It just sucks right now

I’m listening to Tori Amos tonight so you can be sure I am in some kind of mood, some kind of cry a lot and think about missed chances mood or something.
Mostly though, I’ve realized I’m kind of sinking into a depression from not having the same abilities to move around that I had Sunday afternoon, before my fracture. I am pretty limited in what I can do. I’m scared to take the TTC, and I can’t even walk far enough to get to the bus stop anyway. I took a cab the other day across town and back that I’m waiting to get reimbursed for and it was about $55. I’m bored as fuck at home and my internet is mostly down, which means I can’t upload videos to a screening in Vancouver and I can’t preview videos for either of the two organizations I need to preview videos for. I’m going out tomorrow to do some work, I’m worried I won’t manage, we’ll see. I’ve been taking afternoon naps because I haven’t gotten enough sleep because the Bell tech kept coming early in the morning to try and fix my Internet before we found out it was the modem. And I stay up late. And tomorrow I have to get up early again. I feel shitty whining about my busted foot but also I kind of need people to listen to me because it’s been difficult, and listen without telling me all their problems like we are in Problem Competition.
I hate being depressed, especially since it’s summer and my therapist and my GP are both on holidays for a few weeks. And I know it’s situational depression and I’m gonna heal and be fine but it still really sucks. And I’m mostly getting enough help from friends, but also I’m not totally getting enough social activity which is hard cause I can’t leave my house much and leaving it just to go work is just kinda shitty.
AHHHHHH I hate depression. I think it’s kind of a cumulative depression though of this past year and having nothing to do but reflect on my shitty choices and situations I have been in and people I have been friends with who treated me kind of shitty. Well, really shitty. UGH. It’s frustrating. I would love to go to a movie or take a walk or go to the store or even just get on a stupid bus and walk around Bed Bath and Beyond but I’m stuck at home. And I can’t even watch Netflix because the internet is down. Until Friday, HOPEFULLY, when the new modem comes. And I can’t handle someone telling me to go for a walk cause it’s a sunny day when I can’t fucking walk further than to the bathroom and back. Or MAYBE from here to the sidewalk. Ugh, people don’t get it.
I can’t wash my floor which really bothers me, because I have dogs so it needs pretty regular washings. People keep asking me to do arty business stuff and I can do some within reason but also I’m really low on spoons and most of my day is spent doing a little bit of writing and then trying to look after myself. I have no partner and I live alone so I’ve had to try and be independent and people keep being like “Put your feet up!” and I’m like “Do you see anyone making me food right now? Do you see anyone picking up after the dogs? Do you see anyone who lives with me who is able to do the dishes?” Ugh. I’ve gotten some help. But some household tasks are just there and need to be done and I’m not able to just sit back like a princess and not do anything because someone is gonna bring me a plate of food every few hours. So that’s frustrating. I got overwhelmed with everyone’s unsolicited advice on facebook, some of which was completely different than what my actual DOCTOR told me, so I finally declared it Don’t Give Thirza Unsolicited Advice Day today and I think that helped.
The dogs are good to have around. We never went on super frequent dog walks, so they are mostly okay hanging out with me. I know in a month when I’m more mobile, Posey is gonna be ridiculously happy to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. I feel bad like I’m robbing her of a summer.
And then I feel bad about missing out on summer, I can’t go to the beach again because the sand isn’t a stable surface for my feet. I am still going to Vancouver but it’s probably going to be pretty low key since I have a busted foot. I have dog care worked out for that, so I’m glad. But I still have to figure out how to get them out there. It sucks.
I dunno, I don’t know how I’m gonna stop being depressed. I guess it will go away as I am able to do more things. But it’s kind of horrifying to be stuck at home like this. Tomorrow I get to go to work out of town, and I won’t have to be on my feet, I get to sit down, I think it will be fine, and I’m looking forward to going somewhere else.
I remember when my grandparents were old, like old old, before they died, and I would go visit them all the time, and I remember thinking how hard that would be to be stuck in your apartment like that. Like they had the other care home residents to visit. But mostly they stayed in their room. I thought about other seniors there who didn’t get visitors, and how lonely that would be. Oh man. I’m terrified when I’m old I’m gonna be one of those forgotten elderly people. It kind of feels like that now, although really I HAVE had more visitors than I normally have. We had band practice this week and they came over and helped me with stuff. My friend Riki came by today. My friend Terri came when I was stuck on a gurney waiting for the doctor at St. Mike’s. Like I’m not ALL ALONE. It just feels like it sometimes. I’m still getting interesting invitations to other places in the future, when this foot is better and life is back to normal. Like, things are going to be fine. It just sucks right now.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.