OK so these bug bites are only on my hands and arms. BUT STILL it’s been ALMOST a week since I got back from Haida Gwaii and I’m still goddamn itchy!
Haida Gwaii was great! I met amazing people and did some amazing things and saw eagles almost every day!
I also got to screen 2 Spirit videos for people, which was cool!
Now I’m back easing into my work life. I have three major projects on the go right now, and one coming soon. I’ve been editing a video and also writing a script and also working on a doc. We have a new angle for the doc, which is exciting. The script seems on track to having this draft completed by the end of Sunday or Monday. It’s gonna need more work I’m sure, but I feel like the characters are embodying more distinct personalities this time.
I’m getting tattooed next month, and seeing the fertility clinic. And seeing Janelle Monae and L7. So that is all pretty fuckin’ exciting. I also get to stay home until August 8th, which is a relief. Although I’ll be likely traveling the last bit of July, and I know my regular dog sitter is unavailable, so I’ll have to work something out.
I’m also going somewhere pretty fucking exciting in November, and I have a plane ticket already that was surprisingly affordable considering how fucking far away this place is, and I just got my travel grant submitted. Canada Council changed the way they do travel grants, so now there are six deadlines. And the next deadline is in August, so I won’t actually find out about this travel grant until December, SUPER FRUSTRATING! On the other hand, so often travel grants are a gamble and I just go and find out when I get home or when I am travelling if I actually got the grant. So this is kind of par for the course. It’s exciting! I’ve never been to this particular continent before, so I am looking forward to it.
I’m doing other things than working super hard though. I’ve been doing a lot of personal growth stuff, mostly centred around (surprise!) journalling. I seemed to be going through A Thing this last year which brought up a lot of feelings about old stuff, in particular ways I was treated by past girlfriends and lovers. Which really wasn’t very good. And I’m realizing I am a different person than whoever they thought they were seeing in me, especially with the passage of time since those experiences. But sort of that dismissive cold feeling I got off of them made me have a really low opinion of myself and probably put up with more bullshit than I should have. I think it’s kind of sad that I’m not interested in getting back together with any of them. Like surely there must be someone I would want to go back to! But, no. Nobody. And I don’t think any of them would want to try again with me anyway.
But I’m noticing a little bit more attention from people who are VERY different than the people I used to date. I don’t know if it’s because I’m 40 and things are way different now. Or if I’m being more upfront and want different things now. It’s a good thing. Like I don’t want to keep dating The Sexy Girl who isn’t really serious about me and is gonna ditch me right away when she decides I’m not cool enough anymore. And not to say these people interested in me aren’t sexy, just that I think there’s a sense of people who are interested in having families now and actual lives together, and not just meaningless sex and treating me pretty shitty. Like that doesn’t mean I’m going to do that with any of these people, but I really don’t know, and the fact that people are being more open about looking for that sort of thing is a big difference from my dating life before. Anyway, I haven’t actually gone on any dates this year yet. But I might, who knows, we’ll see. I think it’s going to be different than my weird dates last year. And other Weird Things I was doing that ultimately led nowhere.
I just know there’s a sense of needing to be upfront about what I want. Like being monogamous and having a family, and before I did a lot of polya bullshit (I know polya is not bullshit but all the polya I did was pretty much bullshit) with people who really DID NOT WANT children in their lives. It really cuts down on the crap when you’re upfront about what you are looking for. I don’t want casual sex anymore. I don’t think I ever did though. Like that’s just not who I am. Anyway, I feel more positive about that. It’s also fucking scary as shit. I am pretty sure I am ready. But parts of me get discouraged when I think about how much work is involved in developing a relationship with someone, like being open (ha ha you’re laughing) and brave about feelings and clear about boundaries and desires, and things I just don’t have a great skillset in. Because I haven’t had any really serious relationships. Like I don’t remember the last time I had to process with a lover. It’s been a long damn time. For the longest time I was just letting people know my Fetlife name instead of sitting down and having an honest conversation about the kinds of sex I am into and up for and looking for (spoiler: Letting someone read your fetish list is not the same as honest communication). So I feel like I have a steep learning curve for starting a real relationship. Anyway ha ha omg I hope this blog doesn’t scare people off.
BUT basically what I am saying is I think I am really ready to start dating again, and that’s exciting for me. And I think my work is still making me pretty happy, the stress is going to go way down soon, next week the video is due, so that will be off my plate. And this draft is due next week too, then it gets notes, then another draft this summer. So things are positive for me really. When I put my very complicated emotions aside, my life is objectively a really good thing these days. I have friends, work, enough cash to live, resources, community. I think I’m ready to add dating to it. I still need to go back to boxing tho!