Monthly Archives: January 2018

Butch Boxing and Life

It’s Saturday night. I have started going to boxing classes. My second class is tomorrow at noon. I kind of strained my abs last Sunday, we have to do these intense ab work outs where you do sit ups with your ankles locked with someone and then practice jabs, hooks, uppercuts. OMG I realized I only use my abs to get out of bed. And the reason I know that is because my abs still are sore but I only feel the soreness when I am getting out of bed.

Anyway, it’s a nice workout after that. Like the jump rope stuff is a bit much for me, and the sit ups are fucking intense. But punching different things is pretty fun. I’ve never really done anything where I had to punch as hard as I could. It’s a really unused skill I have. Like, actually it’s not a skill of mine at all yet. BUT it will be! Last week Savoy showed me how to throw a punch, and it was really interesting and also feels pretty good. I’m doing recreational boxing, so there won’t be actual times when I am hitting someone in the head. Or getting hit. BUT I COULD! Savoy asked me if I had ever been in a bar fight. Nope. Not even the time I got beat up did I fight back. Like I was just such a pacifist. I think that has really changed over the years. I haven’t hit someone or anything, but I think in a dangerous situation I would probably go apeshit now. But yeah, I really just want to punch bags and things. And build some muscle mass.

I haven’t really been inspired to get involved in any fitness routines in a long time. Like I always worry about coming across as what one of my friends called “a fat hating fatty.” Like I am fat, it is what it is. I’ve talked about it here before. But I don’t want to talk about boxing while slamming being fat, cause that goes against my values. Like my body is just gonna be whatever it is in the end. But there are totally fit fat people out there. Like people might not believe that, but there are very athletic chubsters. Which is kind of cool because it throws people’s fat myths into the garbage.

Anyway yeah that’s tomorrow. Work has been going ok! I am doing alright I think, still in probationary period until the beginning of March and I have to learn how to do something different and new successfully to keep my job. But we’ll see. It would be nice to keep working. I’m waiting to hear about a large grant too. We’ll see.

I have a date next weekend! It’s like, oh man I shouldn’t make them feel weird by talking about it. But it’s like a low key just see how it goes hang out. I was kind of surprised to be approached. I’ve usually been in the position of chasing people, and to be honest that position is really demoralizing. Especially since nothing has really worked out in so long. I really shouldn’t talk about it much more tho cause I don’t want to make anyone I date or am interested in feel like I’m gonna put all their stuff on my blog. That would be shitty. It’s just been a really long time since anyone told me they liked me in that kind of way, like I actually can’t remember the last time. And who knows what the future will bring.

I haven’t knit all week but I think I’m gonna try and put an hour into it tonight so that I can be okay with my gibbled up hands tomorrow after boxing. I mean they are fine, but also they do get a little sore and stiff.

I’m hemorrhaging money right now. I have to pay up front for my eye exam on Wednesday and get reimbursed, I need to pay for my ASL class later that day, I’m digitizing videos too, and ALSO today Paypal told me my Adobe creative cloud fee comes out any moment. AND to make things worse, Little Mister is having bloody poops off and on. Like he did some last week, then was fine, then this morning had some again. So he needs to see the vet really really soon. He’s walking around like he is fine though! BUT he’s old and rickety. And he’s a sweetheart and I don’t want him to be sickly.

I guess life is pretty good. My friend I was so sad about two weeks ago is working to mend things with me, and offered a heartfelt apology, and we’re just gonna see how it goes but also maintain some more space between us. It’s hard. Interpersonal things are hard. And I do love her and when I think about the time we have known each other it’s kind of amazing we’ve only had one major incident like this.

But yah! Not gonna talk about that for a while, because I feel protective of our friendship right now especially because it’s hard.

There’s some film career stuff going on too, but right now it’s in the background waiting for funding to come through. So really I am doing not really anything in that regard at the moment, which is nice. But I hopefully am gonna be writing again soon.

I’ve been reading my tarot cards a lot lately. A new deck is coming to me in a month, the Numinous Tarot which is sort of a non-binary inclusive deck. I’m excited to see it! I backed it in a kickstarter a long time ago. Ha ha and of course the money came out at a terrible time recently, dammit, all this money! GONE!

So yeahhhhhhh things feel better today

Well, last week around this time I was in major distress. But I’m happy to say my feelings have changed and I feel pretty good. Not about that friendship, which definitely needs a time out still. BUT I feel better about life and things I am doing and stuff. I got paid today so I went and got some dog food, paid the internet bill, paid my Mom back cause I needed food money this last week, gonna get groceries but there’s some ice pellets coming down and I’m terrified of walking in slippy conditions. So yeah, it’s ok.

I found the diary entry I did from January 2nd, 1993, when I came out to my diary. The funny thing is I hadn’t clued in I was a lesbian until like 12:01 January 1st 1993, I mean it was coming and I was realizing and things were clicking into place slowly. But then I fell in love for the first time with a girl and also realized I never had those feelings for boys. I would have been 14. It was before the internet. I mean the internet was around but not at our house and definitely not in the way it is now. I hadn’t read that entry in a long time, I wasn’t sure what it would be like, like if I would be all upset or scared or whatever. But it was kind of a funny entry, like it was like revealing a secret to my diary so it was very momentous, and then a short paragraph about why I thought I was a lesbian and not bisexual (cause these boys who I don’t even remember now I just wanted to be friends with etc.) and then I launched into this very mushy romantic thing about feeling totally in love and I didn’t know if she was a lesbian so it was like oh no and I hoped she would notice me and wanting her to be my fiancée etc etc. Ha ha anyway, we never did get together for a whole bunch of reasons (like she was way older and going out with someone and hadn’t come out as bisexual yet etc etc) but yeah she did turn out to be bisexual so in some ways I wasn’t so far off the mark. And I did stay in love with her for like, two years, all really intense and sometimes really sad and sometimes really beautiful and we had a tender friendship and I never did tell her my feelings. But it was kind of sweet, to realize the thing that really tipped me over the edge with my coming out was falling madly in love for the first time.

It also kind of set the tone for the rest of my life, like I just fall in love a lot. And not to cheapen it or anything, I think I just feel things really strongly and when I really love someone it’s like, INTENSE and omg. And it’s only been that nothing has worked out yet that I have fallen so many times. And I do fall OUT of love too, like when it’s not happening and I kind of get fed up with waiting for someone to realize I am amazing or whatever lol. I don’t know tho, there was something really sweet to realize that when I came out to my diary it wasn’t all anguished, it was more so I could gush about how gorgeous and smart this girl was and how much I loved her. Like it made me feel less cynical about love, oddly enough. Even tho I’ve been disappointed so many times. I remember how new that feeling felt, and how overwhelming, and how I was amazed that I was someone who fell in love with girls (and women when I grew up obviously).

The other interesting thing is that I think being queer substantially improved my life. Like that probably sounds weird, but I was queer in a small Saskatchewan city, in the early 90’s, and gay stuff was everywhere at the time and visibility was really increasing. And it was a major reason I ended up making videos, like both being amazed by 90’s queer video art, and also getting access to video equipment to make my first few videos. And also I met a lot of older queer youth, like a lot of gay boys in university, and they would sneak me into the raver bar with them and we would drive around listening to Skinny Puppy and NIN and stuff. And I dunno, it sort of opened my world up, and before I came out I had felt very dark and depressed. I guess falling in love will do that.

Also I remember finding my community was tricky. At that time so much of queer culture was built around bars and needing to be drinking age. And I remember how I did find other homos was I went looking at AIDS Saskatoon for some pamphletes on having safe sex for lesbians, because OBVIOUSLY (and still to this day) we didn’t learn THAT in school. And so I went looking and found something for the Queer youth group that met once a week. It was called QYSS I think. I remember I went and met a couple of people and the guy kept calling the lesbian Mary and I thought that was her name ha ha ha! Anyway, yeah, it was a good group, I mean it was queer youth so it had a fair amount of drama which we are not allowed to talk about. But it was definitely a formative experience and I really think someday I should do a video or write about it. Now of course there’s like, the Internet. But Out Saskatoon still runs that group, with new names and I think the format has changed. And the age range is way lower.

Ha ha omg I remember Gay and Lesbian Health Services (the org that ran the youth group) also sold some queer stuff like funny shirts and mugs and cock and ball bondage things and shit like that. And I remember one time I was looking in their store and this guy picked up this small leather thing and said “What is this for?” and then suddenly started laughing and laughing. Ahh good times.

Anyway, yeah, love isn’t so bad. I mean it has lead me to some interesting places. And it was the catalyst for me finally coming out to myself. I think sometimes I hold myself back around it now tho, like I’ve just been burned so many times that I don’t let myself fall in love as easy as I used to. And it’s not that I don’t fall in love, so much as I keep trying to remain in denial about it because I feel bad or sheepish about it. Like I usually tell people I have a crush or feelings for them or whatever, because I really don’t want to say “HOLY SHIT I LOVE YOU!” when we haven’t kissed yet or established a relationship for long enough or whatever.

So it’s kind of cute to reflect on that 14 year old lesbian who was falling in love for the first time and deciding I wanted to MARRY this woman right off the bat and just how unrestrained my feelings were at that point in my life. In some ways it sounds kind of foolish now, and in other ways I kind of envy how sure I felt.

Painful Times

The last five days have been some of the most painful days I have been through in recent times. I had made a comment in an email to my best friend about thinking of having a fling with a certain woman I know who seems to be indicating some interest. And it kind of started a huge fight in my inbox for a few days, during which some really cruel things were said to me, and some very negative assumptions which have been made about me by this friend were underscored and highlighted and repeated over and over. And I had tried to get her to stop, and said she was hurting me, and she would like, say one apology in one sentence and then launch into the whole thing again. She kept threatening our friendship and it was pretty painful and she was super upsetting me to the point that I’ve basically cried on and off the last few days. I eventually had to ask that we take a break for a couple of months because she really was so relentless and so unwilling to mend things or admit she was really out of line or take accountability for the utter shitshow that became this email thread. And earlier, in the email I had sent her originally, I mentioned how long it has been since I kissed someone (spoiler: a fucking long time) and she took that fact and kind of used it against me in a really mean way kind of mocking me for it. And there were a lot of things wrong with what happened between us, but probably THAT was the major thing that felt like such a betrayal there is no going back. I have a lot of feelings over the dry spell I have been in, and it’s really difficult and there’s a lot of reasons why it’s been this way, but it’s obviously a very tender subject with me and the fact that my best friend would pick THAT fact to use to hurt me really crossed like, all the lines.

She asked if I would be willing to read any apologies after I asked for a break for two months, and I said I would because I was unsure of our friendship continuing. But that was three days ago or so now and nothing has come. And I have felt a mix of emotions, and if she reads this I am sure she would be insanely angry for me talking about it. But it’s been really difficult on me and I am trying to just feel my feelings and accept that I need to go through this grieving process for our friendship. Because really I don’t know how these things could be made right again, and the fact she hasn’t reached out with any apologies since is painful. And as I read over old diary entries I see how this long campaign has been waged in our friendship that has been dragging me down into paranoia and sadness and suspicion and just this really shitty headspace that I don’t even really feel is coming from the core of me. Like it’s kind of been projected on me, and I feel like I got deluded into going along with it, and it’s at the point where I don’t even know how I feel about certain people anymore. And it’s not like they are bad people, it’s just my view has been so skewed by this long campaign of trying to convince me I am a victim.

OH god it’s insane. Like when people say something is batshit crazy, this is the kind of thing they mean. It feels like there was so much gaslighting and some kind of ulterior motive and I’m really confused but also really ready to walk away. But I invested years and years of my life into this friendship, and often-almost always, felt love for her, and sometimes it felt like a more-than-friends kind of love, which I always knew wouldn’t go anywhere and we were just friends. But it’s hard for me to feel that emotion towards her when she was so emotionally abusive towards me. And maybe it’s good I am not feeling it as much. Like it’s not right, to love someone who hurts you.

So my heart is kind of broken. I want to behave honourably though, like I don’t want to hurt her back, even though I am so angry and upset. And so I haven’t lashed out the same way she did, which is good. But also, oh man. I just feel like this might be the end of our friendship. And as friendships go it was a long deep connection, like a decade and a half long friendship. And what makes me so sad is that in all that time, 99% of it was great and wonderful and I was so happy to have her in my life. But this whole email thread, and the months of build up to this point, they were some really really shitty times. And I felt like I was being isolated, and there was this intense hatred of people I was romantically interested in, and it felt like a lot of shit was being forced onto me so I would start thinking about life the same way she did.

And normally I am actually, even with the bipolar, a positive forward thinking person. Like I worked really hard on myself to get to this headspace, and to have good things in my life and know my worth and have confidence in my decision making abilities. And I am doing things in my life that feel positive, like things in my community, and with my art practice, and with my work life, and trying to nurture my still kind of new friendships and social groups here in Toronto. And it felt like, that was kind of changing, and like not so much those things but maybe my view of life and the world and all kinds of things, to see things as being quite a bit darker than they really are. And I felt like the narrative I was supposed to buy into was that I was broken and fucked up and needing to do all this work on myself before I could even have a romantic relationship. But I feel like this fight made me see that differently, and that it’s not true. Cause I did a shitload of work on myself when I got sober, like so much work, and I’ve been in therapy a long time, and I feel like I have a good base for myself. And people can’t force someone to “heal” especially not if that person doesn’t need it. Like I think I am fine the way I am.

It’s kind of a revelation, to realize I am okay as I am. I have healthy friendships with people (mostly!), I feel good about myself usually, I am open to falling in love, I do things that make me happy. I feel like my life is pretty good. Which is why it’s been weird to see this months long attempt to convert me into someone who feels constantly victimized and unhappy with almost EVERYONE in my life. And I really do know that not everyone is trustworthy, but I still want to be able to extend myself to new people and take a risk by letting them in either as a friend or something more.

I think the other thing that makes me sad is how she knew she was upsetting and hurting me and barely apologized and then KEPT GOING. It’s like being in a scene and calling your safeword and the person just keeps hurting you even when you’re way past the threshold and it’s not okay anymore. Even tho I could see this downward spiral we were in, it was still sort of surprising and shocking and sad when this whole thing happened. Like, I guess it was the logical conclusion. I mean not really, but when I look at the recent history of our friendship I can see why it happened, she got really dark, and started being less and less respectful of me and my choices. And she kept crossing boundaries and I didn’t call her out on it, like it was really getting pushed. And she started really hating me saying anything about crushes or the like, or things about my family. And I guess I like having friends I can talk about cuties with, and it just got really fucking dark and hateful and I didn’t know what to do about it. And it’s not even that I want to end the friendship, I just want to end THIS, this paranoia and anger and random hatred of people and fostering resentments and treating me like an idiotic child. Like I want the behaviour to end, but I don’t know how to do that, and I don’t know how to rebuild this when she hasn’t tried to make amends, and I can’t change someone’s behaviour or how they treat me. Like it is out of my hands, and that is sad.

And I know I could forgive her if she really wrote heartfelt apologies and promised to change the way she was treating me. But I feel so dismal about that even happening. Her convictions about the situation are so strong, and her ability to use so much of what she knew about me against me was so shocking and chilling. It really is a betrayal, and sad.

And I am trying to find myself again while we take this two month long break. I want to get to know myself again and really assess who I am and my relationships with people. Because I do think overall things are positive. But I want to know what I feel about life when this pall isn’t hanging over me anymore. And when my view of sweet gentle moments with people aren’t poisoned by someone or rewritten. And I want to be a hell of a lot less cynical than I have grown to be over the last few months.