As terrifying as it is comforting

I got notes back on my outline so it’s back to writing a whole bunch. And I have a little bit left to do on the Animation. But I’m thinking weekends were a good idea, I think that should be something artists look forward to also. I am trying to limit my workload today and tomorrow to just reading all the notes and thinking while I also do fun things like dip back into Netflix and also dig out my copy of Mulholland Drive and watch it again. Yesterday I went to a barbecue which had like, I think, about five kinds of meats. Pretty amazing! Today I just walked Posey and looked at stuff online, but it gets slow on the weekends because people are out living their lives and doing fun things. Which is good, I guess. I need to do more fun things.

Although this last week was pretty amazing, I got to go to my cousin’s wedding reception and see a bunch of friends and my other cousin. I bought tickets to Tori Amos on Wednesday or something and it was like, so exciting, we didn’t get great seats, BUT it’s Tori Amos and I have wanted to see her play live for like, more than half my lifetime. Like I’ve been a fan ever since Under the Pink. Which probably came out when I was a young teenager. And my first manic episode I was fucking OBSESSED with Scarlet’s Walk. It’s pretty cool because Tori’s show is this fall and I saw PJ Harvey this spring and my second major manic episode I was obsessed with PJ Harvey’s album Stories from the City Stories from the Sea. And this year is the ten year anniversary since the last episode, and I feel like I’m in a pretty good place and won’t go manic again for a while. Hopefully by now I know when to get help before things go too crazy.

The first time I went manic I had fallen in unrequited love with a soon to be best friend and it was a mess. My psychiatrist actually told me then that falling in love is a major stress and it could have been totally likely one of the contributors to me going nuts. It’s a little scary, there was an antidepressant which I think was the main reason it happened tho. It just happened to coincide with this love event. BUT ALSO the last time I went manic I had also fallen in love. And that was another big mess. What the hell? I have had some fond feelings towards people since, and some of it felt like love but I wonder if it was really that serious? Is love going to make me flip out again? BUT also I went off my meds the last time, which is really probably the biggest reason it happened. Like I just can’t function without meds anymore, I don’t know if I ever really could though. Life’s a lot better on them though. Like normal.

A hallucination once told me I would live a normal life, which was as terrifying as it was comforting. It had a weird voice actually. You know what it sounded like? It sounded totally like those voice changers they do for people who are trying to be anonymous on TV and tell stories about like, some dangerous gang like the Hells Angels or something. Like a male version of that. So trippy. And when it happened I was already medicated again and coming down from psychosis and actually I think it was the last “symptom” of that I had. Which was a relief. But yeah I already knew by then it was not normal because I had a better grasp on reality at that point. Once I was talking to someone who had lived through psychosis and she said she knew she was okay when she walked down the street and saw a card on the ground, like the jack of hearts or something, and she was like “That means nothing to me!” ha ha! OMG it’s so true. Like things all seem to have huge meaning behind them in psychosis, and when I’m sane I can see something and not make a huge story around what it means and how it’s telling me something.

Anyway, besides that, life is pretty good. I have money in my bank account, probably the most important thing for surviving in this capitalist system. I need to get some groceries actually, I’ve been eating out a lot and it’s not good for being frugal. I hung out with someone really fun this last week for ice cream. I also went to the witch store and got a book called Gay Witchcraft. I haven’t bought a witchy book since I was 14 (besides Tarot card books) so it’s kind of exciting. I did some work on this animation.

I caved and got the Adobe Creative Cloud membership for the next year, which is like, a bunch of money, BUT ALSO really really good for me and I hadn’t realized what a game changer it would be. I’ve been limping along with FCPX and GIMP and it’s just not enough. But these programs all work together really well and as long as I have the membership they will be current programs, and I dunno, it’s kind of amazing. I also found out I’m getting trillium payments every month this year, which will cover most of the cost of these monthly fees for Creative Cloud. I was gonna rip it off, I admit, but I get sketched out by pirated software. So I’m actually glad I’m paying for it.

Since I got the new Macbook Pro I also had to get a new Microsoft Office, a new Final Draft 10, and these Adobe programs. Which isn’t too bad for new software. Apparently my old Final Draft software is incompatible with the current OSX, and crashes when you try to save to PDF. Which makes it pretty useless, since my editor and producers and other people need to read my scripts on PDF if they don’t also have Final Draft. And the new Macbook itself is a dream. It is so responsive and hasn’t crashed and multiple programs can work at the same time and it’s fine with heavy graphics programs and basically I am in love with it. AND even better is it doesn’t get as hot as my old laptop used to get (which is probably one of the reasons it kept having issues). The fans are just really good and quiet and it isn’t like, burning my legs.

Anyway, I don’t have a good ending for this post. It’s been a rambly post. Mostly I’m going to enjoy this weekend and work hard this week and I need to make some deadlines for some things and it will all be good! I’m sure there are other things going on that I’m not going to talk about here. But basically I am pretty happy these days. Not manic happy tho. Just pretty pleased.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.