So I missed the bipolar group last night because I didn’t feel like going when it was time. I went with my friend Amy Jo to Michaels and then to Chilis for nachos and an apple tart and I was SO FULL I felt like I was gonna explode when we went to Walmart looking for a staple gun and balloons. And after all that I just hopped on the bus home.
Dora has gotten a bad habit of nipping toes and fingers, and grabbing pant legs with her little teeth and hanging on! We have to nip it in the bud! I don’t know how, I should do more research, I forgot how unruly puppies are! They have such bad boundaries! And I don’t know how to discipline her in a loving way. She has no clue what NO means! Arg! I gotta read, and fast!
She’s sleeping right now. She is the most innocent when she sleeps, I guess everyone is though.
My cousin told me she ran into an ex of mine the other day. It was kind of a funny conversation, I asked what she was wearing and my cuz said “Black.” And I was like “Well duh! I don’t know why I even asked!” But seriously, whatever, it’s none of my business. She recently told me she would NEVER love me.
Never is a very long time, especially since last time the L word came up between us she said she would ALWAYS love me. I guess feelings change. But still, it smarts! Oh lordy does it ever smart!
What a waste of time. I hate unrequited shit. It fucking sucks and I am always putting myself in that situation and feeling like a doorknob at the end of it. Not like a doorknob as in everybody has a turn, because actually I haven’t been with many people, more like a doorknob as in as dumb as a doorknob. And the thing is all my friends always see what is happening way before me and they throw out these warnings and I always disregard them because someone is super cute and how could they NOT love me? I am super loveable like peach pie! But some people hate peach pie. So it really doesn’t matter.
And also I have behaved badly in the past with romantic interests, and it makes me feel really guilty and it sours everything everytime and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! And sometimes I behave badly and I don’t even realize it until it is way too late. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
But then other times I am a super sweet girlfriend! I guess it’s complicated. I’ve been single for a super long time. Almost as long as I have lived in Saskatoon. There’s one ex I sometimes go snooping around for, she is more of an ex lover than an ex girlfriend, her name is Annie Wood and I can never find her because she has such a common name. And also she could be an Anne or Ann or Anna by now. And also she was going to go on a cruise ship as a masseuse and who knows where she is now. She lived in Saskatoon for a while, I wasn’t even living here when we were goofing around. I would visit my Mom and then we would have these dates. She was super sweet, in a lot of ways she reminded me of my first girlfriend Ivana who I was with for the longest of anyone and who broke my heart SUPER hard! Oh man, that was a brutal heartbreak, I was devastated for a whole year, about as long as we dated.
Anyway, I don’t know where Annie is.
When I was in high school one of the first lesbian books I read was called Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, and it was romantic and tragic all at once, like any queer teen lit. Anyway, I guess Annie has been on my mind for a while. But maybe that’s just that thing about wanting the familiar.
The last time I slept with someone for the first time I was super drunk also. I wonder if something like that could happen again now that I am sober? It seems dubious. I remember my memory was sketchy but all of a sudden I was making out with this total babe. And it’s kind of bothered me ever since wondering who made the first move? I don’t really care who did it, I just wonder, ya know?
Okay, enough with mammary lane.
I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, which makes me think I should go sleep. I have to stand in line and get my treaty money. I have to go to group. And then I may or may not have a shift at the Jazzfest being a cashier. We shall see!
I wonder if anyone thinks of me in a fond way? It seems dubious sometimes. Margaret likes to tell me all my exes loved me, but I don’t know if I believe it.