Monthly Archives: November 2016

Recovery films and television and snacks

It’s been a boring few days, but my friends helped me out with some dog walking and house chores and groceries and things. Today I was all on my own, so I watched a bunch of movies on the AMC channel and finished watching Transparent season 3. I skipped my night dose of this painkiller last night and it was fine, I was a bit sore and achey when I woke up this morning, but then I took some meds and it was okay. I’m just trying to slowly taper off them so I don’t get addicted because that would be a pain in the ass. Plus if I only take two a day I only have four more days left. So I’m really trying to stretch it out.

I had more energy, until about 4pm then I just felt WIPED and took a nap. Recovering is very boring.

Today I saw Goonies and Tremors. And played with the dogs. Little Mister is being super adorable today. Right now he’s sleeping, but he’s been asking for cuddles and kisses all day. Posey is also snuggled up to me these days.

My friend Marty gave me a tarot reading and it was really good, among all the things it said, it mentioned I was looking for a top, and that people saw me as being like, someone who was good at getting grants and having a career. Of course it didn’t say I would get in a relationship, but that’s probably also the fault of the way I asked the question because it was about a specific crush and not my love life in general.

My surgical strips fell off today, and I got to look at my incisions. They seem to be glued shut. They are very small, even the one in my bellybutton is tiny. Anyway, they are healing well, a little itchy but not too bad. I’ve been eating well and mostly resting. I did do two bureaucratic things today, but it was just putting some stuff in the mail, so it wasn’t AWFUL! Not like, standing in line somewhere.

I’ve got linty strips where the gauzey bandages were stuck to me, and those are kind of annoying in an aesthetic way. I don’t feel like I should be applying a lot of friction to that area to get it off tho. I briefly considering wiping my tummy with goo gone, but that’s probably a terrible idea.

All kinds of things have been going on in my guts. The co2 that was in there was making me so gassy, and then I was constipated from the pain meds so I felt nauseated a couple days. Everybody has advice and some is better than others. But mostly I just need help with my dogs, because Little Mister weighs 15 pounds and has to be carried up and down the stairs. Also I needed help with laundry on the weekend, which Marty helped with. I’ve just got ten days altogether to be careful, and 14 days to be back to normal. So it’s coming along. Although it’s really only been four days still.

Not even halfway there!

The painkillers I am on are pretty serious, so I’m trying to use good judgement in taking them. I think doing two a day instead of three right now is better. I’m hoping maybe tomorrow or the day after I can go down to one in the morning.

I remember when I was in concurrent disorders group these people who had been addicted to painkillers would do a lot of handwringing about upcoming dental surgeries and stuff where they would be faced with taking painkillers again. And I never really thought much of it, like if you’re in pain why not take them? But now everyone’s freaking out about how addictive these meds I am on are and stuff and it’s like, holy shit! I just got surgery! I am literally just taking them for pain. Like, no way would I be doing this for fun, they make me constipated and groggy and that is about it. I mean, also they get rid of my pain, which is the main point. But I’m not like, having a good time over here. Of course I wasn’t smoking weed to have a good time in the end either.

So I guess if I had been prescribed medical marijuana to deal with this surgery, I would probably also be doing a lot of handwringing and trying to find alternatives or just living with pain.

The main thing besides being constipated and groggy is I hate that these meds make me feel sort of like, half stupid. Like my brain just isn’t working at it’s optimum. It’s not good for creativity.

On the other hand, it IS good for sitting back and watching tv and movies and eating snacks. Which is basically all anyone who is recovering from surgery should do.


I had surgery yesterday to remove an ovarian cyst. It was big. They used lasers. I had day surgery so I didn’t have to stay overnight, thank god! I just had to recover and have a pee. I have three gauzey bandages on my abdomen, and meds that make me sleepy and constipated. They also gave me a med for the constipation. Ha ha all things you don’t really need to know!

I’m sore, but not as sore as I was after gallbladder surgery. I think the racism in Saskatchewan kept me from getting appropriate pain management, because the pain I have felt this go around is WAY easier to bear. Like I didn’t wake up moaning from pain in the hospital, I woke up feeling quite pleasant actually, if super drugged. And it’s sort of continued since then, taking these meds appropriately and feeling a little weird but not fucked up. Even the bumpy drive home wasn’t so bad.

Although I am a little bit silly.

From the drugs I mean.

And sleepy.

Coughing kind of hurts tho!

I can’t take off the gauze for 48 hours (another 26 now I guess!) and then I can only shower for ten days until I take my steristrips off. Or they can fall off, whichever. It looks like he used my bellybutton, which is good because that’s where my gallbladder scar was.

Something funny about that scar is it’s big and pink and I remember looking at it once and thinking “I will never be in porn now, no one wants to look at a body that has been cut open at some point.” It was sad and funny, in particular because I never really ever considered a career in porn.

Cuthand Gets Cut Open in NINE Days!

Ha ha. I had my pre-op appointment today at Sunnybrook so that I could find out about my surgery next week, get my abdomen prodded by the gynaecologist, and provide a blood sample for whatever they are curious about. It sounds like a straightforward surgery, it’s day surgery and hopefully I will only be there for about four and a half hours all together. Maybe six. I have to be at the hospital two hours before my surgery. And the anesthesiologist is going to call me and do a interview about stuff they have to know. I’m getting it done laparoscopically, so my recovery should be short. I can have sex ten days after my surgery! 😀 Exciting! Ha ha like that’s gonna happen. Just start up my OKC profile again while laying in bed with stitches in my guts.

I’m sure it will be fine. Worst case scenario is they find precancerous or cancerous cells and have to go back in and take out my uterus, fallopian tubes, and both ovaries, AND some kind of tissue. Like fat tissue or something? I don’t remember. But it’s unlikely that will happen.

The Dr. is going to try to save my ovary, and if he can’t I will still have the other ovary so I will still get hormones. Yay for hormones! 😀

It’s been acting up a bit, this cyst that is getting removed. It causes a sharp pain now and then, and I am terrified if the glorious chance to get fisted by a hottie ever came up, it would cause this thing to burst. So of course fisting is temporarily off the menu. But no one is looking at the menu anyway.

I get to sleep in tomorrow! 😀 I had to get up early yesterday and today.

Oh geez! I haven’t even talked about my trip to Montreal yet!

I spent the weekend in Montreal at my friend Robin’s from Friday to Monday! I talked on a roundtable at the conference (Angela Davis was apparently also at the conference but I didn’t see her!). And I went for poutine and a walk and a coffee with Irene and over to Shavonne’s where we visited and then walked to a queer karaoke night at Notre Dame de Quilles. But aside from those short outings, I was mostly visiting Robin and having long conversations with her and it was so great. We talked about serious things and funny things and spiritual things and shocking things and things we both got mad about (not mad at each other, just mutual outrage at other people!). The first day I got there Robin was wearing these AMAZING pyjamas! I wish I had gotten a picture of her, they were pretty spectacular!

And Robin and I gave each other lots of deep heartfelt happy hugs and it was SO NICE and I realized I haven’t had anything close to cuddles in a long time. Like yeah I hug all my friends hello and goodbye, but this was like, really sweet.

I haven’t seen Robin since 2013 or something. Maybe 2012?? A long ass time anyway. It was so nice being able to be around her. We have these long phone calls once a month or so, so we are pretty close. One funny thing is being my best friend obviously she is kept in the loop about all my crushes and exes over the years, so we were looking at some of them on Facebook and she was guessing their Myers Briggs type. I have to say I think she probably got them right, I was giving brief rundowns of their personalities and quirks so it wasn’t just based on profile pictures. Also basically they all seem to be ENFP’s.

But one important thing was, of course, my issues with Montreal because it’s where I had a traumatic hospital stay. I actually didn’t end up going to any of the places I had lived or been around. I was on Saint Laurent one night, but it was way out of the way of where I used to walk. Robin and I walked close to where we used to work on my way back to the bus going to Toronto, but that was all. It was nice to be in new places because I wasn’t triggered. And I think probably even if I did go to old places, they have changed a lot since then. So I felt a lot better about being there. And I think because I was so close to the few people I did see, it was really healing.

I think I want to go back. I don’t want to try and live there again still, but I think I should visit more, especially because seeing Robin was so good.

Shit Hits the Fan

Well. I’m not exactly sure what to write, but obviously I have to address that Donald Trump won the fucking American election and his followers are terrorizing anyone who’s not a straight white cis man. But Jesus, I don’t really have a lot of great advice. To be honest, I didn’t think it would come to this. He is so clearly inept, cannot string together a coherent sentence, never held political office before, and has gone bankrupt multiple times. I’m poor and in a lot of student loan debt, but I’ve never gone bankrupt. No shame to those who have. But he’s done it multiple times. He doesn’t pay contractors. He built his base on racism, homophobia, sexism, Islamophobia, transphobia. Hillary said his base was made up of deplorables and then the media shamed her and she had to walk it back, but it’s true! There are Donald Trump supporters on twitter gloating about how now they are going to sexually assault women because it’s okay!

So it’s been a real rollercoaster of emotions for everyone. In particular people who are not straight white cis males. I don’t have a lot of spoons for dealing with this. The morning after the election I managed to get to a talk I had to do at U of T, and aside from that I’ve really just been sitting around on my ass at home reading horrifying articles, posting snarky gifs, and avoiding life.

But today I kind of pulled myself together, went out into the world and got something to eat and some stuff for the dogs. Tomorrow I am going to Montreal for the NWSA conference where I am speaking about Indigenous feminist masculinities. I feel a little unprepared, I need to do some printing tonight. I’m gonna see my friend Robin tomorrow for the first time since 2012 or something, and she’s like, my best friend, so I am excited to see her. I’m gonna be there until Monday.

Little Mister has been getting ANOTHER round of antibiotics, because he still has a cough. He has good and bad days, but I think he’s going to stay alive while I am gone for the weekend, so I am not too worried. He has a dog sitter who used to be a veterinary assistant. Posey coughed once two days ago and never again, so I think she did get what he has and fought it off.

It’s really hot in here, I had the heater on but it wasn’t necessary. The weather has been odd in Toronto. It’s Remembrance Day tomorrow and still snow hasn’t fallen.

I’m trying to practice crush etiquette by pretending I am not super into this woman and it’s kind of ridiculous and I feel so phoney trying to be cool and ending up looking awkward and silly. Maybe I’ll meet someone else in Montreal who actually wants me to be awkward and ridiculous. Because this being cool thing is not working. Maybe (probably) she is just not into me and I should give up. AHHHHHHHH fuck I hate everything.

And then I was in a good mood today, and making jokes, and feeling kind of cool, but then I’m like “But Thirza, the world is going to hell and the deplorables have won and jesus even Leonard Cohen died today, you should feel AWFUL! Shame shame!” And I did feel awful, yesterday. But I feel better today. So I was all wondering “Am I going Manic? OMG! Am I going to start writing 30 emails a day again? Am I going to try and overthrow the American government or something in a psychosis?”

But you know, I think there’s a reason I’m in a good mood. I think it’s because the people appalled at the new President-Elect and what he has already done to the USA and the world are ANGRY, and in anger there is power. I really do feel like there is a rumbling momentum of the non-deplorables who could keep each other safer. Not SAFE, just, maybe we can look out for each other. Maybe we can unite and build alternate societies.

There was an attempted rape at the Oceti Sakowin Camp (Sioux pipeline protestors) and the leaders held a kind of trial and banished the perpetrator and walked him out of camp while yelling his name and what he did, and then handed him to the women who cut off his braids, and then sent him down the road where some officers were going to pick him up and deal with him. It was such a simple, elegant, traditional way of dealing with sexual assault. I actually found it really inspiring, taking justice into our own hands and not tolerating shit like that.

Can that kind of action happen elsewhere?