But you gotta have friends…

My outline is handed in! I had a really intense go of it finishing up the ending to make it even more horrific. I was writing all these really violent things and being like “Holy shit where is this coming from?” and some of it is like, defensive “righteous” violence and some of it is like, perpetrator stuff, and all of it is disturbing. But I finally got closer to where I think it needs to be as a horror film, because I felt like I was pulling punches before and just skimming over the truth of the subject matter. So I feel happier with it. Next I get more notes and get to work on the script again. I’m really under pressure but for me that is good. I feel like people are kind of going to be surprised at how uncomedic it is. ALTHOUGH I dunno maybe I am funny anyway. Some people think I am funny when I am being serious. it’s a curse.

I’ve been enjoying air conditioning, meanwhile. It’s great! It’s such a relief to be outside during a hot day sweating away and knowing when I get inside that suffering is over. I’ve just been coping with it for two years and now it’s finally done! I can chill out and even sleep under my duvet again. The dogs are happy too. And I am happy they won’t die of heatstroke. AND I am happy I won’t die either, because my meds might make me unable to regulate my body heat. I don’t know if that’s true for me in particular, but it’s a possibility and every time there’s a heat warning, it says something about how children, the elderly, and people on psychiatric medications need to stay cool. I think there’s a couple other people they include in those warnings but I don’t remember now. Either way, I like staying inside and not having to go lurk around Loblaws freezer section anymore to chill out.

I’ve got a bit more work to do on this animation since I got some suggested changes to make. So I’m taking a break the rest of today, but tomorrow I’m going to try and get back to it. I need to find a missing line, and make some things move and change a thing and add some things. So I’m gonna do that and then hopefully it will be ready for them to keep as a resource. I’m basically a technician on this project, which is pretty interesting, and it is volunteer work which makes me feel good. I’m glad my skills are handy.

I’ve been in a pretty good mood lately. I had therapy yesterday, and it was interesting to talk about that one fucked up weekend and how I got over it in like 48 hours. It was such a weird blip. And a little bit scary. But also underscored that I need to further develop my friendship/support network here so I can reach out to a couple more people. It was unfortunate because one of my best friends here happened to be out of town when I was really in distress, and my Mom who I normally reach out to was one of the people I was crabby at. So, I think rather than burden one or two people with my emotional labour needs, if I could spread it out in a more mutually reciprocal way that would be good. Like obviously I know I can’t just take from a friend without giving back too. So finding the right people I can do that with is important. And I’m having some fluctuating closeness/distance with a few friends right now, erring more on the “distance” side unfortunately. So I’m trying to work that out with a couple of them at least. I’m not the greatest at trying to smooth things over with friends. Like have you seen that NFB animation “The Big Snit?” Sometimes I feel like that guy, like when his wife is crying because of the scrabble fight, and she’s in a room by herself, and he comes along to stare at her, and then he pokes her and she bursts into tears and runs away. I feel like that guy! Like so inept. I don’t have really good opening lines for discussing interpersonal issues with friends. I think I’m more upfront with lovers, but that’s like, a long time ago. And friends and I are just like, oh man. Like you don’t really think about how much work goes into maintaining healthy friendships until you hit a snag and realize you don’t want to lose your pal and also don’t know what combination of words and actions is going to make them feel better/trust you/accept that things might be changing in your life but you still love them. It’s hard! And I’m not talking about passing acquaintances either, these are people you have poured some amount of secrets and love into and really enjoy being around and feel better for having them in your life. Like they aren’t just “friends” they are like, the type of people you would be lovers with if you had that chemistry too. So it’s difficult.

People devalue friendships, I think. Like they consider them less-than romantic relationships. It’s why dudes get so mad when a woman they like wants to be friends instead of lovers. Like, dude, you can have a fulfilling friendship with a woman too. Actually a few of my best friends started out as crushes. But you know, they change when it’s established there’s not feelings from the other side. Like one of my best friends started out as a massive crush. And now she and I have been friends for 14 years. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for a long time, so having close friends really helps me get my emotional needs met. It’s kind of nice anyway. Except for when I screw up and end up trying to figure out how to bridge the divide again.

Anyway, blahhh! I’m going for dumplings with my cousin Steven soon, who is visiting from Saskatoon. He drove me nuts as a roommate but that’s long over since I moved here, and he is my cousin and I do love him and he does love dumplings so I’m excited to take him to my all time favourite dumpling place.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.