Monthly Archives: April 2016

Boundaries, Even With Ghost Cinnamon Buns

I’d like to believe the universe has a plan for me. Like that I haven’t gotten a real job yet because I have to go to Saskatoon for who knows how long until . . . until until. It would be nice to come back to a job. I’m still gonna look while I am out there. Grandpa is seeing things and saying “Kiyas.” Kiyas is a Cree word and people say it when they haven’t seen someone in a long time. I hope we can have a little chat when I see him. Poor old man. After this trip I won’t be going back there until the fall when I have a show/screening thing in Prince Albert. I plan to make the most of it. As much as I love living in Toronto, there are still a lot of people I care for in Saskatoon and I know all the good restaurants there and I have access to a vehicle and my Mom and Sister and Grandpa are there.

In the future it will eventually just be my Mom and Sister I come back to visit, which is strange. And Sky has a profound intellectual disability which usually comes with a shorter lifespan. So I also have to make the most of my time with her. She’s 41 this year, which is unusual for a trisomy 13 person.

Mortality is weird. After being with my Grandma when she was getting ready to pass I believe in an afterlife just based on the things that happened during that time. Like her talking to all of her departed relatives and lights flying around the room. But it still sucks that after someone dies, for me anyway, the only time I see them again is in my dreams. I guess it’s good, like if I was just having a bath and Grandma walked in and sat on the bed just outside the door I would probably get freaked out, even if she was carrying like, ghost cinnamon buns. And a couple of friends who killed themselves, if I saw them, as much as I love them, it would probably wig me out. Especially if they looked the way they did when they died. Like maybe for me there are boundaries between the living and the dead for a reason and I should just be grateful I only hear voices and see things move around. Little Mister sees spirits, and I think Posey does too cause she barks at one spot in the cemetery where we go walking.

So yes, we think Grandpa may be getting ready to depart this mortal coil. BUT it’s really so unknown. He could also be just fighting an infection. He’s seeing things that we don’t see but besides saying “Kiyas” to the ceiling, he’s not being as vocal as Grandma was when she was having full on conversations with spirits. Also let’s be honest, spirits have been attracted to Grandpa whenever he has profound health issues. Once during his recovery for his quadruple bypass he said old men in the hospital room were trying to tell him to come with them. I don’t know what he told them, but he didn’t go. And also Grandma died in the room he is in now, so she could just be hanging around.

BUT he is 97. Maybe we should just round it right up to an even 100 so he can finally be satisfied he made his goal. 97 is a good age I guess. I say that about any age, but for being old and having a thriving family with three more generations of Cuthands and a long marriage that only ended because his spouse died, I mean I think he has done well for himself. I don’t think he would have many regrets.

I only say his marriage ended because Jesus said there would be no husbands and wives in Heaven. But maybe Jesus was wrong. Or that was some funny part of the Bible no one believes. There are lots of parts of the Bible believers don’t believe. Like the part about not mixing two kinds of clothes. Or not eating shellfish. I think there was an amendment to that part of the Bible later on or something.

Ha ha I haven’t read the Bible since 2003 so I don’t really remember it well.

Grandpa bought me my first video camera. It was a Sony Hi8 Handycam. I made lots of short experimental videos with it. “Untouchable” was shot on it. He was always very encouraging for his children and grandchildren to go into the arts. I always credited him in my videos, even tho a lot of them I didn’t show him because they were just too whatever. Explicit or things. Not Grandpa safe. He didn’t see many of my videos. But he was encouraging.

So I have a ticket tomorrow to go home and see him. And I hope he recognizes me, because I know he misses me a lot since I moved away. And I miss him.

And I hope I get to see my cousin Deanna when I am out there, cause I miss her too even tho we talk on facebook and the phone all the time. Maybe especially because of that.

My newish video also working on learning and cleaning

The little birds are having a big fight outside. Like a turf war or something.

I went to my video game thing last night, it was very interesting! We worked out a smaller version of my game that is still interesting and I figured out what the goal is in it so that’s good. Now it’s a collecting game. Still about bipolar disorder! Anyways, I am going to be learned this program called Unity to make it. So that’s cool! I downloaded it already, I’m not sure if I downloaded right cause it had all these options for different options. Anyways, we’ll see!


I finally figured out how to start a project in Unity. I had to start an account and press the alt key when I opened it and anyway, I have it working now. BUT THEN I decided to watch a video about programming before I do the tutorial to learn 2D design. Soooo I watched about half the video then got interested in other things going on in internet land.

I have un-password protected my video 2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99, because I didn’t get into some festivals that demand videos be password protected so I was like “Fuckit!” and anyway, as of this writing I have had 253 plays in like, 7 hours or whatever. You can find the link on my videos page here! Also I may as well embed it in this post. Here ya go!

2 Spirit Introductory Special $19.99 from Thirza Cuthand on Vimeo.

Also I found out I got into a festival! Details to follow.

I have a dirty apartment. OMG it’s so dirty. I need to pick up in here. It’s driving me mad!

Anyway I am gonna go clean!

Video Games! Academic Shizzle!

So I don’t know if I mentioned this, I didn’t find out until last weekend, but I got into Indigicade which is a video game making program being put on by Dames Making Games and Indigenous Routes Collective. It started Thursday night, but I was talking in another class so I wasn’t able to go. BUT I did go this afternoon and finally met everyone and was introduced to some games and programs. And then I sat down with Kate, a mentor, and talked about my idea and we planned out the plot line and things that could happen. And it’s pretty exciting! I’m going to be making a game about living with bipolar disorder, first there’s a depression you have to get out of, then your antidepressants push you into mania, then you go to the hospital, then there’s a group home level, then you get your own apartment and free will again and go to the park and have a hot dog! I think it could be super interesting! And I want the character to look like a little sketchy cartoon from a zine. So next Thursday we make paper prototypes. SUPER FUN!

They recommended I learn Construct 2, but it doesn’t seem to be available on Mac platforms. Construct 3 WILL be available for Mac platforms, but the site is really vague about when it will be released. So I might have to borrow a computer.

ALSO I got asked to put something together for this academic job I applied for. So I am working on that, it’s exciting and we’ll see what happens. It would be nice to get a teaching gig so I can start my illustrious sessional career. Like everyone else in my family. My mom’s been a sessional for a really long time. We were raised on sessional wages!

Aside from those productive things, I’ve been living on welfare trying to hustle up some work. It’s only been the second month on it and already I am super tired of it. It’s not much money, I’d rather be working, and if I make extra cash my welfare goes down. In June I’ll be able to make 200 on top of it. But not yet. BUT I did get GST and transportation money this month, which was a bonus and I won’t be penalized for it. And I LOVE having a metropass again. It makes everything easier.

Statscan hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I found out from another place that a position I applied for was filled. BUT I mostly don’t hear the outcome of sending out all these resumes and cover letters. Like if you are not picked for something, they just won’t contact you. So I don’t know if there is still a chance on some of them or if I should forget it. AND to make hunting for a job even worse, someone told me it is an average of three months for some places to get back to you. Which seems ludicrous to me.

My Adobe After Effects workshop was AWESOME! I’m gonna try and find a way to practice and then go to the advanced workshop. Learn how to blow up a car through After Effects. Will I ever need to? Well you never know!

So I am kind of working, working on learning new skills anyway, and also working on trying to get paid work. It’s making me feel better than when I first got on welfare and felt like a bum. I hate feeling like a bum. LOL. My mom used to call me that when she was irritated, but she means it like, an actual butt, not a homeless person. Maybe subconsciously I still think of that meaning when I use it.

Aside from all that, just crushing out and drinking the Clearly Canadian I ordered from an Indiegogo campaign. It arrived this morning! FINALLY! And just as delicious as it ever was!

And crushing out has been greatly entertaining me and my friends.

Baking Buns, Conference, Learning!

Today I caught up on Easter baking and baked up about 15 hot cross buns! 😀 I ate three of them today. At this rate I have four days of buns left!

It was my first time cooking with yeast, so that was exciting. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, but there were A LOT of steps involved. So I just followed the recipe to the letter, except I had to add three cups of flour. But it turned out awesome!

Yesterday I went to the Trans Temporality conference at UofT with my friend Riki and met up with Marty and Mikiki while I was there. I didn’t go until the afternoon, but we sat in on three panels and a couple papers were super interesting. It gave me a lot to think about, and kind of stretched out that academic putty part of my brain, so that was good.

Tomorrow I’m learning all day! 😀 I’m going to a workshop about Adobe After Effects! It’s a program I need to learn so that I can get editing gigs, so I saw an introductory workshop coming up at Charles Street Video and signed up for it! My membership there runs out at the end of April, so I asked my mom for a new membership for my birthday so I can do more workshops for cheap and continue renting equipment.

I was going to say I had a lazy day today, but I didn’t because I baked all day!

The only unfortunate thing is I really need to clean by Monday at 9am for inspections, and I haven’t done ANY cleaning, in fact I made more of a mess. But I think I can do it tomorrow.

I had better head to bed. I gotta get across town early tomorrow!