Monthly Archives: August 2017

Holidays! :D

Sooooo it’s really holidays time for me! It’s been kind of interesting, I had one day off, then a two day mental health first aid workshop, then another day off (today), and now nothing until next weekend when we head to the UK. And then two days of travelling in a foreign country where I don’t have to do anything work related, which is SO FUCKING AWESOME! I don’t even remember the last time I went to another country on a trip that wasn’t work related. Maybe when we went on a road trip in the States when Little Mister was still a bit of a baby. But that was a long time ago, a decade at least maybe more.

Mom is making all kinds of plans of what we are gonna do there. We are going to do a day trip to Stonehenge which is kind of fun! I hope it’s interesting, we’ll see! Going to see the Harry Potter sets, Tower of London, Mom wanted to go to Coronation Street sets in Manchester but now she has changed her mind. The first week we are traveling around Scotland, mostly rural Scotland. Mom and I have vowed not to have tapas in Inverness ever again. We went to a Tapas place there in 2008 and it was so horribly awful we have talked about it ever since.

We are a little freaked out about being in London for a week tho, I will admit. Acid attacks, random vans driving into people. It’s a sketchy time to be a human bean! Buuuuuuuut also we have wanted to be in London for a long time and it’s never really going to be a super safe time to be in any big city for the foreseeable future. Even here in Toronto.

The dogs are doing well. Little Mister and Posey tried to have a big fight over two danishes they stole from me, but I took them back and then they didn’t care anymore.

Mom and Auntie are excited for our trip too. I think it will be fun. I’m stoked! We’re going back to the little town where my Great Grandmother came from in Northern Scotland. I hope we can remember all the streets. There’s a specific house she grew up in and we saw it last time we were there. Also maybe we can finally find our ancestors in the graveyard.

It’s weird having free time. I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m so used to being so busy this year. It was really good to be so creative but also so fucking stressful having deadline after deadline. I need to pace myself better next year. On the other hand I had some decent money come in this year from time to time, which really really fucking helped.

I still have to do admin kinds of things, which is like, a pain, but also that’s never going to go away as long as I am an artist. And really it’s not so bad, the only thing that sucks is forgetting emails and being shitty at getting back to people because of that.

Anyway, I’m glad the bulk of the work I had to do this year is finally done. I can go to the UK without freaking out and needing to do shit or worry about things.

Wrapping up work (for now!)

Today is probably the last writing day for this script. Monday and Tuesday I am gonna do some quick editing/improving and then hand it in to my producers. I’m totally pleased that it’s gonna get into them on time so we can continue getting more development funds hopefully. I still feel like the beginning drags a bit though, and it gets so exciting at the end but the beginning needs to have a few more exciting plot points to it. I’m not sure how to resolve that but there’s time.

After that I’m on holidays! I will have the rest of August and then most of September to take a breather. I’ve been working non-stop since spring and it’s been really good for me but also I am so so so looking forward to kicking back for a little bit. This next week I have a two day Mental Health First Aid workshop to go to at Miziwe Biik, and this fall I am doing Queer ASL 101 Classes. I’m looking forward to those two things. I’m not really sure what I’ll learn, but I am always up for adding new skills. And being able to care for people around me in crisis and have some rudimentary communication skills with Deaf people is a good thing.

I’m going to try and go for another couple of grants, there’s a Toronto Arts Council deadline and an Ontario Arts Council deadline in October. Last time I got a TAC grant I applied for half of what other people applied for as established artists and while I did get it, I also felt I should have applied for the full $12,000. I’m gonna hear from Canada Council this fall if they are going to support a research creation grant to finish my Unity powered video game A Bipolar Journey (better name in the works). I know either way I am gonna finish it because it’s a good idea, but it would be really nice to get some living allowance for a while and not worry too much for the winter about how I’m gonna eat/live/survive.

PLUS I still gotta do a dramatic short so that I can get directing experience. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of what it could be about. I kind of know, but also I am really not totally sure. And from being on Arts Board juries I know narrative work isn’t like, a high priority. If I could do a short that was a dramatic narrative enough to give me some directing cred and recognition when we go for more Telefilm money, BUT ALSO experimental enough to appease the arts board juries, I think I could do it. That’s a really fine line to walk. And I think they call those calling card films, which I DON’T want it to be, like I want it to be able to stand alone enough as a work to go have a life on the festival circuit and hopefully win some awards. My Executive producer and Producer think if I go that route it should have something to do with the feature we are working on. I just don’t want to distill the feature down to something that isn’t big enough in terms of visuals.

BUT I have a friend who works in Montreal at a VFX company and she offered to do some pro bono work for me if I need it. Which makes me think MAYBE I could do a dramatic short with the green fire fx?? Like if I can get even a deal on that I could possibly make a short that has the elements of my feature. I’d need to shoot in the prairies probably if I do the thing I want, which might be weird for the budget. But we’ll see.

Anyway, even though work is wrapping up for the summer in the next few days, there’s still a shit load of stuff that’s gonna need to happen this fall, like marathon grant writing, and taking ASL classes, and HOPEFULLY (fingers crossed) doing some Unity programming again and drawing and finishing this video game. I FREAKIN REALLY WANT to be able to do the video game, because it’s sort of outside of my field of expertise and such a random weird thing to do, and I feel like it could be a really solid interesting work. I’m kind of thinking of VR/360 things to do too, but that’s like, also in the future and not an immediate thing. I’m just trying to figure out how to apply my filmmaking/video artist stuff to newer technologies. Or new to me technologies anyway. I could do the game anyway, it’s just nice to think I could get some money to help.

Personally things BESIDES my career are pretty good. I am going on a personal trip to the UK in September and travelling Scotland and then a week in London. It’s been so long since I did a trip that was non-work related, so I am SUPER excited to just be a tourist. I’m connecting with some friends there tho, so not horribly touristy. But I know we are gonna do some touristy things in London for sure. Emotionally I’m doing pretty good, I’ve been noticing my moods seem to shift a lot in any day, but while I wondered if that was my mood disorder, I’m now leaning more on it being regular emotional shifts. Mood disorders are so weird. Because really it’s emotions, and it’s hard to figure out what are normal natural emotions (even extreme ones) and what are symptomatic emotions. I’ve been connecting on deep levels with some old and new friends and that’s been really nice too. I stay at home a lot and am shy so in some ways I come across as an introverted homebody, but also I really like having one on one connections with friends that are meaningful and that doesn’t really happen for me in a group situation. There’s probably more I could say but I don’t want to. My friend Riki is out of town for the rest of the month, and then I go away just before she comes back, so I’m not gonna see her for a month which sucks. But like, you know, people have to do things in their lives.

I’ve been getting accepted and rejected into/from film festivals on an almost 1:1 ratio lately, which has been super interesting to watch. It’s always the queer festivals rejecting me actually, which is super funny. Not ALL of them tho, but yeah, my production values aren’t high enough for them. That’s what I get for being a 2 spirit gender queer dyke punk video artist. Sigh! Or they just don’t get it. Not sure. OR it doesn’t fit their programming. I mean whatever. I am probably submitting to the wrong mainstream fests. BUT the festivals my current work is getting into is pretty interesting. I have given up predicting where videos will end up, because it always ends up at really surprising places. Like I did not expect an experimental super 8 film about disability and self injury would end up at Tribeca. What???! That still surprises me. There are a couple festivals I can always be sure I’ll screen at tho and that’s nice to know. And the Indigenous festivals show me a lot which is nice.

Someone I was pitching a project to told me it wasn’t feasible because there wasn’t enough market for Indigenous work, like it wouldn’t get picked up by territories other than North America for distribution. It was such a weird comment, and really not realistic. I know industry people believe that kind of racist crap (some of them) but also there really are Indigenous people all over the world and we don’t just want to see work from local Indigenous people. Like we do care about each other globally. It’s not like I only care about the Plains Cree people. Anyway so weird. Ha ha random.

Well, I should go wander off and chill out and prepare myself for my last ten to twelve pages of writing I need to do. It might take more than that. I might write all weekend. But I’ve been pacing myself and I think today might be the last day! 😀

Lacklustre Post

Hey hey! Here’s the centrefold of the first and only issue of Fit of Pique the ZINE based on this blog but also I just drew and wrote a bunch of stuff. I made it for a class! Some guy was an asshole to me about it tho cause I wrote a story in there about being a psychiatric survivor so it diminished me as a human being in his eyes. This is actually not a unique experience I have had, it has happened before about other aspects of my identity.

ANYWAY~! It’s Saturday night and I’m just hanging out at home. I cleaned the place so I don’t feel like a jerkface. I used to be a mega slob, then I quit weed and suddenly had energy and desire to not live in filth anymore. So it’s not too bad, sometimes there’s stuff on the floor but it’s getting better.

Today was a fucked up day, I think we can all agree. Literal nazis rallied in the USA and literal nazis killed antifa protestors. And the ACLU helped the nazi’s get their permit to rally reinstated, which makes me fucking suspicious of the ACLU now.

And then the President didn’t really come out strongly against it because a) he knows white supremacy got him into power, and b) he is also a white supremacist.

So, I dunno. Life is really sketch on this planet. So you can read this image and have a laugh or a cringe that has nothing to do with contemporary politics. Hell it was drawn in 2005 that’s a long time ago.

I’m in a relatively good mood, although earlier this evening I had like, cry eyes, like not crying but like I MIGHT CRY! Like some tears lining up to paratroop out and then changing their minds. And it wasn’t even related to fuckin anything, it was just like, feeling disappointed in myself as a person. And then it went away.

You know I was gonna try and write a really good post today. But I am fuckin wiped out and I need to hit the hay soon. And I’m just gonna hit publish. The main thing you can see is the pic anyway, which I hope makes up for the lacklustre content tonight!

In which I say I’m not gonna talk about therapy then do it anyway

Therapy day was today. YAY! Ha ha! I am not gonna talk all about here what I talk about there. Obviously. And I don’t really talk about here what I talk about in my very secret diary, because really it’s just interpersonal stuff there. BUT I will say that I’m relieved I have gotten a therapist who is open minded about things like me being at the bathhouse and polyamory stuff and all kinds of random queer shit I have going on at any point in my life. It’s easier to work through things when someone is non-judgemental about that stuff.

I remember once I had a counselor I was trying to talk to about a relationship I was in at the time, and I mentioned someone else that person was dating. I forget if their other partner at the time was a woman or a man, but ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the fact they were dating someone else made everything really suspect. And it turned into this very uncomfortable lecture about how the only healthy relationships are monogamous. And I realized then and there I suddenly COULD NOT talk about my relationships with this counselor, because she just wouldn’t understand. And that is a pretty major part of anyone’s life.

To be real, I could do monogamy as easily as polyamory. I’ve only ever done polyamorous relationships so far though, just because they tend to be more common in the circles I run in. BUT YEAH I would like to be able to talk about things like this with my therapist. So I am glad I have one who is decent about it.

She’s not even judgey about psychics. I was trying to to say something about visiting this psychic and wondering if it was real and maybe I’m just in control of my destiny because not everything she said would happen has happened. And my therapist was just like “Maybe psychics have some good points AND you are in control of your destiny.” I dunno, she’s just a really good therapist for me.

She always gives me goals after and I write them down and then lose the paper. I’m worried someone’s gonna find it someday and be like “Why do you have to talk to these two people? Why are you needing to write letters to exes? Why do you need a reminder to eat breakfast and go to bed? What is this about?” And I’d probably grab it and eat it in front of them just to throw them off asking such invasive questions.

Or I’d yell “It’s therapy homework, Nosey!”

The funny thing is one person has been therapy homework for almost three months about trying to repair a wounded relationship with them (non-romantic). And I tried a few times and it really failed in a sad way, not a complete Door Closing way but more like a go away for now way. And so anyway, they are on the therapy homework list again so I have some kind of accountability to continuing trying to repair this otherwise lovely friendship with someone I like. EXCEPT I think to repair it I have to dredge up unpleasant things, and that’s what’s holding me back because I’m like “Fuck that feels like a shitty thing to do to someone.” Like to bring up this painful thing and then be like “Let’s talk about it because I miss being your friend, even tho this is way more painful to you than it is to me.” I’m not an emotional sadist in any way, so it’s difficult.

I’m heading off this weekend for Montreal. So I’ve got to think and write my script. Which was my other therapy homework, to keep writing and finish by the end of the month. So that’s what I’m gonna do.

The dogs have already gone to the sitter. And I’ve been pretty sedentary the last few hours so I think I’m gonna do a pick up/sweep/floor wash to cap off my day.