Oh no! Crash!

My Auntie was driving my mom’s car a week and a bit ago and it was really icy and long story short this truck slid right into Mom’s car and crunched it. Truck was fine. Car, not so much. Today Mom found out it is totalled. She’s worried she won’t have the cash to replace it after SGI cuts the cheque. And she is living in a city that is super car oriented, so it would be such a pain in the ass to not have one.

My nose feels sticky.

Posey has become hyper vigilant between the hours of 11pm and 1am. It’s super annoying. Gotta nip it in the bud.

I was holding her under the covers last night and her bum was in the crook of my arm and then I got a whiff of the most foul smell imaginable.  Oh pew it was gross! Dog farts!

I got a 3 dollar scratch and win and won 15 bucks! Pretty amazing! Especially since I had 30 dollars until next week’s payday!  45! 🙂

I have really bad sleep hygiene right now, I have been sleeping until 2pm. It’s so bad! 🙁 There are things I could be doing in the mornings and early afternoons. My Mom and Cousin suggested a SAD lamp. I thought I couldn’t use one because you have to use them early in the day, but now I am thinking maybe it doesn’t matter because I live in a basement and any time of day it would be good.

I’m so hesitant to do ANYTHING that will affect my mental health though.  Which is funny because I am in school and doing full time grad coursework.  Which adds a lot of stress to life.  But I am talking not wanting to up my antidepressants, worrying about adding a SAD lamp in case it makes me manic (which is not unheard of!). Basically I have this weird idea I can deal with a mild depression better than an out of control mania. But right now I do not have a psychiatrist. I am getting one April 1st. But I so hesitate doing anything about my mental health until then.  I can get counseling at school, but I don’t really have the time.

And it’s not THAT bad, is it? I can’t tell anymore. But fuck, I hate it when outside people try to have opinions on my mental health because I feel like they are pathologizing me and that sucks. Like fuck you!

(Insert pic of middle finger here)

I just wanna figure it out myself. And there is no magical thinking going on, which is when things get really dicey. And I don’t want to die. And I am not madly in love with anyone although I have a few crushes. I am not sending out lots of emails either. So there.

Ha ha, my last psychiatrist always asked me every session “Have you been sending lots of emails?” because the last time I ended up in the hospital I had hypergraphia like you would not believe and sent out hundreds of emails to annoyed friends. I barely use my email in a social way now.  I just send business emails. SO BORING! BUT also not crazy, so that is good.

I like using the word crazy to describe actually being mentally ill. I know some people hate it and think it is always pejorative, but crazy is such a perfect word for me.

Anyway. It is almost springtime. Hypomanias tend to happen in spring. That’s something to look forward to.

Sometimes people think I am crazy and honestly I am fine I am just being a little dozey or daydreamy or something. People who do not know about mental illness should not be diagnosing people.  I knew a cousin who got mad at her sister and was telling everyone she should be sent to the psychward and I had spent a lot of time around the cousin in question and honestly nothing was wrong with her at that time.  She was so lucid and even! Another time a friend told me I was manic and nothing was wrong with me then either! I was fine.

Blah blah blah. Anyway, I’ve been taking my meds and I did see my psychiatrist in December, which isn’t too long ago. I just need to wake up earlier. And get a cheap SAD lamp.

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