OKC Frustration

I feel like there are things I want to talk about, but I’m either writing here or in my diary, and I’ve kind of said the same exact things in five consecutive diary entries. And I am no closer to an answer on it either. So like, I dunno, it’s not helping me work through that thing. What do you do when you can’t keep working through the same thing because you have no answers because it involves someone else? NOTHING! I have to move on I guess and try to think of other things in life.

I did some writing today, which I’m pretty happy with. I have two more days of writing then I am in a plane heading for Saskatoon and it’s really hard to write there. I’m gonna try though! My career depends on it. I find it helps if I put in headphones so no one can bother me.

The dogs are fine. We had a nice day, went for a walk and got drippy rain on us, Posey marched through her favourite puddle and Little Mister came with us. I dyed my hair last night and did my nails, which was a nice self care thing to do. I got hair dye on some clothes though which sucks. Even on my new bra! I’m sad about that, but also no one is gonna see it anyway.

I almost shut down my OKC this weekend. I feel pretty frustrated with online dating again. I know I should keep it around though because I did get a few dates out of it. I’m thinking of changing my wishy washy “I could do polyamory or monogamy” to “Looking for a monogamous relationship.” I could do poly, but do I have to??? I feel like the only reason I’ve done it all the time is because I didn’t have the self esteem to demand more from people. And is it really fair to do poly but not actually have more than one lover? Like, maybe I should just get one and that’s it, because I really only ever have been able to do one at a time. Once I had two lovers at once, but it’s because one girlfriend was an asshole. Ok that’s not true, I was gamely trying to be poly. But it kind of is true she was an asshole (not for the poly reason). I think I am just a big disappointment to the polyamorous lovers I have had in the past because I’m not romping around. And I’ve never been a big romping type. And why pretend? I don’t really care if they have other lovers, but I think THEY care that I DON’T have other lovers so maybe it’s a bad idea to keep going for the polyamorous types.

I sent what I thought was a cute message to a linguist on OKC, BUT I made a typo and only realized after I sent it. Then I followed that up with a ridiculous “I have already failed” message hoping she would see the humour in the situation. But she never messaged back! I really did fail!

Ahhh it’s so late and I’m sleepy and maybe it’s bedtime for me. Today I got some new plants and pots and repotted them all and they are super cute and I am loving having so many plants in my house. I have one big Aloe Vera, two baby Aloes in a smaller pot of their own, a young Jade plant, a Spider plant, and I potted a pink Gerbera daisy I got as a prop for my video a couple weeks ago. So much green! 🙂 So nice! I hope I can keep them all alive! My aloe vera has been doing pretty good. I got it after my last Jade plant died (it died because the pot it was in had no hole! :O It wasn’t draining and the roots rotted!).

Anyway, yes it’s bedtime.

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