First warm day

Today was the first really warm day where you didn’t need a jacket. It was nice! I walked Posey but Little Mister wouldn’t come with us. Then when we came back he was barking because he was mad we left him behind. But he went and hid when I was getting us ready so it’s his own fault!
I got Posey a tuggy toy rope snake. But she doesn’t get it. She likes tugging on her leash at the beginning of our walks. But cannot move that urge over to tugging on her rope snake. I’ve been waving it around and stuff but she doesn’t get it.
The workshops this past weekend went well, and Posey and Mister did good at the dog sitters. Lil pups!
I’m really hot fuck it is so hot!
Anyway, I am sad because people are jerks. Vagueblogging. Vague jerks I know.
And I am expecting someone to write me the second long email about what a horrible person I am in less than two months. Like, really? AGAIN? Fuck. I don’t know why people do that. And it all started with me needing to set a boundary and I wasn’t even mad I just recognized she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to engage, and temporarily restricted her from my fb. For like, three days. Anyway, now everything is all fucked up and weird and I’m expecting some massively mean email where she pulls some cheap shots like the last email. What a drag. And then I have to make it better by accepting my role in her life as an emotional punching bag, and it’s really frustrating and tiresome. And like, to what ends? Why does this keep happening? Why do I have to make all the concessions and accept all this pain and be willing to be shit on to maintain this relationship? It’s difficult. And it’s like that with a couple of other people, but more so with this one. It makes me want to throw in the towel, to be honest, because it’s difficult having someone make you feel bad over and over and you can’t fight back. So mean. So that’s making me sad. And there’s some level of insanity all wrapped up in there, and that’s probably why I’ve been more lenient, but it’s hard.
Ahhh and some other stuff isn’t really working for me right now, some interpersonal stuff with some other people. So I just kind of feel shitty all around. I think I need to move more towards good things and let go of things that make me feel bad. Like I hate chasing people, I hate having to let people emotionally pummel me, I hate watching people say hurtful things towards me and always letting it slide instead of calling them on it, I hate feeling disregarded and disrespected and always feeling like my role is the peacemaker. I think because of ways I was raised I accept a lot of abusive behaviour because I can’t pin it down as abuse as easily as if they like, punched me in the face. And I need to move beyond that and remember setting a boundary is a GOOD thing and not a bad thing and doesn’t make me evil even if it pisses someone off. Like I was so frustrated with my alcoholic cousin disrupting my life and using my Mom and it made me really angry and then a lot of the family was angry AT ME for talking about it. Because it’s not a problem if no one is saying it’s a major problem. Only talking about it makes it a problem. Only *I* am the problem for having a blog/facebook/mouth that talks about how shitty and abusive it is to live with an alcoholic who jokes about killing my dogs. Not that my cousin is the problem. AHHHHHH it’s so frustrating. Families with addictions thrive on secrets. And any disruption of that secrecy is a big betrayal of the family unit. And even family members who do not have addictions are involved in the other family member’s addictions because of codependency and enabling and stuff. And that situation is over now, not the addiction, but the cohabitation and stuff. But there’s always this feeling that it COULD happen again. I wouldn’t be there, but I would have to hear the screaming on the phone and the stories about parties in the house and stuff, and stealing the car, etc etc. And I would have to start taking my wallet to bed with me again if I stayed over, and watching my dogs like a hawk, etc. Stressful!
Ha and I am only in that house 2-4 times a year now.
But geez what a messed up life.
And the thing is my life isn’t even that messed up right now. I’ve got work that is bringing in money doing what I love. I am involved in my communities. I have a handful of good friends and people I can rely on. My dogs are doing great. My housing is stable and nice and HEALTHY. There are lots of things to do. I’m basically healthy and doing well.
I guess I am just thinking about abusive dynamics I have been in because I had a conversation with my best friend today about it, about childhood histories we had that were similar, about ongoing stuff. It’s very frustrating. And it makes me vulnerable to getting into the same dynamics in other relationships. Like I’ve never been beaten by a friend/lover/parent, but I have been physically injured by a lover. I’ve been emotionally abused the most. And it makes me wary. It makes me not as trusting I think. And then sometimes I do trust someone and they start crossing the line, but I let them get away with it until it is building up and getting too much. And one of the most common abusive things that happened to me were silent treatments, and that’s something that has been recreated a lot in my life with other people, like withdrawing, or withholding, or ignoring me, etc. And most healthy people would (and should) say “Fuck this!” and go on with their life without that person. But I kind of hang around trying to make it work, because I remember times in my life where there was no other option but to try and mend things with someone who wouldn’t even acknowledge I was in the room. AhhhhhhhhhH! So painful.
I always promised myself I would never do that to my kids. And so far I haven’t had kids, but I have always talked to the dogs. So I am practicing at always being loving and never withholding. Even if it’s just with dogs. Even if I haven’t had a girlfriend in ten years. At least I am trying. But I also don’t want to keep putting myself in vulnerable positions with someone who has contempt for me, even if they are just a friend. Even then.

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