Monthly Archives: October 2016

Mom Visit almost Over!

Mom has been staying with me since Oct 18th! It’s been fun, we did ImagineNATIVE which was SUPER intense, one day I saw four programs and she saw three. Altogether we watched about ten programs, including 3 or 4 shorts programs. Maybe just 3. There was some really good work this year.

Little Mister just had his last antibiotic. He hasn’t coughed in a while, which is good.

I was interviewed by Vice during ImagineNATIVE which was cool and it showed on their website and they might air it. Actually tonight I ran into the producer at Moonlight (which was an amazing film).

What else? My bureaucratic nightmare turned out fine. I’m looking for a dog sitter, is my only current stress, because I am going to a conference next month.

I have a big crush on someone and I was trying to ignore it but I think maybe it’s okay to just have a crush and whatever maybe something will develop and maybe not. I felt super awkward trying to communicate with her and even one time we were having an FB chat and it started out fine and then I really wanted to hit on her, BUT I GOT TERRIFIED and was like “Okay talk to you later!” even tho I didn’t have anything else to do at that moment. It’s kind of gotten to the point where I have to just cough up that I like them, because it’s the elephant in the chat window, I think she might know. But it’s this big feeling that is getting in the way because it’s just kind of the next thing I should say to her, even though it’s like, early days. I need to set the tone! AHHHHHH shit I am so bad at this.

Even tonight, the producer of Vice said something to me and I didn’t know if it was like “we should hang out” or just something like “nice seeing you here” because my hearing can be shitty when there is background noise (one of the reasons I don’t like going to loud bars) and so I don’t know if she wants to be friends or is just like “See you around.” And this encapsulates my whole terrible awkwardness even with making friends.

Then with crushes, the stakes get raised because potential lovers (for me anyway) involve an emotional investment and it’s scary and so I’m like, doing alright, then freak out and say “Okay talk to you later!” Ahhh shitty. Ha ha ha.

This used to be easier with alcohol, I hate to say it but it’s true. I haven’t had a lover while I’ve been sober, and it’s weird, and I have told women I like them, but nothing happens. And there was one moment a while back where I WOULD have normally just made a move, had I been drunk or tipsy. But now I am sober and not wanting to cross lines and swallowing back words and changing the subject. It’s very strange.

I guess I have to relearn how to be brave and ask women on ACTUAL dates, not just “hanging out.” I got rid of my OKC profile a couple months ago. I decided meeting women in real life was better. But I haven’t had an actual REAL date in a long time. Just hang outs that are usually platonic. And that’s fine too, but making out with someone would be nice. Forming an intimate bond would be nice.

Anyway, that doesn’t matter right now, because Mom is staying with me until Tuesday so it’s all Mom time until then. Tomorrow I work for five hours, and again on Monday, but that’s my only responsibility. I should go to bed. I’m letting myself be up late because it’s Friday night, but actually now my night meds are kicking in and sleep seems like a really good idea.

Kennel Cough and Antideps

So I finally clued in that Little Mister, my long haired dachshund, wasn’t just randomly clearing his throat then gagging up nothing. He’s been coughing. And when I looked it up, it sounded a lot like kennel cough, which was confirmed when I took him to the vet today. They said he was contagious and made sure he wasn’t in the common area for very long. He’s got antibiotics. The funny thing is today he hasn’t coughed once. I don’t know if he just finally got over it, or if the antibiotics are working already. But he’s in high spirits, we went for a walk with Posey and he had a good time. I’m so glad I had the cash to take him in. Being dead broke with a sick dog is the worst.

It’s actually been a good day for my own health too. I faced my anxiety about a bureaucratic thing and made a phone call, and it wasn’t so bad. I had enough energy to clean the house, and not just a shallow clean but a SERIOUS thorough cleaning. Like wiping underneath things in the kitchen and throwing out and recycling and all kinds of stuff I haven’t had the spoons to manage. I swept the stairway finally! So much dirt! I cleared piles of things. I did the basic stuff too, like sweeping and washing floors. But it’s finally such a nice space to be in.

I just have a pile of laundry to sort and the basic bathroom cleaning left to do. And if I can clean the fridge out tomorrow too it would be perfection. I’m pretty happy about it. I didn’t know where this energy was coming from, because for so long I’ve only been at about a 6 out of 10 in energy levels. Now I would say I’m at a 8. BUT not manic energy, which would be anywhere from 11 – 20 and way too much. But then I realized it’s been about 5 weeks of upped antidepressant. And I kind of felt it was making a difference, but today really felt a lot better compared to five weeks ago. The anxiety is way more manageable and not so crippling, and although I don’t feel like a giant smiley face rolling down the street, I do feel more clear and content. And things are more enjoyable. Like I am super getting into my music again, which was kind of all blah and grey for a while there. Not making music, just listening to it.

I feel like I can let things go easier. Not like, serious things, like not paying bills or rent or shit like that that would just cause trouble. More like being slighted by people or having crushes that are just useless cause the other person isn’t into it or even just regular rejection that comes along with being an artist who has to submit to things or compete or whatever and not always “winning” or being selected. My FOMO is a lot less. I’m happy being alone with my animals at home. It’s pretty good. It’s not like I DON’T care either though, which is also a not great thing.

Anyway, Mom comes tomorrow to spend two weeks with me. It’s gonna be interesting to see how that goes. We’re doing ImagineNATIVE and then at the end of the month, the Art Fair, and in between some hanging out and eating cool stuff I guess. I think we might go to the Farm. Pupwalks. She’s bringing her beading so she’ll be doing that. I have a talk in a class to do next week and also a few shifts at the Edition Fair at the end of the month. But aside from that it’s hanging out with Mom and trying to squeeze in writing.

If I still drank, it would be champagne! But I don’t drink so never mind.

So I guess now that I have signed this co-development agreement to see if this production company and I can get funding for development on my feature, I can finally say it’s official and the ink is dry and the application to Telefilm is in and we’ll find out in 6-8 weeks if we get some development money. I really hope so. It’s an exciting project. It’s the first round of development if it works out so there’s an amazing story editor who I will get to work with to do another draft of my script. And it pays. Which will give me some breathing room to just concentrate on my work.

It’s all very exciting. I’ve been doing meetings and stuff for a while working on this, and I’ve been so shy about talking about it because I don’t want to jinx it. But I have a good feeling about it. There’s so much more about this I could talk about, but I like to keep a bit of mystery. Which probably sounds funny since this blog exists and I blab about lots on Facebook. But I’ve been trying to be quiet about this, but anyway if you were reading mentions of this exciting secret thing, this is it! I’m still amazed to be heading in this direction, because I’ve wanted to make a feature for SO LONG and it was just never working out or the right time or whatever. But I think this project has some legs. And I feel like the people I am working with are very professional and will be really helpful getting this off the ground.

So, if I was a drinking woman I guess I would have cracked open the champagne already, but I am not a drinker anymore, so I think I’m just going to go out to dinner with my mom next week and have a little celebration. Maybe go to Banjera, I like that restaurant but it’s pricey and far.

I’ve been getting some media requests about my video game, so that’s been fun. I sent some answers to questions to CBC the other day and talked to Vice the other day, we’ll see if they shoot the interview next week.

I’ve been alright otherwise. This whole last week was doing a lot of arts admin work, which isn’t super fun but also is pretty necessary. I’m hoping to get my last chunk of admin stuff done tonight so I can do some writing tomorrow and Monday. Tuesday Mom comes to stay with me for two weeks, so it’s gonna be a full little apartment. Two people and two dogs in one one bedroom! And next week is ImagineNATIVE, so I am gonna go to a lot of films with Mom and see people and talk about my video game. I’m excited.

This weekend is mostly about getting ready for Mom’s visit. I did all my dishes yesterday, but I gotta keep on top of them. The apartment is fairly clean because a friend came over yesterday, but I need to wash the floors.

OMG I also learned I am the worst at consoling someone. Someone I know had a break up recently and were sad that they were single again and without even thinking I’m all “Yeah being single is the worst.” OMFG so terrible! I can’t believe I even said that! But it does suck. BUT that’s just because I’ve been single for nearly a decade, even tho I had flings and things along the way. Like I kind of lost count of how many women I’ve been “hanging out” with over the years, even with sleepovers and kisses and sometimes sex stuff, but an actual RELATIONSHIP? No. No reason to change my Facebook status to “In a relationship.” Not even “It’s complicated.” In fact some of my secret sexy times have been with people who are super private so it just never was common knowledge. Which sucks. I would love to openly be like “I’m in love y’all!” but most of my falling in love just never worked out. And then there was all that crush recycling that was happening for a while. Which is a bad idea, I will admit.

Anyway, being single does suck. But it’s okay, I mean, just in that if someone really wants to be with me they should make an effort. I’m tired of making moves that go nowhere. And I don’t want to pursue someone who’s aloof and makes me feel like they don’t really care. Fuck that.

Ha ha this is supposed to be about my awesome career news but now I’m just blabbing about non-relationships. Enough of that. Being single is just a thing. I’m still having orgasms so whatever. Ha ha not that relationships are only about that. I know they are way more involved than sex. Someday! Ha ha ha.

I’m having surgery in a few weeks. It’s a little bit nervewracking. Mostly I’m sad that it’s gonna be hard for me to work for a little bit. I think it’s like, three weeks until everything heals usually. We’ll see. I do most of my work sitting at my computer though, so that’s not too bad.

Video Game Finished! Sorta . . .

So my video game is done! There’s just one thing I couldn’t figure out but after four hours of rewriting code over and over I was just like “FUCK IT!” and let it do this other thing which is also fine I guess. Also I want to continue working on it and making more levels, but that’s gonna wait until next year when/if I get my grant.

I’m proud of it I guess! It’s a first time game, it’s very simple, it’s sort of fun, I think it has a message. It’s going to be showing at ImagineNATIVE and again in November at Rendezvous With Madness. So that’s awesome. I’m looking forward to people interacting with it.

I have big plans for it if I can keep working on it!

I am sleepy. I got up at 10:30 this morning, which is early for me. I did some tidying and washed the floor. I have only a few dirty dishes but I might wash them because I’ve got a bad habit of leaving dishes until they are smelling up my kitchen.

I never really thought I would be one of those people who clean the whole apartment once a week. I used to be so much more of a slob. But it’s nice, this keeping clean thing. Before I only kept the house clean when I had girlfriends who came over cause a dirty apartment isn’t sexy. But now I just clean because it makes me happy. I guess the living in filth thing was also strongly tied to having concurrent disorders. So now that they aren’t controlling my life the way they used to, I’m able to be WAAAAAAAY more functional.

I want to keep cleaning. So I should probably just woman up and go do that. I like writing here though. My garbage and recycling got taken out today! And I actually got some shitty junk out from under the entertainment unit. That was awesome.

Oh geez I wonder where my degree is? Did I put it up somewhere? Fuck I should really get that framed and hung up, but I have no money for such extravagances. I didn’t frame my Emily Carr degree either because it was this shitty looking thing, and since then I think it got wrecked. I need to order another one. Maybe this one will be decent looking.

Okay, enough sitting around, back to work!

Laptop Home! :D

I have my computer back, and it is happier and faster than ever! It’s good because I’ve been getting work emails and sending back these pitiful messages saying “Is Friday okay because my laptop is in the shop?” Anyway, it’s OUT now and here and in my lap where it belongs. Of course the first thing I did was just go on Facebook, which actually wasn’t all that exciting. And also not graphics intensive which is what the laptop was having trouble with.

But I did open a few programs and test it out and it’s not going apeshit anymore. ALSO the repair place fixed the CD drive without charging me, which was so nice. In fact, they didn’t charge me at all, because Apple knows this is a problem with this model.

I found out about two possible things that will get me some money in the next couple of months. So that’s encouraging. I recently decided to try and live off of my art and being a general techy/video/film smartie/whatever. So that’s what I am doing. One thing might be a programming jury, and the other thing is showing my video game at a festival in November. So that’s very fun! I’m basically just trying to get the odd job and artist fee wherever I can. I’m going to be hearing about grants and funding early next year, so hopefully by then a small financial safety net will be catching me. I have a conference to go to in Montreal next month (which isn’t a paid gig), and I still need to write something and select what part of this video I want to show. I have to come up with a description for a possible new video on the theme of Art and Reconciliation for a possible commission next year. I still need to write a short script for a film I can apply to BravoFACT for which is more Industry/Commercial than my previous experimental stuff. AND I have this second 2 Spirit video to make to complete a Toronto Art Council grant I got. Finally a first draft of the script has been written. But it was written as a performance so now of course I have to make some changes. And then there is still some secret stuff going on that’s exciting but not official official yet.

So I’m busy, and not having my laptop made me feel very weird. I was on my phone all the time, but I couldn’t really do any serious work besides answering emails in short pitiful sentences. And of course this video game which is DUE SO SOON was on hold, basically, because I had nothing to make it with. God I even had to do an artist talk this past weekend ABOUT my video game without actually showing it except for the demo video because of this sad situation.

But enough about work. How am I?

The interesting thing about not having a laptop for a few days is that I started keeping a “sad handwritten book” also known as a diary, and it totally got me in touch with my emotions in a way that typing on here doesn’t. Like I totally started crying by the time I got to page four of this notebook. So that was interesting. I think I’m a lot more intellectual and detached when I type, even when I am typing about my own life or sad feelings I am having. And I felt a lot safer about talking of emotional things when it’s not on my laptop which could get hacked or lost or whatever. Even though this diary could also totally get lost.

The dogs are fine. I need to take them to the vet for their annual checkups, but that’s the only thing they need. They’ve got food and walkies and soft places to sleep. So they are happy.

My Mom is coming for a visit this month, so I have to keep the place clean. It will be a little stressy sharing a small space with her, but I think it will be okay, and I can always come to the living room and sleep on the couch.

Ahh hell I better go do some work. Anyway, that’s all for now.

This shitty post

So my laptop is at the Apple place getting a new logic board graphics card whatever. I am accepting the challenge of living without a laptop for the four days it will take to get it fixed. I don’t like it tho. I’ve been on my phone all day, and it’s getting boring. I like my phone but the screen is so small and mobile sites are not as functional as regular sites. I named this post this shitty post because I am writing it on my phone.

Life is okay otherwise. My financial situation is slightly improved, although I still need to bring some more money into this house. I’m set for October, but I need some cash in November and December, especially since I have surgery scheduled for the end of November. So it’s a bit stress.

Not to mention student loans took money straight out of my account last Friday, sending me into a panic. I had to borrow rent money from a friend.

So I called Student Loans today and their phone system is whack and hung up on me five times in a row before I conceded defeat and vowed to try again tomorrow.

I have a video game to finish. And my laptop is being fixed. I decided four days wasn’t bad, I can do some drawings and get them scanned when it comes home. But the final deadline is approaching and I gotta finish this thing. I’m usually good with deadlines, so I am pretty sure I can do it. But you know, it’s stress.

Anyway, there’s my shitty phone post.