Tentative Is A Good Word, But Feels Weird

I have reached out to the other two individuals I am hoping will help me make a baby. It’s been really strange. No one prepares you for having those kind of blunt upfront possibly life-changing conversations with people. I really didn’t know how either of them were going to react, and I was worried I’d totally weird them out. BUT I did choose both of them to approach because they are genuinely kind loving people who I have positive relationships with. And one of them seems very excited to be involved, which makes me really happy. The other one said they were honoured, but they need more time to consider it, which is totally fine by me, and I was expecting them to need time to think and talk it over. I’m really not sure what it’s going to look like if all this works out and I do end up with a baby, as in if anyone will want to continue being involved in some way in the baby’s life. I would be pretty open to co-parents and aunties (and uncles) being involved in this child’s life. But also I don’t want to make either of these people feel like they are signing up for a lifetime commitment if really all they want to do is help out in creating a life and then see some cute pics of the kid on Instagram. I’m feeling really flexible about it.

I think something I like about the queer community is how different families can be, like, they aren’t always nuclear families, they can involve multiple parents, there are polya families, like there’s a lot of different ways of having families and raising children. You don’t have to be in a romantic partnership to parent a kid with someone, you could be friends. And who knows, maybe I’ll really just be a single mom whose friends like hanging out with my kid. Which is a nice community to raise a kid in too. I think growing up with a single parent made me feel like it’s very possible to do that. Like I DID want a partner to do this with, and I still do, but also I can see how I could do it alone. It wouldn’t be awful. It would be hard, but not impossible.

I’m really having a breakthrough in having difficult conversations though. I’ve been contacting people through OKC for maybe dates or friend hang outs. I tried to open up a conversation with someone about something that had happened between us, and even though she evaded the topic and we went back to talking about something else, I kind of felt good about bringing it up and having given her the option to discuss it with me. And the fact she didn’t want to kind of told me all I needed to know about it. I don’t really have any other heavy conversations I need to start, so I’m glad about that. It’s hard, even when it’s about positive things, or POTENTIALLY positive things. Maybe especially when it’s things that could be positive, because people are really unpredictable, and can take things in so many different ways. Like shit can just go sideways so fast.

Anyway, it’s Mother’s Day today. I promised my Mom I would make her crepes suzette and mimosas when I come back home in June, and take her for dinner to her favourite Korean restaurant. She’s finally gotten really excited about this potential baby. It’s so unknown still, there are so many variables, and so many more steps, and so much more money involved. But even if I don’t end up with a genetically related to me baby, I’m still gonna end up with a baby, because if this doesn’t work out I’m going to try adoption. But I think the idea of having a baby that belongs to me and is part of my tribe is really important. I admit I would be disappointed if it doesn’t work out. I wouldn’t give up on kids, but it would feel just a bit different. I’m sure I would love whatever kids I end up with, and probably even if I DO have this baby, there’s gonna be a kid in my life who is not biologically related also, because I’m probably gonna have two. I dunno, it’s interesting.

BUT I’m glad that it’s Mother’s Day and I’ve finally talked to the two people I hope will be able to help me with this task of making a baby. It’s a journey and I’m taking steps everyday.

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