Trying to grow as a person

My ear is healing well, it’s not as sore as I thought it would be this first week.  It’s got little crusties but that’s all.

I’ve had a good week.  I am looking for part time work.  I’m not applying for very fancy jobs, I just basically want something that will give me an extra four or five hundred a month.  So far I’ve applied to a movie theatre, SaskPower, and the Police Service.  No calls yet.  I’m either under or over qualified probably.

I did tarot and rune readings asking about my love life.  For the present I got ten of cups which is like, happy home and love and stuff, and I DON’T have that for my present situation.  So it’s kind of curious.  And then for the rune reading I got this one that was about life partners and a thing called The Fetch that is like this force that will bring my love into my life.  I’m not sure.  I still feel dubious.  I think if I lived somewhere else I might find someone, but in this dumb city I can’t imagine finding someone.

And yet the weird thing is I have a feeling I’m going to be with someone I have already met.  I don’t know who though. 
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This is one of those entries where I write then come back a few days later.

Anyway, I’ve been sending messages on dating websites.  I wasn’t getting replies from a couple ladies, but this one woman has replied to my message and we seem to have things in common AND she is super cute.  We might hang out this week!  🙂  It would be nice to go for a hang out.  I’m not sure if it is a date or just a friendly meet up, I guess I will find out.  But she is SUPER cute!  She reminds me of a couple ladies I have fond memories of.  So there’s that.  She’s also younger than me.  Old enough to be mature (I hope!), but still not 35 or even 30!

I still haven’t heard back from any potential employers.

I DID hear back from someone about a new place to live.  I’m really torn, I decided to stay here, but it is a super good deal.  Geez.  I think I’ll decline, but it sucks.  I was ready to leave when Steven was still gonna live here, but now he’s being evicted, and I know my Mom needs the money, so I feel like I should stay.  Still, it was pet friendly and LGBT friendly, two super crucial things!  Damn.  And my rent would have stayed the same, with utilities, netflix, and wifi included.

Ha ha, I just realized this whole entry so far is about potential girlfriends/friends, work, and homes! It’s kind of funny.

I’m tired.  I got some new music from iTunes but it’s not enough.  I think I need to buy a whole album instead of singles.

I’m still trying to think of how to improve my life.  Last year was all about getting sober, and this year I have to keep pushing forward.  I don’t want to get stuck in just thinking it’s enough to be sober.  But I’m also not really a twelve stepper.  I have to think of some other way to grow.

Getting all my piercings back, my lobes, industrial, and hood, was kind of a treat for me because I missed those for a long time.  I feel a little bit more myself now.  I am also wanting a tattoo, but that’s a ways off still.  And anyway, those are a little more superficial and not dealing with how I really want my life to change.

I think if I want to continue to grow I have to figure out what kind of a person I want to be, what kind of life I want to live, and make a list of steps to take to get there.   What do I want?  I want a girlfriend, I really want a wife, but I think I should start with a girlfriend.  I want my own place to live, maybe with roommates, or with my girlfriend, but somewhere I can have my dog.  I want a car.  I want a part time job, not a full time job and not a job that’s like 35 hours a week so it’s practically full time, UNLESS the full time job is something creative like writing scripts or making films or something in my line of arty stuff.  I think I would be able to do full time if it was something where my talents were actually being utilized and I was realizing my own personal visions.  I want to travel more.  I want to make enough money that I am comfortable.  I don’t care if I am rich, but if I had enough that I could do things I wanted like travel and buy a house or condo and own a car and pay for Little Mister’s geriatric dog needs, that would be good. 

So I guess I should continue making shorts and trying to get money to make more industry kind of things and doing whatever labs or workshops in directing or something.  I should keep trying to meet new women until the magical mutual spark thing happens.  I should eventually move out, when I have some more long term income coming in that will let me live on my own.  I should keep trying to get residencies abroad.

But is this what it means to grow as a person?  I guess my life trajectory is different than other women’s.  Like, I am never having children, so I won’t have to worry about certain things parents have to worry about.  And I don’t see myself working a day job forever.  I dunno.

I’m super tired, I should go sleep.

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