Lez cause some trouble

It’s not gonna be Canada Day anymore by the time I hit publish on this post. So I may as well talk about other things. Canada and Colonialism kind of absorbed me this last while anyway, like all my fb feed was anti-Canada Day and anti-Canada 150 and it’s important and all but also wears me out. But thank you, friends, for being so upfront about how problematic this day was. And is. And thanks to the allies who raised up issues also. The resistance salutes you.

I’ve spent almost a whole week doing work AND being with my Mom. But soon she is leaving, like in less than 48 hours. So I’ll be alone with the dogs again, and more productive. I’m looking forward to it. I need my space back, and as much as I love her I hate sharing a bed with her because she snores and makes weird huffly noises. And takes up space in the bed. And yeah, it’s just weird. I might actually sleep on the couch tonight. I slept on the couch last night after I had to admit I could not fall asleep next to her. It was uncomfortable, I wasn’t laying on the full length of the couch and my head got turned to an awkward angle. So, at least I slept, which is better than what was going to happen if I stayed in bed with her. I’ve only got two more nights of this and I’m back to having the space all to myself! No one telling me to make them coffee!

The fireworks tonight freaked out my pups. When we came back from a movie, fireworks had already been happening in the neighbourhood and the dogs were nowhere to be seen. Eventually they came running out from under the bed. Little Mister came and got snuggles, but Posey hid under the couch until the fireworks were over. I’m glad I didn’t take them outside this evening. And on these pet groups I belong to, all these run away dogs are getting posted. Poor things.

I’m in a strange mood these days. Like hopeful and dubious at the same time, if that makes sense. I can’t really talk about the whys on my blog though because it involves privacy issues, ha ha mostly about me and my feelings. I sometimes wonder if someone likes me, and it makes me feel hopeful, and then I get really really dubious and am all like maybe not, maybe it’s just gals being pals. Awkward! Like I know I should take subtle hints better, but sometimes I’m just like “nooooo that’s too much to hope for!” And my dating history is so weird, with a lot of really lukewarm attention from lovers who were really just, I don’t know, wasting some time until they found someone better. I mean I am doing therapy about it.

Ahh shit I still have therapy homework to do. Which I haven’t been able to get down to because of all this visiting and having a guest and stuff. Like I’m trying to see the big picture and just be a really together honest loving girlfriend for someone some day, and so I have been trying to consistently work on myself at least so at least one thing is good. I can’t control all the variables but I can control me. And when I think about where I was even just six years ago versus where I am now, there’s been major improvements and upgrades. Like that addictions thing has been under control for five years, and because of it I’m way more in touch with my emotions and I try to be more considerate and my career is better, blah blah blah. I would have been a shitty girlfriend back then and I know it because I’ve seen how much my life has changed. And not that I’m an awful person, or was an awful person, more that dealing with my addictions helped me get my life and mental health back to a really healthy baseline. God I don’t even smoke anymore. That was the hardest to give up! And I even have tobacco in my house for offerings and ceremonial reasons and I never feel like I’m gonna go light it up and smoke it away.

So anyway, it’s just weird trying to be cute and also being me and doing what I do for a living and having this tell all ongoing autobiographical art blog that they could easily reference, including my upset posts interspersed with like “today I wrote a page of script and toasted a bagel.” And I also got a tinder match and I’m like yeah I should probably answer that message it is probably good karma for my dating life to not just leave things hanging even when they aren’t going anywhere. Or maybe they will I don’t know I’m not a psychic!

I did see a psychic a few times, and every time it got to my dating life they kind of said some things that made sense, but ultimately didn’t always get it right or saw women showing up sooner than they did or weird things like just, not quite being solid predictions. And I kind of think now it’s really up to me and maybe no one can predict what is going to happen for me romantically. I guess that’s okay. There was one really interesting comment they made about “moths” tho and how there were these people drawn to me but not really like, into doing a serious thing or taking me seriously as a partner or being able to give me what I want. It actually made a lot of sense for what was going on at that period in my life. That was a weird period. OH and one consistent thing they have been saying is I AM going to eventually find someone I will be in a really good, happy, stable relationship with for the rest of my life. Which is hopeful for sure. The timeline has been off about that though, sometimes they’ve said it’s sooner than other times they have seen it happening.

Oh god I’m tired. Am I really going to hit publish on this? I hope my contemporary crush doesn’t read it and figure out it’s her and feel weird. I try not to talk about crusholas and dating in anything but the most vague ways here. Because I really don’t want someone to read this and think if they date me I’m gonna be like writing intimate details of their life on here too. Ha ha fuck I am gonna hit publish on this. They should change the “publish” button to one that says “Lez cause some trouble!”

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