I’m trying to do my dogs training homework with her. It literally would only take 5-10 minutes, during which she would be fed a whole bunch of hot dog pieces. But she saw me put on the treat bag and got terrified and hid. So now I’m sitting on my couch wearing a pouch of hot dogs and writing in my blog. And Posey is under the couch.
Little Mister wanted to do Posey’s homework for her, but I told him no. Even tho I know he’s so smart and obedient that I could probably teach him to juggle three balls in the air at once for hot dogs. BUT THAT’S WHY! Posey needs assistance, and he is fine. I did give him some hotdogs tho.
SO some things have happened. One is that I got my personals ad posted! And I’ve gotten some attention, which is really sweet, and who knows what will happen! The interesting thing is I am not just getting attention on Instagram, I’ve also seen women checking me out at other events in real life, which is very strange for me but also flattering. I’m not very good at flirting back, I’m used to kind of feeling like I am chasing women and feeling pathetic about it. So having interested women approach me is really unusual. Also it is springtime, which is really nice, and I think a bit of spring fever is in the air. I think the problem is part of me really wishes I was with a sort of unrequited love, and it’s just not happening, and it bums me out but also I need to keep myself open to people who can actually give me love and attention. And I just wish it was playing out differently than it is. And I also know I can’t wait around forever and just stay unloved and undesired and feeling shitty about it. And there are some interesting women who want to get to know me, and I really can’t turn down people when I don’t know who they are yet. I mean obviously I could, BUT I think it is good for me to remain open to people, ESPECIALLY when I am finally entering a period in my life where I am getting some flirty attention.
Dating is weird. I’m not actually going on any dates yet, just messaging people. BUT being monogamous now (or potentially monogamous maybe since I’m still single) makes things weird cause I don’t want to offend people being like “I don’t know and I am talking to people but things can always change,” BUT ALSO I really haven’t committed to anyone and that doesn’t mean I never will commit to one person. But it feels lowkey shitty to flirt with a bunch of people. I think I feel shitty about it just because I know as a person who accepted polyamory just because I didn’t think I could do better, how awful it feels to see someone you like chatting someone else up. And I hate making people feel shitty the way I have felt shitty.
And the other part obviously is wanting to be available for this person who doesn’t even want to spend time alone with me anymore. BUT Therapy is on Friday so that’s a plus. Gah! Why is life so weird?
Anyway! The shitty thing that happened this last weekend was my friend nuked our relationship. Like threw multiple grenades into our friendship and even gave a parting shot when I had to tell her we couldn’t be friends anymore. I don’t even feel like saying all the terrible things she said, but I was in a boxing class and she suddenly flipped out and sent multiple angry emails ripping into me about all my gaping faults and how I was gonna be a terrible parent and was a horrible filmmaker and couldn’t tell a story and she said shitty things about me flirting with people on Instagram too. Like it was so crazy and fucked up. And I wasn’t even done reading the first paragraph of her emails to me after boxing class when I knew we couldn’t be friends anymore. And this is a 15 year friendship, the same one I had problems with in January.
In hindsight I wish I had ended this friendship last year, when she started getting aggressive and negative and tearing me down and making me doubt my experiences and my relationships with other people. I now see she was trying to bring me down because she was threatened by me. And I held on so long because we had years of good friendship times, and I thought if I waited long enough she would go back to the way she used to be. But instead she just got worse and worse. OH and she got angry at me for not responding to her fast enough through emails. And last week I had a deadline I was working to, and a lot of other work and social events to be involved in. So really I couldn’t spend the emotional energy to respond to her. And I was going to, but then she started ranting about how horrible assisted reproduction was and how the government shouldn’t pay for it. KNOWING fully that I have a referral to a fertility clinic to freeze my eggs and eventually do IVF with a surrogate. And I think I was making spaghetti sauce, and I was like oh man I had better answer this, so I sent a one sentence email kind of telling her it wasn’t okay, especially when talking to an Indigenous person who comes from a city where they were nonconsensually sterilizing Cree women as recently as a couple of years ago. And then she got madder and double downed, and then I was doing something else and could only answer on my phone so I sent another one sentence email. ANYWAY that’s when she flipped out the next day. Yep.
SO it’s my birthday in three days. And I’m looking forward to it, even tho my ex-friend did her damnedest to make me feel as shitty about myself as possible. The thing was she was working hard to make me feel shitty for a whole year, and it was an entire campaign. And I’m just like, so done with it. She can fuck off back to loserville. It was the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen, like a two year old having a tantrum in my inbox calling me a poopyhead. Only with adult language and years of intimate knowledge of my life. It was fucked. And the other thing too is that I was coming to realize I would need to end our friendship anyway when I got into a serious relationship, because she’s made it clear that she HATED anyone I liked, like just loathed, for no good reason and without ever meeting these women. And part of me knew if I got a girlfriend she would actively try to break us up. And I just didn’t want that kind of negative energy in my life anymore. SO going into my 40’s without this friendship is a blessing really. And I don’t think I’m gonna let anyone treat me that badly again. It’s over, my boundaries are clear, and I’m way better than that.
So today I got myself some kind of flowering plant to kill this season (I am bad with flowering plants) and I went to my favourite Thai restaurant for basil beef and fried bananas. I washed the floor to get this bad energy out of my house. And I got some lottery tickets on the off chance some magical karma is coming my way.
Today 10 people died on Yonge Street. And I talked about it a lot on my Facebook. And it’s becoming clear to some people (and I don’t know how true this is) that the driver of the van that plowed into all those people considered himself an Incel. That’s kind of a dark underbelly I am still shocked by. I haven’t had sex with another person in a really long time, but I’m still not gonna try and start some kind of toxic masculinity “revolution” over it just because I’m bad at getting laid. I was telling Mom how ridiculous it was, this whole Incel thing, and she was like “Oh but you’re not a man! You don’t have those urges!” (She’s totally joking she knows it’s a bunch of bullshit) and I was like “OH god, you can solve those urges with a hand and a piece of kleenex!” I mean sure it sucks not having an intimate relationship, but I think there’s probably some good reasons some people aren’t getting women’s attention the way they want. Like being a misogynist pig who thinks it’s legit to kill people because no one touched your penis recently. It’s been a fucking long time for me, but I have access to toys, porn, and my imagination, and until I find someone I can have a mutually loving relationship with, I’m just gonna have to live with that and the love of my friends. And that’s okay!
UGH some people! To ruin and destroy so many peoples lives just because of something petty like that.
Posey still doesn’t want my hotdogs. And I’m not gonna make her eat hot dogs if she doesn’t want them. I guess I’ll put them away and see if she wants to do her homework tomorrow.