I am in such a pissy mood right now. And being bipolar there’s a lot of pressure to always be fucking cheerful and pleasant and DON’T rock the fucking boat and if people do wrong by you then whatever you can just keep smiling because otherwise they’ll say you’re crazy and moody. Fuck that! I am not a cheerful pleasant person right now. I am frustrated and angry and my social sphere is shrinking and there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that because I’ve alienated like, two people who I used to be on good terms with, and it’s not coming back. And I’m not like, in a conciliatory mood right now either. I can’t go tell people who seriously pissed me off or who I seriously pissed off that I can make it up to them or that whatever it’s okay I would do anything to be their friend again.
Ugh. So fucking mad. And it’s like crying mad it’s not even like, wall punching mad. Which is a shitty kind of mad to be anyway because A) it’s violent and B) now you have to fix your fucking wall. And I’m riding out the death gasps of my Macbook Pro until my new Macbook Pro arrives and it’s got a cracking screen and the keyboard doesn’t work so it’s got an external keyboard and it kind of sums up my frame of mind where I have been doing all these internal accommodations and really shoving down a lot of feelings and it’s not good and it’s kind of like, oh shit, the dam is bursting, and I have to stay off Facebook or I’m going to alienate a whole slew of friends with my angry mood. Yes that was a run on sentence and I don’t give a fuck!
Like I don’t get mad so often. But when I do it’s like, ARGH! FUCK! I’m so irritated. I’m irritated by the way people treat me. I’m irritated with the way the world is going. I’m frustrated that there’s this shitty power dynamic in the world that puts people like me at the bottom. And the funny thing is what tipped it over the edge was that my Mom was ignoring me when I would call her tonight. Like she would answer, but every time I talked she would talk right over me. EVERY TIME. And it was pissing me off so I made a facebook post about it and then a couple friends did the laughing react which made me see red and I had to get off facebook before I alienated more people.
I’ve only ever punched one person in my life, and it was my cousin, and we were 11. I have all these angry angry thoughts A LOT of the time, but I never do anything about them besides write them out. But it still pisses me off when people treat my anger or sadness as diminutive and of no consequence. Just because I’m not roundhouse punching people at the bar doesn’t mean I’m not seriously pissed off.
And yesterday there was this big long thread on my wall about how bipolar disorder can be treated by vitamins and ayahuasca and I’m just like nope nope nope. Vitamins will just give you expensive pee. And the pharmaceutical companies you hate, guess what, they make the vitamins too. Anyway that pissed me off especially when she suggested I was gonna get diabetes from my medication. You know what? I’m Indigenous, there’s a pretty safe bet I’m gonna get diabetes regardless.
Anyway, ha ha I don’t know, I wonder if I should post this on my facebook, but I’m trying to stay away from it because it will just piss me off more. But no one reads my blog if I don’t post it on facebook. I hate facebook man. It’s a trap. And it keeps people from posting art that has nudity in it, yet you can see all kinds of fucked up violent animal abuse and rape and shit on it. Or hate propaganda that for whatever reason doesn’t “violate community values.” You know what you can do with your community values Mark? You can shove them right up your ass!
Anyway, now FB has that Pride react which is cute, but rainbowing everything is kinda weird. Especially since it says right on it “PRIDE.” Jeez. I don’t know where it’s appropriate so I’m just priding selfies of people or cute animal videos or gay things, of which there are plenty.
And you know, fakebook makes me be a different person, a way more self-censored person. Like some of my rage against Canadian racism and good old Canadian white supremacy gets watered down on FB because again, I don’t want to alienate my white “allies” or “in laws” or whatever weird relationships I have with white people that really aren’t healthy if they can’t handle some Indigenous rage in their feed. Also I’m pretty sexual, even as a single person. And I see some gay male friends being a lot more overt about sex in their feeds, and I am envious, because if I talk about coming or fisting or this crazy new sex toy I got or thinking of going to the neighbourhood bathhouse on women and trans night, then people are gonna be bitchy about it and report me and get my account disabled. Like my Mom’s friends, or old high school friends, or just general heterosexual prudes on my friends list. And I know there’s a way I could possibly make an Overshare list on FB to just share to like minded pervs, but that also sounds like a lot of work.
Anyway. I’m feeling a little bit better. Although my social circle is still small and I still can’t talk to my mom or she’ll talk over me and not be interested in what I have to say. And I am still crying and angry, just feeling like, well, I’m not going to punch the wall still. And I haven’t deactivated fakebook. But I am still frustrated.
But it’s almost 11pm. I can still have an orgasm before bed and chill out. Like, there are things to do. And tomorrow I can go back to doing some writing, because I have a deadline by the end of next week. And there’s still Twitter and Tumblr. Sometimes when FB pisses me off I go there. Twitter is a lot more political, the Tumblr stuff I post is often ridiculous. Like once I reposted this woman having sex with a fucking machine while in bondage on the front of a truck zooming down the highway and it said “How it feels to chew 5 gum” and made me laugh so hard. Anyway, that obviously can’t go on Facebook, which is fine because my family would have a cow. There are still great and majestic places to waste one’s time on the internet besides facebook.