It turned out my cyst was benign, no precancerous or abnormal cells. Nothing to worry about, and I don’t have to be so anxious about my future. So that was a relief, I celebrated with a Cinnabon.
My GP wanted to see me because ODSP got in touch with her because they said I said I was suicidal, and then I had to explain I meant in the past because yeah, anyone with Bipolar is going to have dealt with suicidal thoughts. It’s just part of a mood disorder. And then I talked to her about ADHD and she thought it was my Bipolar except the issues I brought up were continuous and Bipolar is really a cyclical thing. BUT she agreed to refer me back to my psychiatrist to get assessed, so in February I am heading back to him to see what he has to say about it. I’m nervous because I know if I don’t get medicated for it properly I could go manic, and if I don’t get medicated AT ALL I will not quite meet my potential because of executive functioning deficits.
I’m waiting to hear from Canada Council about my grant for my video game. It would carry me through 7 months of living, more if I am super careful with my funds. PLUS it would help me realize my vision for this game. And I would like to release it as a full cool experience that hopefully sheds light on bipolar.
The dogs are fine, but I am looking forward to when I have some money again and can take them to the vet for their shots and check ups. Posey is overdue. Well, they both are. And Little Mister is getting shaggy again and needs a trim.
I am generally excited about life right now. Which is funny, because this last Monday was BRUTAL in terms of my emotions. I was SO SAD. Which wasn’t totally a shocker, cause it was Blue Monday. OH YEAH and also ODSP turned me down again. So now I have to go to a tribunal. But I don’t know if I should because if some funding works out I might not have to worry for a long while. It’s a pickle! Like, can I apply again in the future? I dunno, I am confused. I guess I should call my case worker.
I’ve been working on stuff a lot these days, which is making me feel productive. I have a few secrets at the moment, which is kind of fun. Good secrets not tragic ones. I didn’t stay off Facebook between 9-5 this week yet, BUT I have been a lot more careful about when I go on, like only for five minute breaks at a time, or leaving again when something pisses me off or stresses me out. It’s really hard to leave it completely. But I’m breaking it’s hold on me I think. I do think the abstaining during work hours is a good habit to get into though, so I’m going to try and stick to it a bit more. Maybe tomorrow I will wait until 5pm to get online again.
I’m trying to figure out what to do about my weird non-existent love life, and I think maybe I should just NOT go looking for crushes OR recycling old crushes because I am lonely. I am just wondering if I should concentrate on doing my work and just let whatever happens happen. I mean I do have a lot of stuff to do and my career is really fun and interesting to me. And if I can get paid for it for a while that would be really sweet. I think I’m lucky (except for the bouts of poverty) to be doing something I love for a quasi living. Not everyone has a passion to focus on.
So less Facebooking and Crushing and more Doing and Making.