Slow motion heart break

I don’t know how I am going to write this post.  It’s kind of a complicated story with someone who will remain anonymous (although I’m pretty sure all my friends can make a good guess as to who it involves).

So a number of years ago I had a drunken one night stand with someone in Germany.  Then the next year I went back and had another one night stand.  Then I sent a flirty email when I got back and she told me she didn’t feel anything for me.  Then time passed and we were chatting a lot on facebook, about a bunch of stuff we had in common and what was going on in our lives.  Anyway, I got feelings again, and for a few months I was trying to figure out how to tell her.  And then we were back in the same place and I kissed her hello and that was ok, but it was like, a dry kiss, no tongue.  ANYWAY, then we had drinks and I told her how I felt and it was super awkward, and I asked if I could kiss her and she was like, no.  And I felt really crushed, because that’s how rejection makes me feel.  Anyway, we had an awkward rest of our visit and then when we said goodbye I kissed her again but it was like a dry kiss like when we kissed hello.  AND THAT WAS WRONG!  I was so clueless and I don’t know why, I didn’t really associate it with like, a kissy kiss.  Anyway, when I got back to Canada she sent me this email about how upset she was with me and how uncomfortable I made her feel and UHHHHHHH!  She said we shouldn’t talk for a while and that she would talk to me when she was ready.

That was in 2012.

We were friends on facebook until tonight.  But she put me on restricted profile and I couldn’t see anything of her page unless she made it public, which she never did.  And she did that right after the email to me.  A few months later I sent her a super apologetic email explaining that I understood why she was upset and stuff.  And I left it at that.

Anyway, it seems like she’s never going to take me off restricted profile.  So tonight I unfriended her.  I give up.  She’s never going to forgive me.  And I feel really guilty but there isn’t anything I can do about it now.  And I have to move on with my life and pay attention to the friends I have now who love me.  AND my life is changing and I just think I have to let go of the past.    And cut my losses.  I fucked up an important friendship.  And it sucks.  And I still hurt about it quietly.  But like, what can I do????  NOTHING!  She doesn’t want to talk to me, I can’t send her another email, I don’t even know why she didn’t unfriend me first.

And it kind of pisses me off.  Why didn’t she unfriend me?  We had no contact, I could never see any of her statuses, and I was so afraid to make it a mutual restricted profiles thing in case she unfriended me.

But you know what the funny thing is?  I can see exactly the same stuff on her profile as being not her friend as I could when I was her friend and restricted.  It made absolutely no difference.

It’s sad seeing friendships disappear.  I really did like her as a friend.  I’m not one of those assholes who feels like platonic friendship is a losers prize.  It would have meant just as much if we could still have chats about life on different continents.

I also hate feeling like such an asshole.  I don’t like making people uncomfortable.  It’s weird, telling people about my feelings is such a stressful thing, and there’s always this fear that it will wreck a good friendship.  And for the most part in my life I have had positive experiences with confessing feelings, even when the other woman doesn’t feel the same.  But this time, ugh.  I just feel like a rapist.  It’s gross.  I feel like any minute someone’s gonna write a post calling me out.  And I don’t know, what’s that gonna do?  And I kind of want someone to tell me I’m not a creep.  And I kind of want things with her to go back to being friendly friends.  And I don’t really know how to make this a story with a happy ending.  It doesn’t have a happy ending.  I unfriended someone I really wanted to be friends with.  Because it didn’t make a difference anymore, we weren’t friends anymore anyway.

And that makes me sad.  Aw fuck, I hate crying but I know I am supposed to do it because I swallow back my tears so often.  So fucking often.  It’s hard having feelings.  And hearts that break in slow motion.

But I do feel really fucking guilty about making such a massive error with concerns about consent.  Fuck, do I ever feel bad about that.  And I wasn’t even drunk, I was sober.  I should have known better than to closed mouth kiss someone who already said they didn’t want to kiss.  I don’t know what I was thinking.  I want to take accountability for it, which is maybe what this post is about.  But also I don’t know what to do with that.  I already sent her the super apologetic email.  I guess this is just me explaining it in a more public place.  Fuck.  I can’t do anything more than this.  It depresses me so much.

I wish that instead of being absolved of your sins you could be absolved of being creepy.  I hate being a creep.  Ugh.

Anyway, I think that’s about all I want to write about this.  It’s getting late, and I’ve got to drive Little Mister to the groomer’s tomorrow morning bright and early.

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