Monthly Archives: November 2013


I got my leisurecard but I haven’t used it yet.  Mom qualifies for a free leisurecard too so she is applying for one and then we are gonna work out together!

I had a dream about rattlesnakes last night, and handling rattlesnakes, and that there were all these snakes in the backyard and most were good but some had rattles.  Also that my friend Laurel and I went to Berlin and she was driving and we nearly drove into this weird flooded area that had brown water and all these people stuck in it and I got her to turn the wheel to head down a different street. 

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.  It will be basic, I might get blood tests to check for various things. 

I for some reason thought tomorrow was friday, but it isn’t.  I mean, I guess it is because I’m writing this after midnight so technically it is already Thursday.

Boring.  I really have nothing of note to report.  No new crushes, nothing.  No money.  I get paid tomorrow from SAID, which is good.  We’re gonna go to the Casino with my twenty bucks and ten free slot play bucks.  Try and win something.  Watch entertaining animated animals bounce around anyway.

I’m coming up to my first year anniversary of quitting smoking.  I’ve never gone this long, so it’s pretty special.  I’m trying to hang on to my smobriety, which is hard because when I smell it it still smells good.  I’ll be okay, I keep reading motivational stories, it helps.

I’m thinking of going to concurrent disorders this friday for a check in.  I think I will just go to the education part.  Who knows. 

God I am tired of being single.  BUT that doesn’t mean I’m desperate or that I am gonna pick just anybody to be my Next Girlfriend.  Because I still want to fall in love and I don’t want to fall into some bullshit where I’m annoyed half the time and all my friends hate her!  And I think I am gonna quit having sex right off the bat, because I am one of those people who gets all emotionally attached when sex happens and it blinds me to faults the woman has that are going to keep us from actually having a good relationship.  Or to the fact that maybe the sex really is just gonna be casual and that they don’t really like me that much.  Because that sucks too! 

In fact, I think I am just gonna swear off having a girlfriend until I move away from this suckass town!  Cause otherwise that bullshit’s gonna happen where I decide to stay for her and then she dumps my ass anyway and then I missed my chance to leave. 


Little Mister and I are fine with just each other. 

Bus Rides to Nowhere

Over the last few years I’ve become a recreational bus rider.  As in one of those people who gets on the bus and doesn’t get off until it comes back to the stop where I got on originally.  There are a few of us and we can all recognize each other.  Some talk to the bus driver the whole time.  Some don’t.  I am not a chatty rider.  I like listening to my tunes and looking out the window.  It’s better to do it in the day when things are well lit by the sun.  I think about things and sometimes I look at facebook on my phone.  More rarely I will look at my tumblr, but I often don’t because my dashboard has sprinklings of explicit pornography on it.

I make playlists on my phone for songs I listen to while riding the bus.  Usually they are based on whatever I have been thinking about a lot at the time.  Like if I am thinking of making romantic gestures towards someone, I will fill my playlist with love songs.  But I’m a pessimist so I also throw on depressing rejected by love songs on it just in case I have to be depressed on the way home from doing something.

I can ride the bus for an hour.  Then I usually have to go to the bathroom, so I rarely go on bus loops that take more than an hour.  It’s getting boring though, the route usually stays the same, except for minor deviations when like, a water main is being fixed and we have to go around the block. 

I used to worry that the bus driver would be all “Why are you staying on this bus???”  But none of them ever have. 

I made a Sigil today, I’m not sure I did it right, but it shouldn’t hurt.  I had a really hard time deciding what I was going to do it on, becoming wealthy or getting love.  I ended up going for the whole Lurve thing.  Since I can always do a Sigil for wealth later.  The directions I read were to burn it after charging it and forget about it.  I’ve read elsewhere that you should keep it around until it works.  I burnt it, I guess we’ll discover if that is the right thing to do or not soonish.  Tomorrow night I am going out to the gay bar to try and meet women, not sure if that is a good place, but it’s better than staying home.

It could take a while.  They say they always work.  I guess we will see.

I am seeing my optometrist next week and getting new glasses.  Apparently I haven’t seen him in four years, which is a long damn time!  I am also seeing my GP, to get blood tests and ask about those dizzy spells which ended anyway, AND to get a referral to a gynecologist to talk to them about getting an ablation.  I am really tired of bleeding so much.  And I want to avoid having a hysterectomy.  I should do some research.  I don’t want birth control though because it makes me not horny, and I hate that.

The new med I am on can reduce horniness.  It’s so funny that I have ended up monitoring my libido.  Like, if it goes up or down.  Life sort of loses it’s spark when it is down.  I like having erotic daydreams skipping through my mind at some point in the day.  And just having the general drive to get it on with somebody.

My crushes aren’t doing anything at the moment, so I need a new crush.  I hate this town!  I feel like I’d already have a crush if I had moved to Toronto in September.  There just really aren’t a lot of people here that I click with.

I am going back to the gym.  I need to get my leisure pass, I tried to get the green form from the bus people when I renewed my cheapo subsidized bus pass, but they just printed out this bullshit receipt that didn’t even say Saskatoon Transit on it!  I am going back tomorrow to shake my old man fist and demand my green form, because the leisure centres won’t give me my pass unless I have it.  And I need it, because I’m getting puffed out when I move around too much and it’s not good.  I don’t care if I stay fat, because I like my curves, but I’d prefer some stamina for future fucking. 

Little Mister is doing good.  He trapped a mouse in the vacuum cleaner hose and Mom turned it on to prove there was no mouse and sucked it up and then we ran it out to a farm just by the city and let it go.  It seemed fine.  Mom was glad we didn’t have to kill the mouse.  She had named him Stuart.

I should go to bed!  I have things to do tomorrow and I’ve been up all night cruising down my tumblr dash.  Little Mister is already snoozing!  I love him!

Hire Me

I’ve decided I MUST LEAVE SASKATOON if I ever hope to get laid by a girl again.  So I am going to save up $5000 and move the hell away from here!  Which means I need a job.

The problem is Saskatoon is a fucking racist city and I have a really obviously First Nations last name.  So I have been applying for jobs for a while and I only got one interview back in 2012.  And I didn’t get the job.  It’s pretty frustrating.  I applied for another job with my old employer, in a different department, after 4 years of not working for them, I’m a little dubious I will get called in, BUT I am also super qualified for it. 

Anyway, besides that my options are getting major grants and getting into grad school and stuff. 

In other news.  In other news Little Mister has proven that there is a mouse in the house, tonight he sat in front of the fireplace where he was SURE it was, just looking.  Looking and looking.  Staking it out.  He’s a little obsessed.  They must taste SUPER good!

I’m trying a new med, Nortriptyline.  So far it made me sleepy, but not as sleepy as Amyltriptyline.  Which was making me sleep in until 2pm.  But the good news is my panic attack thingy has died down, so it is working for what it is supposed to do!  Meds meds meds!  Which are good?  Which are bad?

I’ve decided when I move to Toronto I’m gonna try and get jobs as a closed captioner and the voice behind Descriptive Video for the Blind!  Accessibility jobs! 😀  Making the world a more understandable place for all sorts of people!  Plus I just think I would be good at those things.

I am gonna miss my Mom a lot when I leave though.  And my Grandparents.  I wish I could bring them with me.  I will have to get Grandpa a skype account.

What else?  Ahhhh, not really anything.  If you know of any non-racist jobs in Saskatoon let me know!

Too damned sleepy

Tomorrow is my next psychiatrist appointment, it will have been six weeks since my last one when I was prescribed Elavil.

The good news is that I haven’t had panic attacks while I have been on it.  The BAD news is that it makes me SO sleepy that I can’t get out of bed before 2pm.  Seriously cramping my style!  I was always a late sleeper, but this is pretty ridiculous.  So I think I am going to go in and ask for a different medication.  It’s really hard because we need something for anxiety WITHOUT killing my sex drive, and all the SSRI’s end up killing my sex drive, at least all the ones I have tried.


I hope my genius psychiatrist has some idea of something else we can try.  I’m already on the lowest dose of Elavil possible.

On Thursday I am going to Ottawa for a screening of some of my videos in a Video Art biennial.  I’m pretty excited.  I might get to see my friend Shavonne, which would be nice.  I’m only there until Saturday.  Then I come back here.

I also might be going out to Ontario again in February.  Fingers crossed! 🙂

I’ve got to save up some money for Little Mister’s teeth cleaning.  My friend Amy Jo told me about a vet in the country who does work a lot cheaper than my vet is quoting for his teeth thing.  Sooooo I might call this guy up and ask about it. 

I’m getting ready to apply for grad school AGAIN.  I wonder when I will give up.  I’m applying to Ryerson this time.  For an MA in Media Production.  It’s a year long program.

We will see!

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on in my life.  I have some emails I have to send.  I went to bed last night at 8:47pm and woke today at 2pm.  That’s messed up!  UGH!

I Won The Lottery! :D

My Mom took me to the store to get my bus pass, and I went to check the lotto max ticket we bought.  I didn’t have high hopes, I was like “Oh whatever, we’re gonna win nothing like usual!”  But no!  When the ticket checker bleeped it said “$130.70 winner”!!! Ooooooh!  I was amazed, so I signed the ticket and took it to the cash register and the guy validated it and gave me my money and then he said “It’s funny, someone else was in here today and they also won $130.70!”

So my Mom and I have agreed for a long time that we would split lottery winnings, so I am getting 65 bucks and she gets 65 bucks and it’s all very sweet!  What surprised me was how many numbers we had to get right to win 130 bucks.  Five out of seven numbers!  That’s a lot!

I am buying a new Diva Cup with my winnings.  And having some spending money.  Last month was a year with my Diva Cup and I am apparently supposed to get a new one once a year has ended.  It’s about time, mine is getting old looking.

Ooooh, I also ordered a new strap on harness that can handle my size, but I did that before I won anything.  It’s going to arrive on the 6th supposedly.  I doubt I will get a chance to use it anytime soon, BUT I am following the boy scouts motto of Be Prepared! 😀 

Be Prepared for Lesbian Penetration!

Last night I went out with my two friends Daniel and Aaron to the gay bar, Diva’s, for some silliness.  AND I think I got cruised by this cute woman with striking eyes, I didn’t know what to do so I just kept going.  BUT now I am wondering if that woman is the same woman I saw by the Library a couple months ago?  What if I just keep walking past my future girlfriend?  Maybe one of these days I will smarten up and learn the fine art of cruising AND getting numbers from sexy ladies!

On Friday my friend Kristen and I bleached and dyed bits of our hair pink.  She did sort of highlights for me, so it’s a little different than a solid chunk of pink.  I think I want it more magenta-ey though!  I am looking awfully cute!

I had this general expectation that when I hit my thirties I would start having lots of sex, but it hasn’t happened.  I think I had that expectation when I hit my twenties too.  And I sort of did have lots of sex but also if I was compared to other people my age I would have been woefully undersexed.  I actually only had a decent amount of sex for maybe three years and then I was celibate for a long time.

I hope my forties look better!  Maybe I will be more confident by then, able to go up to strange women without needing an introduction.  “Why hello!”  Ha ha ha ha!

I’m on this new med that is making me sleep in SUPER hardcore, and also makes me talk in my sleep in great mumbly noises.  Today I woke up at 2pm going “Mmmmnnn, mmmmmnnn, mmmmmmmnn!”  Jeepers!

I’m trying to come up with a plan to move to Toronto in the middle of 2014.  So far I have ascertained that I need $3000, ideally $5000, to cover moving and living for two months.  I’m not sure what I can do.  I applied for an SAB grant, but I haven’t gotten results until January, ALSO the money from it will mostly pay for my videos and only $6000 will go to me!  BUT if I can finagle it that would be enough to move.  I’m also going to apply for a Canada Council grant next spring, which I would find out about in August. 

Aside from that my next options are to get a job or crowdfunding.  I’m not entirely sure what to do.  I need a patron.  I need to win more lottery money.  Or a prize for being a good deed doer!