to really romance someone, much less have good passionate sex with them. But disabled people have sex all the time, and this is JUST a broken foot. Like ok, no romantic walks. But it’s temporary and it’s gonna get better. Anyway yeah, I am trying to not feel so anxious about my romantic life or potential dates or rejection. Because that kind of pressure isn’t good for anyone, least of all me. But I still worry I won’t have someone fall in love with me and I’ll die alone. I mean I know I won’t, there’s someone coming, or I might know someone now. But it’s kind of been a long standing worry of mine. I think that’s from growing up as a bit of a nerd and outcast, especially being so butch and lesbian and kids being homophobic but not realizing that’s why they treated me shitty. That makes you feel weird about yourself.

Anyway yeah. I’m fine though, I just need to keep doing my jobs, keep healing my foot bone, keep eating and showering and getting up every morning. Remembering to put my clothes out the night before so in the morning I can put on my underwear and shorts before strapping on my walking boot. Like romance would be lovely, and I would have a lot to give someone. But also I just have to keep living my life and doing my thing. And I get to go to Vancouver this week, which is even more exciting! I have to figure out how to work and also see friends and loved ones and do my gigs. It will be ok. Last time I went to Vancouver tho, I got so stressed out from seeing people all the time. Like SO stressed. I wasn’t getting any alone down time. But this time I have a hotel, so that might help.

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