I have to work this weekend though. I have a script beat sheet due on the 24th. SHIT MAN 6 days! And in that time I also have a shoot I am doing. I’m lucky that we can all agree the ending is fine, so it’s the lead up to that that needs work. I have to get the final script done by the end of the summer, so it’s coming up!
I can’t believe I’m already looking towards the end of the summer.
Also I didn’t realize my work for the last two years would be so busy every summer. In some ways it makes sense though, people shoot in the summer times. Like of course, of course!
I haven’t heard from the ex friend I had to stop being friends with. I think some sadness is creeping in about it, but also part of that is knowing she was being so abusive that there’s no way to go back again.
I’m feeling overwhelmed by baby making stuff again. I know it’s still early days, but I’m trying to get more information for the woman who might be a surrogate but needs to know more, and a lot of information is pretty fucking dire. Like it’s a massive thing to do. Also I was talking a friend the other day about sperm donors and gay men get quarantined for six months when they donate (UGH Fucking government) so it’s better to say you are a couple or throuple or whatever depending how many people are involved. Yeahhh, that is a lot to think about. And then with public adoptions a social worker will come visit you once a month for six months to make some judgements, and you can’t be on social assistance. Which I kind of thought. Anyway yeah, technically I am still on Ontario Works even though I haven’t been paid in three months and want off. So I gotta get off before I go things like this. I am making too much money next month to stay on anyway.
I went and got my hair cut today. I think I overheard my hairdressers talking about noticing I lost weight. I mean I have, and I wasn’t offended, but it’s kind of nice that other people are noticing. AHHHH SHIT and then that gets into that whole fat hating thing I don’t want to fall into.
I have a gut, I mean, it’s likely that will always be around, I had a bit of one even before I got on the meds in my early 20’s that caused me to gain so much weight. But I’ve got more of a shape than just a tube now, which is nice, and my chins are smaller, like the fat is really disappearing there. It’s making me look different. I’m not really sure what I am gonna look like as I keep exercising. I haven’t been to boxing in a couple of weeks, but I want to go this next week. I can only go swimming next week then I have to take a break while my tattoo heals. And then I can go swimming in a few weeks again, and then in late July I have to stop again for another month after the NEXT tattoo heals.
Having my body change on me is weird. I actually never really thought I WOULD lose weight. I thought I would just be the way I was for good. But now I have things changing my body, and I know I have more muscle because I am stronger and I can also see more muscles in my body. And more muscle mass means more fat being burned even at rest. I mean so I heard.
ANYWAY I hate being excited by my body changing, because of the fat phobia and ALSO I think fat bodies are fine. BUT ALSO I had a lot of dysphoria when I DID get fat in my 20’s, because until that point I was honestly quite a skinny kid. Like, it looked so different for me and I had a lot to deal with coming to terms with it. And so now going back the other way is also weird but also exciting like it’s the old me that has always been here. And I can also see some other reasons why that happened. Like as a kid I was VERY active, I rode my bike a lot, and all through high school I walked my dog for an hour every day. I haven’t really been so active as an adult.
Ha ha so anyway, maybe I am gonna be one of those annoying light skinned masculine of centre androgynous skinny people that everyone rolls their eyes over because they are in a certain place in desirability levels. AHHHH ha ha desirability privilege. But is that still true for masculine women/non-binary people? Oh hell I don’t even want to try and unpack this right now, I’m so tired today. I do know though that I am getting more flirty attention from people. A lot of men unfortunately, and it’s just like ohhhh no that’s not what is gonna happen here. But I think probably some women are giving me a little bit of attention, they can be really subtle though and I don’t pick up on subtlety well.
Either way, this is all gonna be changed very shortly, since next Sunday is when I get my face tattooed in Edmonton. And I’m sure it’s going to change who is attracted to me and why. It’s probably going to make people find me very confrontational/scary also. And also it’s going to make me more obviously Indigenous, which is what I really want.