Monthly Archives: June 2017

Vancouver! 2017

Last night in Vancouver! I’m so tired but I had a really good time. I saw a whole bunch of friends and my ex sweetie Amber Dawn and it was nice remembering this community and feeling like I hadn’t been forgotten or anything. I did live here for nine years, most of my 20’s, it was a major fundamental place while I grew into an adultier adult. Things have changed, a few things are the same. My friends are getting more grey hair, but have the same sweet funny crazy personalities they always did. Amber Dawn is married and I finally FINALLY met her wife which was nice because I’ve only seen pictures of them online. My friend Lynn took me for a drive with her pack of shih tzus and that was fun, also she made me this spectacular boobie/barbie cake and let me draw my tattoos on her. I had a good screening, I wasn’t sure how it would be received but I got a lot of people coming up to say they liked it, and good feedback, and it’s always interesting being able to see how the audience reacts. So that was good.

I had some good one on one times with friends too, and it was a pretty good longish weekend. The only thing was I was so social that I kept feeling social overload. I’m fairly introverted, so I like having a few hours alone everyday and that just didn’t fit in with the schedule for seeing everyone. So I tried my best to avoid being crabby, which is what happens when I get overwhelmed with social stuff. But I think I did pretty good. Tomorrow I’m flying back, so I won’t have to visit anyone on the plane. And then I get one night to myself and Mom comes to stay for a week. I’m gonna take a couple breaks apart from her tho so we don’t overwhelm each other with mother/daughter stuff. I have friends to see in Toronto too when I get back so it’s not gonna be ALL Mommy ALL the time. And she has beading to do and I have to animate something AND write.

I did pick up my air conditioner before I left town, so it’s sitting in a box in my unit. Mom promised to help me install it, so it’s just waiting there. My friend Candie says I should tell women I have air conditioning to entice them to come over. Ha ha! It is a draw tho for reals.

I miss my dogs, but I was too busy to worry about them much, and this is the second time they have stayed with my cousin and her family, so I feel better about it and like they aren’t being hellions. Posey is the one I worry about the most, she’s such a weirdo, but I guess she is fine without me. She feels defensive of me and it sets up weird things. Amber Dawn and I were talking about this actually because she had a weirdo dog once, and I haven’t had a sleep over guest while I’ve had Posey, and I’m probably going to have to put her in a crate. Even when Riki stayed with me after my surgery I had to crate Posey because she was trying to defend me. Someday I hope to get a girlfriend who’s willing to put in the time to make friends with Posey and have a decent doggy friendship with her. Because honestly she’s the most adorable sucky baby dog once she trusts you. And she does trust new people, in the right circumstances.

I’ve got two things with two deadlines coming up, then one of them will roll over into a new bigger deadline and then I’m not sure what’s on my schedule after that. But I’m glad so many of my commitments are finished now. It’s stressful.

I was gonna try to go to Montreal in July, but I think it’s not gonna happen. My friend WAS gonna let me stay with her, but she got too many AirBnB bookings and has no room. Another friend was gonna check if she has space in her guest room but never got back to me. August I am doing something. What the hell am I doing? Maybe nothing. September I go to the UK with my Mom and Auntie for two weeks, and in October I need to go to Northern Ontario to help lead a workshop for a week or something. SO BUSY!

SO I guess I’ll be in Toronto for July and August. I’m glad I have an air conditioner. It’s brutal otherwise. So brutal!

There’s actually a heatwave in Vancouver right now, but it’s not so bad for me. I don’t know why. Maybe I am used to horrible Toronto heat.

Anyway, I should probably crash and stop writing this rambly blog post. I was happy to see all my old friends. I’ve missed them. Tomorrow morning I’m heading off to the airport and back home.


I was busy with TQFF the last few days, which was fun. I saw most of the films before, but it was nice being around and sometimes helping and sometimes feeling deeply socially awkward because that’s the kind of person I am! 😀 Ha ha you have to own that kind of stuff I guess.

I’m going to be working on my Canada Council Research/Creation grant application to try and finish this video game I was working on. I was going to get back to working on it anyway, BUT if I could get living allowance while I do it and some bucks to throw at some helpers that would be nice. Also having Photoshop would help for making assets. I toy with the idea of getting a Cintiq but I am totally not that involved in illustrating normally, and also the beginning of my video game is already made with scanned in drawings that are processed so it would kind of ruin it in terms of continuity.

My head hurts. It’s warm again today. I curse it! Ha ha jk.

I have an extension on my writing, so I’m going to work more on it and give it space to breathe a bit and then polish it up for my editor in July when he is free again. I need to be a bit more ruthless, it’s on the borders of being a thriller or a horror but it’s not horrific enough for horror although it definitely could go that route. I don’t watch a lot of horror is the thing, I am sometimes surprised I’m even writing about this topic, although I feel like I know the story intimately now after working with it for so long.

The pups are fine. I am fine. I am doing WAY better than last weekend and feel more like myself and safer. I’m glad that was over so quick.

I’m going to Vancouver this week! Just for a few days. I get to see old friends and old girlfriends (ha ha ok only one old girlfriend) and do arty job things like show my newest experimental video Thirza Cuthand is an Indian Within the Meaning of the Indian Act. And I guess do some press. My friend Lynn has promised to make me a cake! 😀 Looking forward to a whirlwind trip! The pups are going to my cousin’s house.

I’ve been so busy I’m down to boxer briefs. Which I hate. I don’t know if I have spoons or time to do laundry today, so I might be down to Pilsbury Doughboy Boxers tomorrow which is when I know it’s gone way too far. I am running out of my nice tshirts too, everything else is political and confrontational and I try to avoid wearing them just wandering around my neighbourhood because I don’t want to get hassled. I’m a chicken!

Things are nice though, I am feeling like I have more connections to people, and a friend and I might see each other tonight, and I have an air conditioner on order so this summer should be miles better than last. Mom is coming next week, after I get back from Vancouver. She has an opening at the AGO she wants to be at, and then just some mother-daughter visiting. With air conditioning. Can you tell the air conditioning is very important?

Anyway, every thing has been super gayyyyyyyyy around here. I’d say Queerrrrrr but that doesn’t look as good as Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Back to our regular scheduled programming…

After Emotional Distress weekend, I actually had a good day today. Monday was a bit hard too to be honest. But today things felt a little more resolved, and I got to talk to one of my best friends who was very helpful and kind and I love her I’m so glad she’s in my life.

My Macbook Pro is arriving tomorrow! It’s so exciting! I’m stoked! I am currently Carbon Copy Cloning my current Macbook Pro so that once I know it’s all properly transferred I can wipe this one and give it away to someone who wants to refurbish it. At this point it needs a new keyboard AND screen and I don’t want to put the money into it. But someone I’m sure could use it.

I did some creative work that was sorely overdue today. I have a deadline for it coming up soon, and I had some Writer’s Hesitation (plus I was so goddamn busy, then had Distress Weekend). Anyway, I did a good chunk of it tonight, and will work tomorrow in the day, and then on and on until it’s done later this week. I am hoping it will be finished this weekend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, so I am hoping I have resolved some issues that need addressing. I rewrote the opening scene and it’s way more exciting and creepy.

Yesterday was brutally hot. I got heat exhaustion and had to wear a wet t shirt. Today has cooled down, but I still know I gotta get an air conditioner.

After talking with my friend today I’ve realized I need to specifically reach out to certain people when I am in distress. Mostly people on FB were like “oh, well, interesting, hope you come back to post” when my weekend was really like “Shit I think I might seriously injure and/or kill myself what the hell do I do now and I can’t go to the hospital because my dogs will die without me?” Writing on Facebook is like screaming into the void, with some people kicking you in the face because they think it’s funny. I’m just glad it’s over, it was such a shitty time. And there’s all this work I have to do and I know I can do it but that incident really interrupted my ability to be creative for a couple of days. It’s back now. But shit, I haven’t felt that bad in a long time. And having bipolar means people invalidate my emotional reactions a lot. As in “You don’t have a good reason to be mad at me, it’s because you’re fucking crazy!” So I was relieved that my friend validated them for me today. And really I’m doing pretty good as far as the mood disorder stuff goes, I’m taking my meds, I’m trying to look after myself. I’m mostly getting enough sleep. A long standing issue is not eating properly (as in starving myself too much) so if I can get that under control I think I’ll do even better.

I’ve blocked and deleted some people who I found to be interacting with me in a harmful way, and am going to continue doing that. I’m not gonna let fucking bullies stay on my facebook. If they want to be assholes they can go do it on someone else’s facebook, and that includes liking mean comments on my facebook. And invalidating my emotions. And being general pricks.

Only people who treat me respectfully are allowed in my private social media areas. I think it’s a totally reasonable expectation. And certain family members are just gonna live in a restricted setting from now on.

Deep Apprehension

I’m avoiding facebook right now because I’m finding my “friends” there to be more antagonistic and unsafe for me to interact with at this moment in time. What I really should do is claim my territory on my own spot on fb and do a mass unfriending. Because really there are just some shitty people who shouldn’t be able to comment on, react to, or see my stuff. But that’s such a headache. Really it makes the most sense tho. I’m just not ready to admit that my 700+ friends don’t all have my best interests at heart. It’s ridiculous though, I could easily cut 100 people and still have a network. Some people want to be my friends for work reasons though, but like, whatever, they can always ask me for my email or find me here. Like me posting 100 pictures of my dogs isn’t necessary for them to see to have a working relationship with me.

It’s just very frustrating when you know your friends and family don’t really respect you, or understand or validate that you have a range of emotions which are not going to all be complimentary towards them. And yes I am still pretty pissed off, but not going to punch a wall still. And I’m glad a couple of people checked in on me, including my Auntie Lori and an ex girlfriend. I’m pretty pissed at a couple of people in my family, who will remain nameless but will probably leave a shitty comment here anyway.

On the other hand, I haven’t logged into Facebook since around 1pm, and it’s actually kind of refreshing to not be inundated with ridicule. I know some people have left comments on my last posts, but I haven’t checked and part of me doesn’t really want to. Like I am genuinely expecting some shitty comments. On the OTHER hand, if I did go back and check and find some shitty comments, at least I will know who gets chucked out of my facebook “friends” list.

I had some shitty self harm urges today, but I’m ignoring them because I know how to cope with that shit. It’s just this shitty thing my brain goes to when I’m in distress. Like it’s so automatic, I don’t even know why. OMG but no one call the cops because if you really want to check in just call me. I’m not gonna jump off a bridge or anything. I just feel gross today because I’m disappointed in things the way they are. And even tho I feel gross and pissed off and in distress, I am not gonna cut myself or anything. Just blog and cry. I don’t know tho, do people think writing is self harm? I guess I piss some people off, but that’s not the same as me cutting up my arm. It’s all ideation anyway and nothing with an actual follow through. I’m just being honest about living with bipolar and having a couple of days of distress.

I’ve got shit to do this week though, so this blogging/crying thing is going to ease up for a while.

Having the dogs around is nice. They were being super cute and cuddly today. I had to go meet someone to do some storyboarding and audio recording today, but when I got back seeing the pups was nice. Even tho they are barky. I’m disappointed in certain people today. But like whatever, I know I can’t rely on people. And seriously the few people who did reach out made me feel a little better and validated my need to get off fb for a while.

I think maybe I should make an appointment with my therapist again soon. I have an appointment already, but sooner might be better.

I was on Twitter and Tumblr today instead, which was a nice alternative to fb. But didn’t have the same personal touch as fb. God why do I even want to go back to fb? It’s like an abusive relationship. Like I’m all “But it could change! Maybe if I prove I have feelings people will be nicer!” but it doesn’t work that way. But yeah, if I did some mass unfriendings I could possibly have a better experience there. There’s some people who have really pushed the envelope with me over time and I need to set some boundaries about it.

My Auntie Lori said maybe I feel raw because I just made a whole bunch of art. And that could be true. My last video which is showing in Vancouver was more personal and intimate than the other two comedies I did. I have a lot of feelings around it. And I’m literally naked and covered with dirt in it.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be off facebook. For all I know I might go back on later tonight. But on the other hand I have a lot of apprehension about the shit show my friends list is, and what shitty things people may have said. I was telling my Auntie how there’s this feeling I’ve only had since social media came around, where I know a comment is gonna be totally shitty and mean, BUT I also know I have to read it otherwise everyone else will read it and I won’t know what’s going on. And it’s this sinking in the pit of my stomach and a deep apprehension. It’s not fun and I have been feeling it a lot these days.

Pissy mood but at least I don’t have to fix the wall

I am in such a pissy mood right now. And being bipolar there’s a lot of pressure to always be fucking cheerful and pleasant and DON’T rock the fucking boat and if people do wrong by you then whatever you can just keep smiling because otherwise they’ll say you’re crazy and moody. Fuck that! I am not a cheerful pleasant person right now. I am frustrated and angry and my social sphere is shrinking and there’s not a whole hell of a lot I can do about that because I’ve alienated like, two people who I used to be on good terms with, and it’s not coming back. And I’m not like, in a conciliatory mood right now either. I can’t go tell people who seriously pissed me off or who I seriously pissed off that I can make it up to them or that whatever it’s okay I would do anything to be their friend again.

Ugh. So fucking mad. And it’s like crying mad it’s not even like, wall punching mad. Which is a shitty kind of mad to be anyway because A) it’s violent and B) now you have to fix your fucking wall. And I’m riding out the death gasps of my Macbook Pro until my new Macbook Pro arrives and it’s got a cracking screen and the keyboard doesn’t work so it’s got an external keyboard and it kind of sums up my frame of mind where I have been doing all these internal accommodations and really shoving down a lot of feelings and it’s not good and it’s kind of like, oh shit, the dam is bursting, and I have to stay off Facebook or I’m going to alienate a whole slew of friends with my angry mood. Yes that was a run on sentence and I don’t give a fuck!

Like I don’t get mad so often. But when I do it’s like, ARGH! FUCK! I’m so irritated. I’m irritated by the way people treat me. I’m irritated with the way the world is going. I’m frustrated that there’s this shitty power dynamic in the world that puts people like me at the bottom. And the funny thing is what tipped it over the edge was that my Mom was ignoring me when I would call her tonight. Like she would answer, but every time I talked she would talk right over me. EVERY TIME. And it was pissing me off so I made a facebook post about it and then a couple friends did the laughing react which made me see red and I had to get off facebook before I alienated more people.

I’ve only ever punched one person in my life, and it was my cousin, and we were 11. I have all these angry angry thoughts A LOT of the time, but I never do anything about them besides write them out. But it still pisses me off when people treat my anger or sadness as diminutive and of no consequence. Just because I’m not roundhouse punching people at the bar doesn’t mean I’m not seriously pissed off.

And yesterday there was this big long thread on my wall about how bipolar disorder can be treated by vitamins and ayahuasca and I’m just like nope nope nope. Vitamins will just give you expensive pee. And the pharmaceutical companies you hate, guess what, they make the vitamins too. Anyway that pissed me off especially when she suggested I was gonna get diabetes from my medication. You know what? I’m Indigenous, there’s a pretty safe bet I’m gonna get diabetes regardless.

Anyway, ha ha I don’t know, I wonder if I should post this on my facebook, but I’m trying to stay away from it because it will just piss me off more. But no one reads my blog if I don’t post it on facebook. I hate facebook man. It’s a trap. And it keeps people from posting art that has nudity in it, yet you can see all kinds of fucked up violent animal abuse and rape and shit on it. Or hate propaganda that for whatever reason doesn’t “violate community values.” You know what you can do with your community values Mark? You can shove them right up your ass!

Anyway, now FB has that Pride react which is cute, but rainbowing everything is kinda weird. Especially since it says right on it “PRIDE.” Jeez. I don’t know where it’s appropriate so I’m just priding selfies of people or cute animal videos or gay things, of which there are plenty.

And you know, fakebook makes me be a different person, a way more self-censored person. Like some of my rage against Canadian racism and good old Canadian white supremacy gets watered down on FB because again, I don’t want to alienate my white “allies” or “in laws” or whatever weird relationships I have with white people that really aren’t healthy if they can’t handle some Indigenous rage in their feed. Also I’m pretty sexual, even as a single person. And I see some gay male friends being a lot more overt about sex in their feeds, and I am envious, because if I talk about coming or fisting or this crazy new sex toy I got or thinking of going to the neighbourhood bathhouse on women and trans night, then people are gonna be bitchy about it and report me and get my account disabled. Like my Mom’s friends, or old high school friends, or just general heterosexual prudes on my friends list. And I know there’s a way I could possibly make an Overshare list on FB to just share to like minded pervs, but that also sounds like a lot of work.

Anyway. I’m feeling a little bit better. Although my social circle is still small and I still can’t talk to my mom or she’ll talk over me and not be interested in what I have to say. And I am still crying and angry, just feeling like, well, I’m not going to punch the wall still. And I haven’t deactivated fakebook. But I am still frustrated.

But it’s almost 11pm. I can still have an orgasm before bed and chill out. Like, there are things to do. And tomorrow I can go back to doing some writing, because I have a deadline by the end of next week. And there’s still Twitter and Tumblr. Sometimes when FB pisses me off I go there. Twitter is a lot more political, the Tumblr stuff I post is often ridiculous. Like once I reposted this woman having sex with a fucking machine while in bondage on the front of a truck zooming down the highway and it said “How it feels to chew 5 gum” and made me laugh so hard. Anyway, that obviously can’t go on Facebook, which is fine because my family would have a cow. There are still great and majestic places to waste one’s time on the internet besides facebook.

Macbook Pro being built as we speak! Or write or whatever

Yesterday they announced the new Macbook Pro’s, AND released them, so I tried to order one yesterday but my bank was being a dink. Then I managed to FINALLY do it today. I talked to a guy in Austin Texas named Steve and he was totally surprised when I listed out some letters for an apple card and said Zed instead of Zee. He’s never heard a Canadian say Zed before. That was pretty cute. But really he was so helpful and went through all the things with me and helped me figure out which adaptors to get. The adaptors and Microsoft Office are being shipped today, but the Macbook has to be specially built. So that won’t ship for another four or six days, and then take however long to actually get here. It’s pretty exciting!

Yesterday I finished writing my monologue for my experimental video I am doing this week. LAST VIDEO OF THE YEAR (so far) but it seemed ready and good so I recorded it today, and tomorrow I am going to start doing shooting of the visuals. I need to make some fake blood, get some cheese cloth, get some dollarama dirt, and think of some more imagery to use. I’m doing more performative stuff this time. It’s been an interesting trio of videos over the last couple of months, a really ridiculous spoof of lavalife, a comedic doc with some truths and lies, and now this totally serious experimental video.

I’m still in this situation where I need to direct a narrative dramatic short for my future as a director of a dramatic feature. I need to pick something really good to direct, and there’s a freaking Canada Council deadline approaching FAST and if I wait the next time they look at applications is not until November, and then I won’t hear until March. And I really do want to get some more money coming in. BUT ai! Jeez. Like I don’t know if I have a project built up enough to propose, besides my video game, which obviously ISN’T a dramatic short, and also when I applied last time with my game they really didn’t like it and didn’t give me a grant or even a “Highly recommend” which means they really weren’t going to give me a grant even if they had the money. Most unpopular! I still want to finish it, and I think I would have fun with it. But yeah, I don’t think they are into that project. BUT things have changed at Canada Council, and I COULD apply with another project (hopefully a dramatic short) in November AND apply with my video game for this round because it’s the most developed project I have that could use funding. Ha ha jeez just put my whole thinking process out here.

OKAY so I will try to write a better more exciting grant for my project. Maybe this time they can get a playable version of the game so far. It would be nice if they saw how it worked instead of a vague video that could be an animation for all they know. It’s hard because I’d be in a different category than my usual film/video category, and there are a lot of much more advanced media artists than I. I am kind of doing crossover work here. Anyway, I will throw my hat in the ring, AGAIN, and see what happens. The Council changed everything around, and seems to have more money. So who knows?

Either way, a new Macbook is coming, I got some good sound equipment, I recorded a monologue, I’ve made two videos so far, I have an outline to write, and a grant to prepare evidently. I also put my final report in yesterday. Things are doing pretty good. I’ve also had two requests from Berlin to screen an old work of mine (and I believe it’s already screened once last weekend) and I’m pretty happy about that. I need to screen more places! I’ve been submitting one of my other new vids to a bunch of places, but I won’t hear about that for a while.

Trying to shoot for three hours tomorrow, then write! After this video is done this weekend my workload is gonna mostly be writing, which I am happy about because I really need to concentrate on it. Still gotta make this deadline next week with it tho!

Waiting for my New Macbook Pro and it’s Release!

So I am sitting on a brand new couch from Ikea, with my foot on a brand new bench from Ikea, pretty happy with these things! It’s a super comfortable couch, I haven’t had a nap on it yet, but I am sure that will be pretty awesome when I finally do.

I’ve been waiting for my Macbook. I was going to order it, then heard they may be announcing all new Macbook Pro’s tomorrow. I’ve been holding off for a while. I really need a new Macbook Pro too because while I was in Winnipeg my Macbook started acting up and the YUIO keys alternately do and don’t work. And that’s like, three sometimes four vowels, so it really fucked with me. I have some writing work to do, so I was like freaking out and looking up every possible fix to get it working again. It looks like it’s a hardware problem though. I have an appointment with the Apple Store genius bar tomorrow, but I think I need to cancel it because I NEED to write a 20 page outline in the next two weeks, AND I have to shoot and edit a video this week. So I gotta keep it all at home, and not having ANY laptop would just screw up this crucial writing and video production week I have right now. I did go out and buy an external keyboard, which is saving my skin. I am writing on it right now, YUIO keys work no problem. It’s an awkward set up, but it’s working and temporary and as soon as I get a new Macbook Pro I can take this in to get fixed properly. Although it’s like, such a garbage laptop. 🙁

Today is the world Premiere of Riki and I’s video The Longform Lesbian Census, which should be fun. It’s at Buddies In Bad Times and a bunch of people are screening there.

I am waiting for some cheques! 😀 I hope they show up soon.

I am currently OFF welfare, because my assets are too high to qualify right now. But they said I could go back on when they get under 2500. I am going to try and stay off for a while though, I’m getting paid for my writing near the end of summer so if I can just hang on until then I’ll be ok! I’m really happy to be off Welfare, but also anxious about cash flow. I can still go through with my ODSP hearing though. I need to talk to legal aid though.

We got our plane tickets to Glasgow this past week. We head there, then go around Scotland, then Auntie Beth goes home and Mom and I head over to London. We were thinking of leaving from Glasgow, but London has flights leaving from Gatwick with Westjet, so we are going on one of those planes. I think it’s actually quite a smaller plane than the usual ones I have been on to go overseas. I guess we’ll see! More shit happened in London last night, which sucks. But I’m still determined to go! I know the threat level is really high right now. But, I dunno. I’m going to try and trust the universe.

I got some really good notes from my editor, so I am going to do some writing this afternoon before I go out. I need to get a foot back into it. Even if I wrote one paragraph today it would be a better start than where I am now. For me it’s always the first sentence that is the hardest, I over think it and make it all complicated, and then when I get into actually writing the thing it goes way better.

I also have to finish writing my monologue for the video I am shooting this week. I have some ideas floating around, but I haven’t really sat down to make a concrete plan for it. And I am getting the camera tomorrow, so I gotta be on the ball about this. It will be the third (and possibly final) video I have made in 2017. If I DO make more videos this year, it will probably be me finally finishing up my Webseries. But that needs more work still.

I have to get a draft of my script done this summer for the next Telefilm deadline. So the pressure is on! I know I can do it, I just want the outline to give me a good blueprint for my writing. It’s good for me to have deadlines though, I work well under pressure because of my ADHD. It’s a strange thing.

I had to cancel my Montreal trip in August. But maybe I will be able to go in July for a few days. I’m waiting to see if my other friend can put me up in her spare room. I also have to be here for the Blondie concert on July 26th. There are so many things happening this summer!

OMG I am so excited to get a new Macbook Pro. I really hope they release them asap!