Someday I’ll have my shit together

Final reports, so simple, yet the bane of my existence.  If you have ever gotten a grant from your federal or provincial funding agency, at some point you have to write a final report so you can apply for another grant.  A final report just goes over what you did with the money and how it impacted your career and what art you made (unless it was a travel grant in which case you say what screening you went to of which film and stuff).  I don’t have problems with most of it, the tricky part is the budget, when you say what you did with the money and how much you spent on what.  Because you have already submitted that when you applied for the grant, and now you have to say the same thing over again.

Anyway, I am looking for my budgeted expenses for Boi Oh Boi which was made with an SAB grant, and I cannot find it.  Not in my email, not in my computer, not in my USB stick Marvin (which I had to use disk utility to repair), and not on Mom’s computer.  This means one of two things.  One is that it is on my OLD computer with the broken finder which doesn’t bring up things by name like it’s supposed to.  OR I wrote it down into the paper copy of the grant and now it only exists at the SAB office.  Which is sadly the most likely option.  I have a really bad habit of doing that. 

So I guess I have to make up a budget that is approximate to what I applied for.  OMG!  I forgot to budget for living expenses!  THAT’s where my money went!  Jesus christ!  I can’t believe I forgot about it! If I had my budget I would see that right away!  Pfft!  Okay, I think I’m gonna be fine. 

I have to confess writing about struggles with final reports kind of bored me and in my distraction I ended up doing some minimal editing on Just Dandy, which I haven’t had time to sit down and really chop away at.  I have had time, but people keep wanting attention.  I need to be a more strict and mean artist and say “Go away I am working!”  Instead people ask me to give them rides or visit or stuff.  Sigh!  And then Mom will go to the grocery store and I will want to ride in the car.  Easily distracted.  I need to be more dedicated to honing my craft and my artworks.  Maybe I should get really crazy one night and drink two litres of coke and edit all night, like I used to do in film school.  Actually that’s a lie, the school closed at 3am.  And I couldn’t go back until 7am.  But believe me, I was there when it closed and I was there when it opened.  And slowly going crazy at the same time.  Hypomania multitasker.

I’m kind of sleepy now, I don’t think there’s going to be a crazy night of editing.

I had an interview today!  I think it went really well.  I have high hopes.  I will hear on Monday if I get the residency.  He said it doesn’t pay well because it’s a mentorship opportunity, but he said it pays enough to survive.  I hope I get more than I am making now!

What else?  Making a video.  Writing a report about the last video I made.  Also another report about going to Tribeca Film Festival.  Then when those are done and mailed off, I have to write possibly three grants, one of which will be a travel grant, for two funding bodies, about two projects and one presentation coming up.  It’s gonna be insane.  I’m gonna be so busy!  I need to get my shit together fast, Oct 1st is the deadline for the grants, the travel grant I have to do right away.  Ahhhhh!  Here’s me going “Ahhhhhh!” and waving back and forth with a swirly behind me sucking me into a vortex of art hell. 

I need money.  I hope I get money soon.  I need fall shoes and a haircut and Little Mister needs his quarterly shave.  And I owe Mom money from the car accident and Little Mister’s vet visit. 

Blah.  I have been dreaming about someone and it’s really goofy.  I’m trying to ignore it.  I had a dream I had to choose between a hysterectomy or death, so I chose death and the doctor gave me a pill I was supposed to take on a specific day so I would die, and I was preparing for it and getting my affairs in order and then I realized my ex would cry for me because we had a thwarted kind of love and now nothing would ever happen and so I changed my mind and got a hysterectomy instead.  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT??????  She doesn’t care, she wouldn’t cry if I died, and she was the one who thwarted our love in the first place so it doesn’t matter.  I think she is just this convienient stand in for anyone I’ve loved.  It is so ridiculous. 

About the hysterectomy, I am worried I will have to have one.  I have terrible fibroids and it causes massive bleeding and I didn’t like the birth control so my next option is an ablation but I’m concerned in the end I will need a hysterectomy anyway.  And I’ve heard rumours that orgasms aren’t as great when you have no uterus.  Which concerns me.  I am very pro orgasm you know!

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