Monthly Archives: December 2016

Christmas With the Cuthands

Christmas this year is vastly different for Mom and I. For one thing, we are doing it here in Toronto. She arrives Christmas morning and I’m making brunch (must remember to get more maple syrup), we’re gonna open a couple presents and she gets some mimosas and I get plain orange juice and coffee. Christmas Eve I am spending alone at my place though. I’m trying to figure out a good new Christmas Eve tradition.

I’ve decided I am making Carol my new Christmas Eve movie to watch. Pups and I are gonna put it on the Blu-ray and resist the temptation to smoke (so many cigarettes in that flick!). Eat some snacks and light some candles. Maybe have some kind of soak in the tub too. I really wish I had someone to fool around with or even just make out with on the couch, but it’s way too late to arrange anything like that.

I’m making Christmas dinner, we’re having an organic chicken instead of a turkey. Stuffing. Potatoes. Maybe a squash. Cranberry sauce, and some Saskatoon pie for dessert which I will make on Christmas eve because sweet and savory in the same oven is a bad idea. Maybe I will even drag my table from the porch in here so we can actually sit at it instead of on the couch. We’ll see.

And that’s about it for Christmas. We are gonna relax the rest of the day and Mom will drink Baileys and I’ll probably move on to a cola. We’re gonna watch Auntie Mame which has been a Christmas tradition for a number of years ever since I discovered it as a teenage homo.

Speaking of Cola, I recently found out people with ADHD often self medicate with caffeine. And the reason I am mentioning this is because after much discussion with a close friend, I have come to realize it is most likely something I have been dealing with most if not all of my life. It wasn’t noticed by anyone else because girls with it don’t often have the hyperactivity part of the disorder. And also I didn’t have the underachieving part of ADHD because I was able to complete my Masters degree. But what if I had been treated? Would I have done better? I have a hard time following conversation sometimes because my mind will just wander off at the most random times, even if I am trying to focus and it’s important to listen. Even when I WANT to listen.

Also sometimes I’ve felt like I let myself down in terms of productivity. Sometimes I can be so good at it because I hyper-focus for hours if it’s something I like, and other times I just have such a hard time sitting down (or cleaning or whatever the task may be) that I just procrastinate for ages.

I’ve been doing things that a lot of ADHD people do to manage their lives better, like having alarms for all my appointments in my calendar, timing cooking because sometimes I’ll forget or lose track of time, writing boring shit like “I’m gonna wash the floor now” on my FB so that I have to be accountable to randoms on FB and will actually follow through on this task.

I like this idea of hyper-focus that ADHD people get, but also, I really want to be productive the rest of the time and be a little more together. My friend sent me all this information and youtube lectures about it and learning about what it does really makes me wonder how I could have thought this is normal for everybody. And I always wondered why other people could do so much that I had such a hard time doing.

So in the new year I’m going to investigate getting a diagnosis and treatment for it. It’s tricky because of the bipolar, because I don’t want amphetamines to make me manic. Strattera isn’t an amphetamine, but it costs 400 a month and probably my NIHB would get all bitchy about paying that and make me take an amphetamine anyway.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind this Christmas!

Mostly though, I’m excited to just have a quiet happy Christmas with my mom, at home, with my pups. It’s totally different than any other Christmas.

Deep Thoughts About Being Unemployed

I’ve mentioned before (maybe?) my troubles with getting a permanent full time job, which is that it conflicts with my career that sometimes has me out of the country/city, etc, that sometimes requires me to work full time on my writing or filming things etc. I need a job that is made up of steady gigs that I can take a break from when I need to do other stuff (which also sometimes pays). I need something to get me through blips of time.

So I was talking to my Mom about it, and she said I should look into Voice Over work. I’ve done a lot of monologues as part of my video practice, and I’ve also been a call centre worker, so I had to have a nice clear voice so people could understand my survey questions. I think I could do it.

I’ve been doing some research, it’s an okay paying job and there’s lots of work out there. My friend Juli posted a bunch of links to voice over talent agencies and training places around here. Next time more money comes in I can buy some decent sound equipment to record myself on my own. There’s a place in Toronto that does a month long weekly workshop that teaches you about the Voice Over industry and how to read a script and analyze it and stuff. Ontario Works pays for some employment related skills training, so I am going to approach them on Monday about paying for this workshop. It starts in January. Which is really soon. Maybe if I miss that one I can do the one in February or something.

It would be nice to have a weird skill that is employable. I have a lot of employable skills, but the nature of the film production industry means I can’t do project after project after project with like, 14 hour days back to back. Like, it’s not good for my disability. But something like this might be easier. And I like talking. It’s funny though because if you met me you wouldn’t think so because I am really quiet until I have assessed people and determined if I can be a weirdo around them or not.

It would be nice to do audiobooks or something. Documentary voice overs. Juli said I might be interested in loop groups, which are people who get together and provide background walla for films. It could be fun! She posted a video of people doing it.

I’ve also heard some bad things about voice over work, specifically regarding video game voice over work. There was (is?) actually a strike going on over working conditions which push the actors too far and damage their voices. So that’s a concern.

And obviously I wouldn’t cross a picket line.

But this makes more sense for me to do than even the described video for the blind thing I had been interested in before. I wouldn’t have to be tied to one company, and I could choose when to work and when to take a break. It might be worth it to try and get insurance on my voice though, in case I end up being one of those people who needs to get vocal surgery.

Anyway, that is my thought these days! I hope this is the thing that works out for me!

His Ribs! OMG!

Little Mister’s Skeleton!

So this is what Little Mister looks like in an X-ray. The vet wanted to make sure he didn’t have pneumonia, so they checked him out. Lungs are clear! His rib bones are my favourite, so delicate! Look at him! OMG! He’s such a good boy they didn’t have to sedate him, so he was cheaper to xray than some other dogs that need sedation. There’s still no verdict as to what exactly is causing his coughs. Of course today I haven’t heard him cough at all. Maybe he will be fine? The vet said “He’s not going to die tomorrow!” So that’s good. He’s getting bloodwork done which will let us know more what is going on with him.

I need to make more money to pay for him. I mean, some more money is coming my way but I also owe other people. My friend suggested this employment placement place. I am looking into it. You can tell them what sort of work you want, like I would rather work part time because of other things going on with me. So we’ll see.

Plus this surgery was holding me back in looking for work, because I didn’t want to beg for time off to heal so I didn’t really look for work the last couple of months. But my healing is done, so I feel more equipped to work. BUT ALSO I have applied for disability, and I don’t want a full time job because I don’t know if I could handle it. You can work part time and be on disability, which is part of the appeal.

Speaking of appeals, I put in another appeal to disability. I have heard it often takes until you appeal to the tribunal to get accepted into the program. It’s so ridiculous because I was on disability in Saskatchewan and I don’t see why different provinces can’t listen to each other.

Mom’s coming on Christmas Day! I’ve got to get us a humane chicken for dinner. Or organic or whatever. There’s a good butcher shop in Kensington Market I might go to, but also I think there’s a butchershop up the street by Timmies. She keeps saying she wants us to go to a hotel or something for dinner, but I kind of want to cook at home.

OH and now Little Mister is coughing. Just the once tho.

Maybe I am just being super anxious about him and he is fine though.

He was so cute when I picked him up from the vet. She brought him out on his leash and he was just walking around wagging his tail. He tried to go into the last room he saw me in but I was down the hall so I called him and he came and jumped up on my legs. Awww that lil guy! It’s weird cause he’s 11 now. Besides my sister’s 18 year old cat, he’s the only pet I’ve had this long. It’s kind of amazing, he has been with me through the last 1.5 years of my 20s and most of my 30’s. Like, I’ve had him for half of my adult life. I don’t want this Little Mister Era to end. So when he gets sick I get so worried. But he still seems to have some years in him.

Tomorrow my friend Riki and I are going to try and get PJ Harvey tickets for next April. I was super into her in 2007 when I had my last major manic episode, I was listening to Stories From the City Stories from the Sea all the time. And now she’s playing in Toronto on the 10th anniversary of that manic episode. So it seems like I should go. I mean, it might mean the end of a cycle or something. Like a completion of something. Plus I’ve stayed up to date on her work and I liked most of Hope Six Demolition Project. That Medicinals song is pretty fun in a witchy way. Oh except the end is a downer.

Fisting is back on the menu and still no one cares!

It’s been over ten days since my surgery! I can have penetrative sex again! Roll out the dildos!

Ha ha, but still there’s no prospects, so whatever.

My healing went well, it’s been 3 days at least with no more oxycodone. And it’s been fine, better even. I was getting so constipated and unhappy on that medication, and it was painful and distressing, so now things are back to normal. Some of my incisions are still a little tender. But not bad. I don’t have any pain really. I visited a piercing place the other day and got my hood piercing put back in, so that was nice, because the retainer was irritating me. I’m able to clean on my own and have baths and carry Little Mister up and down the stairs and take out my own garbage, and tomorrow I am gonna do some laundry on my own.

There was one day I felt a few sharp pains from my ovary, and I wasn’t sure if it was ovulating or doing something related to healing. I was getting pains from that cyst almost every day near the end, so it’s been really nice NOT having cyst related pains. But the ovarian pain was a little odd, because it happened in the middle of my healing. But I do usually feel when I ovulate, so that really could be what it was.

I’m waiting to hear about some stuff, so that’s a little bit exciting. I am going to be getting some funding news in the next couple of months, which is something to look forward to. I also am still eligible to apply for another OAC grant, so I think I may do that next year.

The dogs are okay. Little Mister started coughing again today though, which SUCKS Because he might need MORE expensive antibiotics. I’m going to call the vet tomorrow and inquire. He’s mostly a happy guy, but I’ll be damned if something as ridiculous as kennel cough takes him from me. He’s like, a healthy little boy, who still has some years in him.

On the love front, well fuck. I’m back in an unrequited situation and it SUCKS and I am so tired of this happening and I have to figure out how to deal with these feelings on my own. Especially since I like being friends with this woman and don’t want my ridiculous feelings to interfere with a good friendship. And I already KNOW it’s not gonna happen. Like, at all, ever ever. So I guess my strategy is just to keep getting out there and meeting women and hopefully someday I’ll have a date again. I got off dating websites and apps because they were humiliating and no one would ever message me back. And sometimes people messaged me and I wouldn’t message them back either because I wasn’t into it. Anyway, I decided online dating was the worst possible thing for me. I can make a bunch of short videos that people seem to appreciate, I can talk in front of hundreds of people about personal work, I can run a blog for twelve consecutive years that has some kind of audience, but for whatever reason I can’t catch a date on OKCupid or Tinder. I must be really unphotogenic or something. Or maybe they are all racist. Or maybe I just come across as awkward. Ugh. And I AM awkward. And I don’t make great first impressions because I am super shy/introverted. Especially in group situations where I don’t know most of the people.

I can talk in front of university classes though.

So weird. I probably overshare on OKC or something. I just want potential dates to be informed so I don’t find out some one has a hatred for whatever thing about me I have no control over like race or mental health status.

BUT I did make a committment to myself that I was going to meet people in person from going to places. Like meet them just living my life out in the world. And I did have like, four crushes this past year. On women I met in real life. They didn’t GO anywhere, but still! That’s something. A crush for every season!

But healing from surgery has kept me from meeting anyone, except the butch lady at the hardware store who winked at me when I bought my Christmas lights. She wasn’t as interested when I bought my mop a few days later tho.