Grief stuff

I’m aware the last three posts I have written have had some heavy stuff in them. I’m not exactly sure why this is going on now, but I seem to be working through some stuff. It’s been a while since I had some pain to work out. And it’s a little bit confusing to me, because I’ve been doing really well even with getting rejected the other day. Actually, that is probably why it is coming up, because I’m in a safe enough position to work through some old stuff I had forgotten about. It’s very difficult and makes me sad and I had this long habit of just kind of stuffing down feelings and not feeling them. And now I think I need to face up to it.

I made a 56 song playlist on my iTunes of broken hearted songs, just sad stuff to listen to so I can really be present in these feelings. It’s funny because it’s not even like I am going through a break up, but I think it might help resolve some overall sad feelings.

Like I have a lot of grief for my grandparents dying. We were very close. They did a lot of childcare for my single mom when we were growing up, so they were often around. And Grandpa was like, my Dad really. He was the loving patriarch in my life. I called a tattoo parlour today to finally make an appointment with a tattoo artist whose style I like. I’m ready to get my memorial tattoo for them. It’s going to be a canoe on a rippling lake against the silhouette of the boreal forest. An empty canoe. They met in La Ronge, which is in Northern Saskatchewan right in the boreal forest, and canoeing is something they did a lot of. I’m getting it on my upper back, which seems like the right place even tho I won’t be able to see it.

I guess I also have some downer feelings about being single for so long and not being very good at dating. Like, I just don’t get it. I think my personality isn’t very sparkling for first dates, like I am just kind of shy naturally. And it’s not always like that, when I get to know people I come out of my shell and can make some good jokes and be cute. But dating these days is so weird. Like, I don’t get tinder. I have only gotten two matches on there, and one was just a friend who wanted to say hi. I did meet two people from OKCupid this year, but neither of those worked out and one of them ghosted me which was really disappointing, especially since she was a cute top and I liked her. I guess it’s better because I actually went on actual dates and not just hanging out with friends I had massive crushes on and confessing and losing a friendship.

My dating history has been weird. Mostly disappointing. And a lot of “things” that were not easily classified as being girlfriends, even if we were fucking/talking everyday/being emotionally intimate. I was in a lot of polyamorous relationships and there would be tension because I wasn’t as great at getting other lovers as they were. So there was a lot of pressure for me to keep finding people to sleep with, and really I would be content just focusing on one person. Now I am trying to shift my focus to finding a monogamous dominant woman, but fuck that seems really hard to find. I kind of understand why so many bisexual women end up with straight cis men, there are just more of them and they are easier to find. I’m looking for someone whose queer and a woman and kinky in specific ways and within a particular age range and with certain qualities like gentleness and kindness and intelligence and humour and within a particular geographical area and attractive to me. It seems like a lot of intersecting demographics have to occur, and not only that, BUT they also have to be attracted to me and looking for all the things I have to offer.

I guess I’m happier that I am in a bigger city where there is a bigger pool to draw from. But it still seems really difficult. And internet dating is just hard, it’s hard to tell if there will be chemistry based on a profile and picture.

I wish I had cake.

The problem with my disappointing dating history is that I never got a girlfriend who was serious enough about me that I could bring them home to meet my family. I always wanted to someday. When my first girlfriend Ivana and I were dating, I had all these daydreams that they could come home with me for Christmas and meet my family, but of course it never happened, and the rest of them didn’t meet anyone either. And as my Grandparents got older and older I wanted them to at least meet one person who was deeply in love with me. But no one was deeply in love with me. And now they are dead. And I mean yeah someone could still fall deeply in love with me, but they can’t meet my Grandparents now because it’s too late. Which is sort of painful to think about. It’s a lot of unresolved grief about a lot of things.

I had a psychic tell me I would end up in a serious really good loving relationship that would last the rest of my life. But it’s a ways off apparently. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But it’s frustrating. I’m not sure how much more I can improve myself before someone will find me loveable. I feel like I’m doing everything I want to do. I have a career. I have housing. I’m in a good spot. I have my routine where I can keep my house clean more regularly. I don’t do drugs or alcohol anymore. I love my dogs. It might not even be me, it’s probably just that I haven’t met the right person yet.

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