Monthly Archives: December 2014

Extended stay

I changed my flight home.  It was supposed to be the 27th and now it is the 31st.  I’m going to get in to Toronto at 10pm.  I will probably miss New Years.  But that is ok.

Christmas was weird.  My nephew was with us and was atrocious.  He had a cold and bitched and moaned about everything.  All his presents were boring and he wanted a million presents and he hated everything including us. I really reconfimed my desire to remain childless.

Also it was our first Christmas without Grandma.  So that was kind of sad.

My so called best friend and I had a fight over text a couple days before Christmas.  She was so cold and selfish and making everything about her and acting like her grief was more important than mine and I just wanted to see her.  Anyway, I got fed up with her shit and unfriended her on facebook.  She was never a good friend anyway.  All she did when we hung out together was tell me about all these men from POF she’s been having sex with.  She’s such a fucker. SO SELFISH! And no compassion.

I am getting excited about school again.  I’ve solved my script problem of needing a more impressive ending. And I’m kind of glad I am working on something more commercial, because even though I’m some kind of video artist, I ALSO want to get into the Industry. I’m glad I didn’t go to another art school for my masters.

Mom and I went to see Into The Woods on Christmas Day.  Turns out the movies are packed on Christmas!  I was entertained. Boxing Day my Auntie Lori and I went to see The Imitation Game.  That was also good, almost made me cry!


While they were trying to crack the Enigma code, they realized they needed to figure out a few constant words being used in the messages.  As it happened, the weather report always ended with “Heil Hitler” so they just had to put that in and Turing’s machine would crack the code everyday! It’s kind of funny to think that Nazi’s saying that phrase would cost them the war.


It’s funny, I really like being a filmmaker. My Grad advisor tells me to go watch movies for inspiration, even bad ones. Which is fun. I’m totally fascinated by films.

My ex-friend used to try and get me to complain about being single with her.  But actually, I don’t really care anymore. I mean love is fun and all, but god, it’s fine being on my own.  I still have orgasms and stuff.  And anyway, I’ve always been more interested in my career.  It’s way more fun and doesn’t let me down. I’m happier just hanging out at home writing, snuggling the dogs, watching shows on Netflix. With the occasional trip to a film festival. Or opening. Or whatever. Being single doesn’t feel like falling into a void or anything.  I don’t feel like I am Less-Than or anything.

I’m excited about the future. I’m not sure what is gonna happen, but I think good things might happen. There is still moving into the co-op, whenever an apartment comes available. And my next contracts/jobs. I’m taking Audio Post Production and Sound Design next semester, so maybe I could get a job doing that. We will see!

It would be nice to sell a script for a million dollars or something too.

Anyway, tomorrow we are going to the casino and then Night at the Museum!  So I should head to bed!



Dye Tags

So the deadline day for the TA job I got an interview!  It went well I think.  I HOPE!  That was Monday.  I find out tomorrow!  Wish me luck!

Today I bought a shirt at The Bay and then took Mom out for dinner, and THEN realized when we got home that the dude at the counter left the dye tag on it!  WHAT THE HELL!??  Who leaves a dye tag on a shirt?  Now I have to take it back and get it removed, and hope I don’t get guff from someone thinking I am trying to steal!

I got my Idle No More paper back from this class I was worried about, A-! 😀  Which, if my calculations are correct, means I have managed to pass my coursework!  I don’t know what my marks are for my Media Writing class though.  I think they get posted in January.  Which really isn’t that far off, but it doesn’t satisfy my immediate curiousity!

I am finishing up my project proposal.

***********The Next Day*****************

I didn’t get a call about the job yet!  :O I don’t know if that is good or bad!  Is he still mulling it over?  No emails either.  I sent him an email tonight, but it was in regards to my Major Project Proposal.  I’ve written the first draft and I wanted some input.  Also I have to update my beatsheet with all that info too!  Did I mention he is also my grad advisor? Maybe it’s awkward.

Anyway, I DID get the dye tag taken off my shirt at the Bay, and bought a carry on for cheap.  I need one to hold stuff that won’t fit in my luggage.

It’s so late!  It’s 2:30am!

I’m getting sick.  I can tell!  This will be my second cold in three months.  That’s far too frequent for my liking!  At least it isn’t the flu, I got the flu shot a while ago.

I should sleep!  SLeep sleep sleep!  Maybe I will get an answer tomorrow about the job!

Feeling Good, The Future Is Bright

I’m feeling pretty good today.  I had to put off my telephone meeting with my Grad Advisor until this past Wednesday, a couple days after Grandma’s funeral.  I had some anxiety around it.  I’ve been having a little bit of Imposter’s Syndrome in regards to school, which is basically when you think the dummy police are going to burst in at any second and declare you totally incompetent at Grad School.  But I didn’t have to worry so much, my Grad Advisor liked my project and gave some really good suggestions for how to take it further.  It was really good to hear.  And he said I might be eligible for an award, so that’s something to hope for.  I also got a grade from one of my last projects in one class and it was an A+ so I hope that keeps my average up.  There is one class I was struggling in but it’s actually in two parts and in this one part I am doing really well.  So we’ll see.

I’m getting more and more excited about my Major Project because the story is getting more exciting and convoluted in a good way.  And I think it might be a thesis project people would actually want to make and go see.  So THAT’S good. The theme is really pertinent to current realities in Canada for Indigenous people.

Mom was gonna come back to Toronto with me after Christmas, but I think that plan is changing and now she is gonna come during reading week.  We might go to New York for a few days too. Either way, it should be nice.

I applied to a TA position, I whipped up a new CV and a decent cover letter and the best paper I wrote for school this semester as a writing sample.  So I hope I get one of the positions. It would really help my anxieties around cash to have a job to ease me through the second semester.  And I don’t think there are TA positions during the summer semester, although really I have no idea.

I felt really excited about the future today.  Also it helped that we went to the Casino and I won $400.  I got 26 free spins on Smoke Signals!  I didn’t even know you could get free spins on Smoke Signals!

I think I’m gonna have to get rich on my talents though.  Smoke Signals, 649, and Lotto MAX are not gonna come through with my retirement fund!  The odds are totally not in my favour!  And maybe my film career is also not in my favour, based on discrimination against all my marginalized identities.  BUT you never know.  You just never know!

Goodbye Grandma


December 5th at 1:25am my Grandma breathed her last breath.  My Uncle Doug and Auntie Pauline were by her side, and my cousin Lorne and his family came over and walked the body out to the hearse.  We got the news right away, had a cry and went back to sleep as well as we could.  I was exhausted from spending the previous night awake with her, so I slept pretty well.

There were a lot of things we had to do and still have to do.  But because we were expecting it, a lot of planning was done beforehand.  We viewed her body in the funeral centre the same day. She looked beautiful. She didn’t have make up and she wasn’t embalmed, and she was in a pine box with a cotton shroud like she had wanted.  She was wearing her glasses and her engagement and wedding rings that she had always worn.  She was in her favorite red sweater.  They had really good lighting, so she looked like she was still a bit pink.  The family gathered and cried and told stories about her life. Grandpa was out of the hospital so he finally got to see her, and I was glad he was able to get out in time for the viewing.

Tomorrow is the wake, then the memorial on Monday at 2pm. I’ve been having highs and lows and grumpy periods and sad periods.  I feel good that she died a natural death and went to a good place and was surrounded by loved ones.  And she had a good life.  And a good husband.

I am gonna miss her a lot.  But being with her near the end and feeling the pure love we had between us as Grandma and Granddaughter, it felt really good.

I thought I didn’t have a copy of my Homelands video on this computer, but it turns out I do.  So I fixed the sound and am compressing it and tomorrow I am going to make a DVD for people to watch at the wake if they want to.  Not many people in my family actually saw it.  And it’s nice to hear and see Grandma again.

I should get to bed.  I was gonna make lemon meringue pies for the wake, but I think that was too ambitious.  And today was Kristjan’s fifth birthday, so we had a little party for him, and were busy a lot of the day.

And anyway, why not take a break?  I have been doing so much these days.  And I need a little contemplative time to think about life and Grandma and stuff.  And dammit, that’s ok!

Last Night

Last night I spent awake beside Grandma, listening to all the things she had to say and moving her leg when it was going to fall out of bed and shuffing her blankets around and moistening her lips.  She didn’t pass in my presence, at this writing she is still alive.  She was getting ready to go though.  Her breathing would stop and start, she would moan and sometimes convulse and she started saying numbers.  And then names.  She said the name of Christopher, my cousin who died in 2006.  She said the name of Prince, her dog who she and Grandpa had for sixteen years.  She said Mom and she said Betty, who is her departed sister.  I was there all night and then came home and got kisses from my dogs and ate bacon eggs and toast and showered.  Changed my clothes.

My Uncle and Auntie are there now with her and Auntie said she just said Beautiful in Cree.

The light was dim last night because my Mom and other Auntie were snoozing in the two rooms.  And sometimes my Auntie would come in and use the bathroom and close the door, making the room almost black.  And then you could see flashes of light moving around the room.  It was so moving, all of it, and this feeling that there really is an afterlife and our people come back for us to bring us to the other side.

Grandpa is getting an operation right now so he couldn’t be there.  Grandma is really worried about him.  She told us over and over “Visit him a lot.”

I think she is trying to hang on so she can talk to him or see him.  I don’t know if that will happen.

But I do know that she is going to a beautiful place with her relatives and dog who have passed on.  And that is enough for me to feel ok letting her go.  She was the best Grandma I could have ever had.  All I kept thinking was how much I loved her, for all the things she has done for me and others and just for the amazing woman she is.  And I know the staff at her care home are being really good to her.  If she doesn’t see Grandpa in person I know she will see him in spirit.

And I will visit him.  As much as I can. A lot.