Mammary Lane

So I missed the bipolar group last night because I didn’t feel like going when it was time.  I went with my friend Amy Jo to Michaels and then to Chilis for nachos and an apple tart and I was SO FULL I felt like I was gonna explode when we went to Walmart looking for a staple gun and balloons.  And after all that I just hopped on the bus home. 

Dora has gotten a bad habit of nipping toes and fingers, and grabbing pant legs with her little teeth and hanging on!  We have to nip it in the bud!  I don’t know how, I should do more research, I forgot how unruly puppies are!  They have such bad boundaries!  And I don’t know how to discipline her in a loving way.  She has no clue what NO means!  Arg!  I gotta read, and fast!

She’s sleeping right now.  She is the most innocent when she sleeps, I guess everyone is though. 

My cousin told me she ran into an ex of mine the other day.  It was kind of a funny conversation, I asked what she was wearing and my cuz said “Black.”  And I was like “Well duh!  I don’t know why I even asked!”  But seriously, whatever, it’s none of my business.  She recently told me she would NEVER love me.

Never is a very long time, especially since last time the L word came up between us she said she would ALWAYS love me.  I guess feelings change.  But still, it smarts!  Oh lordy does it ever smart!

What a waste of time.  I hate unrequited shit.  It fucking sucks and I am always putting myself in that situation and feeling like a doorknob at the end of it.  Not like a doorknob as in everybody has a turn, because actually I haven’t been with many people, more like a doorknob as in as dumb as a doorknob.  And the thing is all my friends always see what is happening way before me and they throw out these warnings and I always disregard them because someone is super cute and how could they NOT love me?  I am super loveable like peach pie!  But some people hate peach pie.  So it really doesn’t matter.

And also I have behaved badly in the past with romantic interests, and it makes me feel really guilty and it sours everything everytime and AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  And sometimes I behave badly and I don’t even realize it until it is way too late.  Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

But then other times I am a super sweet girlfriend!  I guess it’s complicated.  I’ve been single for a super long time.  Almost as long as I have lived in Saskatoon.  There’s one ex I sometimes go snooping around for, she is more of an ex lover than an ex girlfriend, her name is Annie Wood and I can never find her because she has such a common name.  And also she could be an Anne or Ann or Anna by now.  And also she was going to go on a cruise ship as a masseuse and who knows where she is now.  She lived in Saskatoon for a while, I wasn’t even living here when we were goofing around.  I would visit my Mom and then we would have these dates.  She was super sweet, in a lot of ways she reminded me of my first girlfriend Ivana who I was with for the longest of anyone and who broke my heart SUPER hard!  Oh man, that was a brutal heartbreak, I was devastated for a whole year, about as long as we dated. 

Anyway, I don’t know where Annie is.

When I was in high school one of the first lesbian books I read was called Annie On My Mind by Nancy Garden, and it was romantic and tragic all at once, like any queer teen lit.  Anyway, I guess Annie has been on my mind for a while.  But maybe that’s just that thing about wanting the familiar.

The last time I slept with someone for the first time I was super drunk also.  I wonder if something like that could happen again now that I am sober?  It seems dubious.  I remember my memory was sketchy but all of a sudden I was making out with this total babe.  And it’s kind of bothered me ever since wondering who made the first move?  I don’t really care who did it, I just wonder, ya know?

Okay, enough with mammary lane.

I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow, which makes me think I should go sleep.  I have to stand in line and get my treaty money.  I have to go to group.  And then I may or may not have a shift at the Jazzfest being a cashier.  We shall see! 

I wonder if anyone thinks of me in a fond way?  It seems dubious sometimes.  Margaret likes to tell me all my exes loved me, but I don’t know if I believe it.

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